Is it me?
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Is it me?
| Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:39pm |
Need advice on my marriage and future! I met my husband 8 years ago and we fell for eachother and had so much fun together, BUT we were young and both cheated. He never admitted to cheating but I faked knowing that he had and he confessed...anyway, after 2 years of on and off dating, I got pregnant by him and we got engaged. I really felt that we belonged together, not just because of the child. MY life changed from that moment. I could barely stand to even think of anyone else and was so faithful to him in deed and thought. He wasn't physically unfaithful, but called his ex, lied to me about it (for months) but I could tell he was lying again. I professed to know that he had done something and finally he did admit it. BUT it took months of me prying about it to finally get all the details, which changed every time I asked about it. He said he didn't want to tell the truth because of how upset I got about it. Anyway, it seems to have been a pattern. Over the years there have been little lies and cover ups. Mostly he says to protect himself from me because I would get overly angry,(we've thrown a few punches) or to protect me from something that wasn't a big deal anyway. Most of the little lies involve an ex. Now we have been married 5 years, have children together but I am still untrusting and can't let go of what he has done although I befriended this "ex" that he cheated with just to relieve my own hatred and anger....Anyway, just last week he saw another ex and came home to tell me about it thinking it was the best thing, but he tried to be so coy about it casually talking about her until I figured out it was an ex lover... I didn't flip out, I just retreated to my room to mull over my jealousy and feelings of hurt and betrayal. He followed me in to tell me I was a jerk for being upset... it was my problem, I was over jealous and controlling and that he didn't see anything wrong with having a conversation with an ex lover. He blames it on me again and says that it's all in MY head and my problem to deal with in life. Anyway, I know he's with me not any of them (which he always points out) but it just seems like past lies linger on and cause me not to trust him even though deep in my heart I know he's not going anywhere. Is there any relief in sight? I am so tired of feeling angry, resentful and depressed.

All the lame little lies. For example, H had (another) affair five yrs ago and it took three yrs for him to finally tell me about it. I knew about it but it took that long for HIM to tell me about it. And a million a one lies in between.
Two yrs after the affair he went back to work at the same place THEY had worked together, a mutual friend went to work with him, and I asked if he had seen her, etc. He said no. The friend told me about it b/c he thought his wife had already told me, that they had seen her and she hugged him and asked if he was moving back, etc. I asked H why haddnt he told me, b/c nothing happened. I already didnt trust him and that made it worse. To this day I wont trust him. Thats sad but thats how it is.
I got upset b/c he lied and he thinks Im making it more than what it was. He never sees that hes done anything wrong. Whenever I get upset b/c I remember almost daily what hes done, he says its all in my head and that I do this to myself.
Yeah its in my head b/c HE put it there to begin with. He thinks that I should just be happy that he chose to come back to me, and b/c he hasnt done it since. But the lies are still there. If I ever want to talk about it he says Oh not that crap again. So weve never really discussed what this has done to our marriage. So it has not gotten better. Its just gone on.
I hope your situation gets better! Good luck!
i think its not either of you - but you are stuck in a "pattern". he cheats, and lies. you get angry and agressive and jealous. either way - its not a healthy life - not for either of you, not for your kids.
if you don't want a husband who cheats and lies - then you need to get out of that relationship. period. spending the rest of your life being angry at him - isn't going to change him, and its going to keep you angry.