Is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Is it me?
11
Fri, 03-07-2014 - 7:16am

Hi everyone, 

Im having trouble in my relationship. We've been together for 3 years.

im disabled with the illness Rheumatoid Arthritis. Due to have operation at the end of this month a triple foot fusion.

my partner is my Carer.

I have 2 children, one is 7 and one is 1. 

My my family moved abroad last year, I'm feeling very lonely.

my partner goes out twice a day for a few hours each time.

ive explained to him that I'm tired, that I'm in pain and Im lonely

that I feel as if I'm doing everything by myself, like I'm a single mother

if I say to him, I'm lonely, we don't spend time together anymore, he just turns it all back on me, that it's my fault basically, he's saying, he's making the most of going out before I have my op as he won't be able to go out after that, cause he'll be caring for me, so I explained that I understand that, but at the same time, I'm still ill, even before my operation.

every morning, I get up with the children, whilst he has an extra 30 minute in bed.

ive explained many, many times, that I'm in more pain in the mornings and it's hard for me to have the baby first thing and I'd appreciate if he got up with us to help me. everything's still the same.

im in debt so I was worrying this morning over a letter that I had received, he knew this, but his friend rang and he arranged to go out with him, so we had a tiff and that's when he turned it on me, saying "I don't know how you'll act when I get a job then" I said that's different as then he'll be doing something productive, but as soon as the baby is in bed for her morning nap, you're off, when you could be spending time with me.


i feel as if I don't get any me time too, where I explained that he gets his time when he goes out, that's his break and I don't get anything, I don't get to shower by myself, as he's out, I take my baby in with me (it's safe as it's a disabled shower with a chair etc).

he goes upstairs and exercises in peace and I explained that I would like time for myself to do the same, but I don't get chance as he's out, I can't whilst my daughters in bed it will wake her up as I've tried it that way in the past.

im at a loss

if I ever should say how I feel, like today, he disappears for hours, knowing that I'm struggling, certainly running around after a one year old.

hes gone now, left about 2 hours ago, and all I get is a text message saying how "sick he is of us arguing over anything and everything".

I'm made to feel guilty then for wanting time with him even though he goes out twice a day, I've being supportive with him getting back in to football as I know he loves that, I've been supportive for him to get back in to work after I'm back on my feet, but it just gets thrown back in my face if I ask him to stay and to just be with me.

i just want to know, is it me? Am I being unreasonable here? 

I cant ant talk to him about anything as I know, itll just get turned back to me, that everything's my fault, as usual.

id better leave it there now as my daughter just got up From her nap.

ive got no one else to talk to, so any advice would be greatly welcomed

Gem x

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: Gemmn
Fri, 03-07-2014 - 10:01am

Is your partner the father of the 7-year-old as well?  If not, is the father paying for child support?

IMHO, it is a lot for someone to care for an ill person and two young children full-time and he absolutely deserves time-off and be have some fun with his friends  Three years is a long time and many people suffer caretaker burn out.  Not to make light of your illness or your situation, but you CHOSE to be a mother despite of your health and financial situation.  Perhaps you could take up some hobby such as reading (doesn't cost anything to get books from the library).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: Gemmn
Fri, 03-07-2014 - 10:53am

I can see both sides here and not actually knowing what is going on (i.e. hearing only your side of it) I wouldn't make a decision about who is right and who is wrong.  I do agree with you that he probably should be getting up and helping you with the baby in the morning.  But it seems like you expect him to constantly be at your side and not have any free time and take care of you 24/7 and that is just too much to expect.  He should be able to have time to exercise and go out with his friends.  I mean it is sad that you are sick but he is also not a nurse.  From your writing it doesn't appear that you are American--are there any services available to you, such as a home health aide or someone to come in and help with housework or someone to do respite care, even as a volunteer?  Do you belong to a church?  Maybe some church members would be willing to volunteer to give you a hand--or maybe if you are near a high school there are some kids who might be willing to help take care of the kids.  In our high school, kids have to do community service to graduate, so I am thinking of that.  Maybe you can make a schedule with your partner that recognizes that he needs some time alone but you also need a break from caring for the kids too.  I think that if you aren't any fun to be with he is probably anxious to get away from you too--I mean, I know you are in pain and tired so it's not like you are going to go out dancing, but right now he probably sees you just as someone he has to take care of--can you try to make some time for having dinner together or watching a movie where you can relate as partners and not as caretaker/patient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
In reply to: Gemmn
Fri, 03-07-2014 - 12:31pm

Hi thank you for getting back to me, I don't want him to be at my side at all times, I know he needs his space, as we all do! He doesn't do anything in the way of taking care of me, I take care of myself and the children. I encourage him to go and do things he likes and I'm all for him going out, the only thing I ask, is to help me more, I'm constantly being left with two children with no help from my partner. He is my Carer, but not caring for me if you get me? It's hard situation. I asked him to have the children, just so I can have alone time too, to take the children out for a couple of hours, so I can just have me time also as he is getting his alone time you know. It's 50/50 I thought, but it feels like me, doing 100%. 

I chose to have children yes, but at the same time, so did my partner and he should help out more than he is like i say, I've tried to come to a compromise where well both be happy, and each get our own space, as I love my free time and my own company.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: Gemmn
Fri, 03-07-2014 - 11:33pm

I'm curious about the word "Carer".  In America, it would be called a "caregiver" or "caretaker", and those are usually paid positions.  Is this guy being paid to take care of you, or to assist you?  He obviously doesn't have a job outside the home, so where does he get the money to go out drinking with his friends?  If he's being paid somehow to assist you, then he should be assisting you when you NEED it, not just when he feels like it.  You didn't answer the person who asked if this man is also the father of the older child?  Whether or not he is that, he IS the father of the younger one.  How does he contribute to that child's upbringing?  Something isn't right here.  It sound like he comes and goes as he please, and he does very little for you.  So whether he's a paid professional care giver, or he's just a man who hangs around and does only what he feels like doing, and not much caring, including for his young child.  If you're in NEED of care where does YOUR income come from?  Have you applied for any government assistance?  Here in America, disabled persons can ask for public assistance, and they can get a healthcare assistant, if that's deemed a necessity.  You would probably do better with a professional care giver instead of someone with the title, who does nothing but make you unhappy, and take money from you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
In reply to: Gemmn
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 6:47pm

The basic issue of "the man doesn't do enough around the house" is not uncommon for couples. In your case it gets exaggerated because with your disabilities you may be able to do less than the average woman/mom. And since he doesn't go to an outside job, theoretically he should be doing 50% of housecare and childcare and still have time to see friends and for "couple time".

I suspect that the details you did not provide would tell a lot about this story. By "carer" do you mean caregiver or assistant? Does he get paid to perform this role? Is he a professional caregiver, meaning that he has been trained to provide this service to people with an illness or disability; and has worked in this role before he became your caregiver? Or did he fall into

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
In reply to: Gemmn
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 6:49pm

The basic issue of "the man doesn't do enough around the house" is not uncommon for couples. In your case it gets exaggerated because with your disabilities you may be able to do less than the average woman/mom. And since he doesn't go to an outside job, theoretically he should be doing 50% of housecare and childcare and still have time to see friends and for "couple time".

I suspect that the details you did not provide would tell a lot about this story. By "carer" do you mean caregiver or assistant? Does he get paid to perform this role? Is he a professional caregiver, meaning that he has been trained to provide this service to people with an illness or disability; and has worked in this role before he became your caregiver? Or did he fall into

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
In reply to: Gemmn
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 6:51pm

The basic issue of "the man doesn't do enough around the house" is not uncommon for couples. In your case it gets exaggerated because with your disabilities you may be able to do less than the average woman/mom. And since he doesn't go to an outside job, theoretically he should be doing 50% of housecare and childcare and still have time to see friends and for "couple time".

I suspect that the details you did not provide would tell a lot about this story. By "carer" do you mean caregiver or assistant? Does he get paid to perform this role? Is he a professional caregiver, meaning that he has been trained to provide this service to people with an illness or disability; and has worked in this role before he became your caregiver? Or did he fall into

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: Gemmn
Sun, 03-09-2014 - 10:29am

If you are in Oz, and it sounds as if that may be the case, your boyfriend is receiving a stipend from the government to serve as your carer.  That would account for how he has money to go out and drink with his mates.  Unfortunately, he seems to have lost sight of the connection between the money and his responsibilities. 

You are the one who needs the carer, and you will need the carer even if he has a job.  You need someone to talk to about kinds and levels of care he can be expected to deliver, and then you and your boyfriend need to discuss these expectations, perhaps with a third party to mediate.

It makes sense for family members to be carers, but it's easy for the lines to blur, to the detriment of both the caring and the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-10-2014 - 2:46pm

I saw that you posted on another board that you are 30 and your partner is 23.  I was thinkiing that you were both older for some reason--just jumping to conclusions.  I just think the guy is too immature.  Not that he shouldn't be responsible if he is going to be a father, but I think we have an answer here--he still wants to be young and go out & have fun, yet the reality is that he has a child and a disabled partner and he can't handle it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
In reply to: Gemmn
Fri, 03-14-2014 - 6:36am

Hi everyone thank you for your replies,

my partner is getting paid to look after me yes and he's not my eldest child's dad. My head is a little fried, last night we talked,he said he now wants more freedom and he doesnt know what he wants, All I want is to be a family. I don't know what to expect when he walks through the door. I just want him to be happy.

Pages