is it ever ok to lie?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
is it ever ok to lie?
1
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:28pm
My boyfriend of 2 years and I have been living together for the past year. Since moving in together, we have really come together, sharing chores, dreaming of a home, talking about marriage. We are planning a cross country road trip in a few months and it is somewhat known that he is planning on proposing. Here's the issue. A few days ago my BF's cell phone wasn't working when he got up to go to work so I told him I'd call the company and find out if he missed a payment or what. Well b/c the customer service dept wasn't open yet I tried to check the status online using his acct information. In surfing the different options I came upon his call history for the past 6 months- HONEST, wasnt looking for it. Although I should have ignored it I looked anyway, and saw he has been in contact with is ex quite a bit. They own property together and he has told me from the beginning that he talks to her occasionally from that, but the calls seemed awfully frequent for just business. Becuase I have snooped, I didn't want to confront him directly, so I casually asked the other day where they were with the property (he was going to let her buy his portiion out to be done with it) and he said he rarely talked to her anymore and he was probably going to get out soon. I know for a fact that they have talked quite a bit, but I don't know how he could be carrying on w her as she has 5 kids and a live in boyfriend, and we spend alot of time together ourselves. I just want to know why he lied, and if there is ever a time when lying is done to spare someones feelings or feed into paranoia that I admittedly have from time to time. I know he is talking to her more than he lets on, but our relationship has alot of promise, and he goes out of his way to tell me all the time how great it is to be with someone who gets along so well with his friends and family (she did not). Would he be willing to throw this all away by having an extracirricular relationship with his ex? I know people are capable of it, but he seems happier than he has ever been (and am told this by his family often.) Help on how to proceed, can't stop thinking about the call history!
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:49pm

Trust is the very basis of all good relationships, the foundation upon which it stands, that is why you haven't been able to stop thinking about the calls. It is possible that he lied to save your feelings, but it is much more important to establish your relationship in truth. I recommend that you discuss this with him. Let him know what happened, and see what his reaction is. Yes, it was wrong to snoop, but you did go online for a specific purpose and this came to your attention. Don't bring it up in an accusatory fashion, but out of curiosity. Let him know that it is important to you to be able to trust completely. He should understand - if this is making you truly uneasy it is important to clear it up. If he gets very upset about it and continues to lie about it then that is something you should know about. We don't want to find out about hidden parts of our partners once we're married. It's better to get the whole story up front.


Best wishes.