Is it me?
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| Fri, 08-10-2007 - 3:43pm |
I apologize in advance for the length of this post.
My dh and I have been married 23 years. For most of it was as close to perfect as any marriage can get. For a few years now this marriage has no resemblance to what we had. I have been trying to pinpoint where it went off track and I'm not sure. I know there has always been a couple of points that bothered me about him. The biggest, and I know it sounds petty, is that he could never make a special occasion feel special. He always bought me a gift (often the day of which I tried not to let it bother me), but as far as making any plans, I often didn't know at 3 pm of that day whether I was to go home after work and make supper. His usual practice was to call me on his 3:15 break and tell me he thought we should go out for supper. Have you ever tried to find a restaurant on Valentine's day that could fit you in with no reservations?
Frankly, I found it embarrassing when people asked me what we were doing for my birthday, valentines or anni and I had to respond with an I don't know. So I told dh to skip valentine's, saying I thought it was too commercialized - gave me a good excuse when I heard all the romantic stories other women had the next day. I then took dh off the hook for my birthday. The one thing I didn't want to let go of was our anniversary - our marriage was the accomplishment in my life I was most proud of.
I tried to plan vacations around our anni so there was no pressure on dh. I worked it all out. But once in a while I needed him to show me that he appreciated having me for a wife. I tapered back on the plans, expecting him to step up. He didn't. I realized it was unfair for me to expect him to read my mind so the next few years I told him it was his turn - that meant I got the 3:15 dinner invite. Not good enough in my mind. Then I morphed myself into what I thought was his dream wife. Beefed up our sex life, turned into his biggest cheerleader, the best housekeeper, anything I could think of. Surely this would be the year where he would be thrilled to give me that one special day I had been fighting so hard for. Didn't happen. I became bitter, I know I did. That bitterness has spread beyond the anniversaries now.
We went through a stage where all we seeemed to be able to do was fight and argue. It was pretty ugly and we both knew it. We have gotten past that, we don't fight now, but it feels like we are cautiously circling each other. We are polite friends trying hard not to push each other's buttons.
Now we are in a cycle. We do the cautious thing for a while. I see dh looking content - like he thinks it's "all good", I feel empty and alone. I try to talk to him about how I feel like he seems content while I feel empty and need more. This usually gets him defensive and we start to fight. I end up mad at him and mad at myself for not keeping my mouth shut. Two days later he decides he should talk to me, by then I've stewed for 2 days. He makes promise after promise that is full of buzz phrases like "I'm going to start communicating more, I'm going to work on fixing it" I ask what is "it" and what is he communicating more of? I know as long has he can't pinpoint what "it" is how is anything going to change? My theory is that you need to actually know what you are going to change if any change is going to take place. He can't get past this.
Am I asking too much? How do make myself content with what I've got? Really, my marriage isn't that bad, there's no violence, he's basically a nice guy, we've built a good life together. Do I just need to accept that the magic of the first 15 or so years is gone and I just need to be content with alright?

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Thank you for not being critical to me.
The hardest part of all of this is that he being so hurt and frustrated and knowing the rest of the world looks at this and says "it's just a bathing suit." No, it's not just the suit, it's that I lower my expectations only to discover that he saw that mark and aimed for just slightly below it.
I'm not sure how much lower I can go - I'm feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated already.
I know he's not abusive, he doesn't cheat, he's not a drinker, I could go on and on. Yet this feels like a form of mental abuse. He breaks a promise, promises to do better next time, suckers me into believing he really means it this time and the shatters me once again.
I hate feeling like this. I know I can't change him, yet I feel I can't go on living like this either.
Hello,
I usually lurk but felt so drawn to your story that I wanted to write. I totally understand where you are coming from. I was there, and while my ending isn't likely to be desirable for you (my dh and I divorced), I can at least tell you that: it isn't YOU and you aren't being "difficult to please."
We divorced for a different reason, but his irresponsibility plagued the marriage for 18 years. I would lurch from thinking that he was doing it deliberately, to wondering if he had some undiagnosed illness. He just simply *did not* do anything at all in our home or marriage. I read books that told me to ask him for what I wanted, to suggest things, but honestly, I hated that worse because it meant I had yet another task to do - follow up on him. Only made more work for me, and I was already doing plenty. Asking him to please remember to buy milk on the way home was just too much stress for me, and yes, I kept thinking to myself "it's only milk" the way you do about the bathing suit.
We have one DS, and I've noticed that since the divorce, X-DH actually has to be responsible. And he is, finally. I decided right from the start that I would not enable him, would not help him when he has our DS (now 10 yo). You know what? My X-DH doesn't run out of milk, he pays his bills, and gets to work on time. Never did that when we were married, not without my continuous prodding.
So one thing has come to me from those old days - it wasn't any illness he had. He just didn't want to do anything. Being away from that has really helped me.
I truly understand why you wrote, "I lower my expectations only to discover that he saw that mark and aimed for just slightly below it." My X-DH did that and he was a grand master at it. Now my only lingering thought about that is "why?" Why would he be that way? I will probably never know.
I wish the best for you,
Debbie
Thank you, thank you. You have no idea how much I have been needing someone - anyone to make me feel like it is not all me.
I have been avidly reading the book 'Living With the Passive Aggressive Man' by Scott Wetzler. I wish I had found this book 10 years ago, he describes my life to a T. All the things my dh does, the promises made and broken, the starting tasks and not completing them, the procrastination, tardiness and the ridiculous excuses for all of his mistakes. Most reassuringly he also describes my emotions. I finally know it is not my fault, I am not crazy. It is his problem, not mine. (I am not saying I am free of faults here)
I know now that he has always been this way. He fell in love with me because I am strong, capable woman. I am an organizer and can accomplish pretty much anything I set my mind to. Ironically, this is the part of me that he is also most afraid of. This is the part of me that has the strength to leave him. This is the part of me that he feels the need to try to destroy. For years I enabled his passive aggressiveness. Life just ran more smoothly if I did things rather than depend on him. If I wanted the bills paid on time, the banking kept in order, I needed to do it myself and not rely on him. There are hundreds of things that I simply did because it was easier than asking him to do it and then having to nag and wait and live in fear that he simply wouldn't do it.
I do know that this has reached the deal breaker point for me. Either my dh has to do what he needs to do to stop treating me this way or I am leaving. I am not innocent in all of this, but I am willing to make changes to improve things - nothing will improve between us without him making some vital changes. Our marriage is at the end.
But I feel so much stronger - even with the fears of what a divorce will bring. I am on the road to healing myself. Either way, I am going to come out of this a less angry, less resentful and stronger.
Hello again,
I could have written every word you just typed to me. I remember feeling exactly as you do. I could tell you stories about the basement projects my X-DH started and then never completed. Spent the money on all the supplies (money I earned), hauled it down there, made great messes, and then....when I sold the house after the divorce, I had to pay someone to clear it all out. All the stuff had been there collecting dust for about 4-5 years.
He was a packrat and the basement was almost entirely full of his stuff from high school, years worth of papers he'd dragged home from work (when he thought coworkers were stealing from him, another story!), misc paperback books, small appliances that no longer worked but he insisted he could fix (and never got around to), VHS tapes, I should stop here because it's getting long enough, this message.
When he moved out, he took nothing and left all his mess for me to deal with. One of those 1-800 junk places took care of that in an hour.
Some of the things I *had* to do or I'd be hurt by it not being done, such as the taxes, paying bills, etc. He *knew* I didn't want to wreck my credit, so he could rely on me doing all of that and I did it because no one else would.
In the end, my credit is excellent and I no longer have a grown baby to deal with. At least with kids, they mature and take care of themselves. I just simply could not face doing everything for the next 30-40 years with no help and no appreciation while he got to do whatever he wanted with no responsibilities. I'm no princess - I just wanted an equal partner!
And forget about him doing anything for me - the only reason he ever remembered my birthday was because my Mom would remind him, and sometimes I wish she hadn't done that. I was funny about this - I refused to tell him what I wanted, because I figure if I had to beg him to take me out on my birthday or our anniversary, what fun is that? If I meant something special to him, he'd do it on his own.
I am remarried now to a dear man who IS a wonderful partner, and when he brings me flowers or prepares dinner or runs the vacuum completely out of the blue, I think I've died and gone to heaven. My last birthday, he took the day off work, cleaned the house, made dinner, had my favorite CD playing when I got home from work, and then we watched my favorite DVD snuggled on the sofa with a glass of my favorite wine.
I wish the same happiness for you!
Debbie
Ok, now you have me laughing. Your X could be a twin separated at birth. My dh's biggest nightmare is the 1 800 junk guys. I even had their magnet on our fridge just to bug him. We have a 2 car garage that we can't park in, our basement is a series of paths through his junk. He collects every broken appliance he can get his hands on with the story that he will fix it one day.
The birthday thing is exactly us. If I have to nag, beg or fight for it don't bother. If it's special, make it feel special.
I am very happy that you found a great husband. I am not quite ready to give up on mine though. I do believe there's a prince in there. He had many prince qualities before with just traces of passive aggressiveness. It just seems the passive aggressive side of him has taken over and buried the prince. He has been an active participant in my research and seems just amazed at how closely the traits suit him. I do believe he will go to therapy about this and will actually work on it this time. At one time (for about the first 10 years) it felt like we were soul mates. I'm hopeful we can get back there.
Thanks again.
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