Is it even worth it anymore?
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| Sat, 03-31-2007 - 11:32pm |
Before I even write out my question, I know the answer for me. Yes, it's worth it. So much has happened, though, I'm just at the end of my rope. This is kind of long, but I'd really, really appreciate some insight.
I was with this guy for almost 2 years. The night we met, we liked each other, and he tried so hard to get me to go out with him. He gave me his number, so imagine my surprise the next morning when I was being woken up by a number I didn't recognize. He had talked my friend into giving my number to him, and couldn't even wait to call me. A week later, we were a couple. By Christmas, I had a diamond. We weren't engaged, it was a pre-engagement, a promise ring sort of, because we were both 18, too young, and it had only been since May, so 8 months. 2 years later, here I am.
We always used to argue over little things. We both always just said it was beause we were so much alike that we'd just fight over stupid things that we didn't agree on. We'd fight, then we'd make up. There was so much love, we couldn't not be together.
There were serious ups and serious downs. I went through this time for like, 4 months where I just would not have sex, would not kiss him. (Please don't judge- we were responsible and had each only been with 1 person before) He stayed with me, helped me work it out and get back to feeling like myself. We went through family issues, friend issues, deaths, school, everything.
The thing is... this boy has a temper. I've never, ever feared for my safety or anything, but the words he'd say cut deeper than anything I've ever experienced. Does it ever seem that the person you love the most can hurt you the most? He'd blow up, get mad, say things to purposely hurt me, and then call me an hour later with the, I love you baby, I just got mad, I'm sorry lines.
Back in about September, we broke up for a few weeks. I ended up a little drunk and kissed a friend I had met in college. Before my guy and I got back together, I didn't feel right having this thing over my head- so, I told him. I heard for 20 minutes about how I was a slut. After about a week or 2 of talking, we were back together.
Everything was okay at first, and then after about a month or 2, things started going downhill. He'd cancel on me, he'd forget to call me, he'd just basically blow me off. Or he'd say things like, he'd wih I could lose some weight. The weight thing had always been there, but all of a sudden, it was a significant issue. I didn't gain weight, I was still getting hit on by other guys, people still came up and told me I was pretty, so I kind of wondered if it wasn't a crutch for something else. Then, my birthday, I didn't even get a card for him, Thanksgiving he promised to at least stop by with my family and it didn't happen, same thing on Christmas, and New Years, we made plans to spend together, he lost track of time playing a video game. I called him at about 11:45 and blew up at him. I had had enough. We tried to make it work for another month or so, but the beginning of February, I broke it off.
We didn't talk for a month. I thought we were done, and I needed to move on, to prove that I was beautiful, if only to myself, and get over him. It's a really ridiculous reason, but I was with my girls, had too many shots, and had sex with another friend from school.
Then, my ex started being really sweet, calling, trying to tell me how he realized how mean he had been, how he had had time to think and knows I deserve better and that he was ready to be the type of man I needed. I'm thinking... Oh no. These were the things I needed to hear from him, but I couldn't just take his words at face value, not this time. We talked again through March,started hanging out. I knew what I had done, and I couldnt return his affection, I felt so ashamed. A couple of days ago, I told him the reason I had been so stand offish, that I had had sex.
And I was a whore again. And he told me he had cheated on me when we were together, 3 times, one of the times with a friend of one of my good friends. When he cooled down, he said he just said that to hurt me, that it wasn't true. (later I found out that him and that girl actually had talked...) And then it was okay, he just needed time to get over it. And then,he couldn't look at me without thinking "about some guys d**k in my vagina" (crude, I know- imagine hearing those words from the person you love) and then how much he loved me, and then how he was going to kill this guy.
The thing is, I didn't cheat on him. And he realizes this. I know he's hurt, and it's understandable. But what do I do now? What is going on?
I would do whatever he needed me to, I'll give him his space, I'll talk to him... but is the damage done? If you love somebody, do you love them completely, or can he judge me for one mistake I made while we weren't even talking?
Any insight would be so greatly appreciated. Sorry it's so long.
Thanks.
Bella

>>Does it ever seem that the person you love the most can hurt you the most? <<
Actually, no. It never seems like this. The person I love the most would never hurt me - because he respects me.
Good relationships aren't full of ups and downs, angst and heartbreak. Instead, when we have a relationship which is right for us, it makes us feel good about ourselves and generally confident with the relationship.
'the words he'd say cut deeper than anything I've ever experienced..... He'd cancel on me, he'd forget to call me, he'd just basically blow me off. Or he'd say things like, he'd wih I could lose some weight... And he told me he had cheated on me when we were together, 3 times,'
Run away from this guy. He is bad news. It doesn't mattr if you love him. You can't have a healthy relationship with him.
I forgot to mention...
>>If you love somebody, do you love them completely, or can he judge me for one mistake I made while we weren't even talking? <<
YOu didn't make a mistake. You were broken up and therefore you were not cheating. It doesn't matter if you had slept with the whole football team during the time you had broken up. The fact of the matter is that you were free to do as you pleased. Don't let him bully you into believing you did something wrong.
Find some inner strength and put him in his place.
bellablonde,
Your situation reminds me so much of my relationship with one of my exes. It took me 4 years to finally get the strength to end the relationship for good and to move on. You asked how do you find the strength to move on and I wish I had
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