Is it fixable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2005
Is it fixable?
6
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:45pm
Hi
My boyfriend of almost 4 years and I broke up a few days ago, but it's been so hard for me to begin to move on. We had been arguing quite often before we broke up, and he kept saying he was afraid that we weren't working out. We have been seeing each other and talking about everything every day, trying to find a solution. We both have ended up crying so many times, and he's not the kind of guy who cries easily. He just wants to hold me the whole time I'm with him, he seems so sad and lost. I keep saying, "lets work this out, because what we have is too good to lose" but he keeps insisting that we can't make it work. He says he is too afraid of what will happen if we get back together. He's afraid that we will go down the same path and end up breaking up again. Then he tells me that he loves me so much, and he wants to be with me so bad. My question is what do I do? Should I keep hoping that he will decide to try and work things out, or should I cut all ties with him? Everytime I see him I end up begging for him to just try and work things out with me...and that's not the kind of person I want to be. I had really planned my future with him as a part of it, and I know he had done the same. It seems impossible to get over him :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: emmer04
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 6:55am
Will he go to couples' counseling with you? If not, it's time to end contact. Getting together every day to cry and cuddle is preventing both of you from moving on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
In reply to: emmer04
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 7:44pm

Gosh, it doesn't even sound like you are READY to be over him!! I think its easier for two people to move on when they feel, from the bottom of their hearts, like they're making the right decision.

Are you going through this breakup because you feel like there's no other solution? It sounds like you two are still very, very in love....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2005
In reply to: emmer04
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 1:21am
yes we are very much in love still. He always tells me he loves me so much and theres nothing more in the world that he would want than for us to be together. But he feels like there is no solution, he says he's afraid of getting hurt again...we fight a lot and have broken up in the past. i am the kind of person who wants to take that chance and put everything i have into saving our relationship, while he just thinks we can't be saved. Any suggestions on how to convince him that we can fix our relationship? i have thought of couples counseling but were only 21 and i dont think he would be interested in doing that! Thanks so much in advance if you have any ideas! :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: emmer04
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 8:35am

Emmer, I'm confused. You post about a boyfriend who cries with you every day and is afraid to get hurt, yet in a post on another thread you say:

"my bf constantly puts drinking and partying before me, even though we've been together for 4 years. . . . when you try to talk to him about it, he just takes it as "nagging" There comes a point where you realize you're the only person putting in effort in the relationship, and for me, a ton of resentment built up."

It sounds like your boyfriend may love you, but he really wants to live a single life, while you deserve someone who will put you ahead of his partying and share with you the responsibility for making the relationship grow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2005
In reply to: emmer04
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 10:03am
we did talk about it, and he says he has been emotionally tuned out, wanting to spend time with his friends because he's afraid that if we spend time together we are going to fight...and he recognized the fact that he wasn't putting in any effort and that most of the reasons our relationship was on the rocks was because of these things. i guess it's just really confusing, and maybe i am being stupid? i dont know...he sees our relationship as worth fixing, but doesn't know how to do it, and is too scared that it will fail to put in the effort. i didn't mean to sound not genuine by not saying about his little partying habits, but once i tell people that i always get the same answer: "you're being stupid, leave him" and i guess i just wanted a different answer :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: emmer04
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 12:30pm

I understand not wanting to predispose us to say, "Good riddance! You're well out of this relationship!" But the fact remains that you can only fix a relationship if two people are willing to work on it. If he really wants to fix it, he will go with you to couples counseling, or he will overcome his fears and be open and vulnerable with you.

Since both of you are young, however, and have been together for a very long time, he may just want to do some of the things young guys want to do. He doesn't want to break up with you, because he's comfortable and safe with you, but he also feels the pull of these other activities. From that point of view, this isn't fixable, because he needs a chance to be young and free, and so do you.