Is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Is it me?
11
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 3:48pm

I'm sorry this is so long. I tend to be very detailed when I explain things.

I have been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years. Very early on, it was decided that I was the one he wanted to marry. Yet, the question hasn't been asked yet, so there is no official engagement. We do not live together, but just recently started talking about it. The issue came up because the housing market got to be so bad, and now is going down again, and he is eager to buy a home before it goes up again. I told him that before I INVEST money into a home together, I want him to move in with me for at least 6 months, as kind of a trial run. I have lived by myself for 8 and a half years, and I know it is going to take a lot of adjusting for me to live with someone. As a result of being on my own for almost a decade, I am very set in my ways, and am not sure how I will handle melding my life with someone elses, completely. I don't know how I will handle his dvd's mixed with mine, his clothes in my closet, no more alone time...etc. Anyway...that is not my issue. My issue is...these discussions are at the top of our list. Him moving in, us eventually owning a house together...getting married, having kids...but like I said, nothing carved in stone. No ring on finger. And the way he talks, it sounds to me like he is more interested in owning the home, than buying the ring. I'm a little disappointed in that, because I would like to be engaged at least, before I invest in a home with him. But it seems his priorities are different than mine. I can live with this. However, suddenly, I'm finding things about him that I'm not liking. And he doesn't even live with me yet.

SIDE NOTE: The reason I say move in with me, is because he lives with his parents. Rent free. I live alone in an apartment with a very low rent. He has nothing to lose...I do.

A few months ago, he said I could use his laptop to watch a video. But there was a password on his laptop to log in. So I called him and asked him what his password was. He refused to give it to me. Now...I was offended. His explanation was that it's his password for everything...which is understandable...but it still hurt. A few weeks later, he set up a "guest account". So now I can log onto his laptop without a password, as a guest. Ok...fine. I can deal with that.

Another time, I asked him during a conversation about it, how much he had saved up toward a downpayment for a home. He wouldn't give me an answer. I finally got out of him, "couple thousand". That's all he would say about it.

Now over this past weekend, I had paid for some items at a store. He was going to transfer the money to my bank account to pay me back. I was in the kitchen throwing trash away, when he was like, "can you go back into the living room please?" Now, where I live, is a duplex...it's basically all one room. Kitchen, dining room, living room. The computer is on the wall in the dining room. I guess he felt uncomfortable banking with me standing 10 feet to his left, in the kitchen, he would rather me sit on the couch, 10 feet to his right. I told him no, I was busy. He sat in the dining room chair, with the bank screen minimized, and refused to do anything, until I went and sat on the couch. I again, found this very offensive. It's one thing to keep your passwords private. But to act the way he did last night, really upset me.

Here I am, with this guy who expects me to marry him...and yet, 3 years into a relationship, is so tight lipped and secretive about his money and his passwords. But yet...he wants my credit score to be at least 600 before we get married, and he's always worried about the money I'm spending and whether I've saved anything toward our house since I paid my car off. Since the beginning, I've been very open about my own finances. He knows my credit score, and he knew how much debt that I had when we started dating and that it's all paid off. I tell him everytime my credit score goes up,mostly because I'm so excited that it's going up that I have to tell someone. lol. I tell him exactly how much I've saved anytime he asks. I've told him my passwords to log on to my computer as well as to log onto my internet. I've told him my pin number for my debit card, when I gave him my card to get money from the bank for me. I'm not tightlipped about any of that. And I feel that if we are talking about owning a home together...getting married...he should be more open about his finances with me. Am I wrong?

Last night, in his argument, he brought up how I'm the one always preaching about privacy. Yes, privacy meaning, don't walk up and read my emails over my shoulder, or my IM conversations. Don't ask me when a friend calls who it was or what they wanted. If it was your business, I'd volunteer the information to you. I feel it's rude to ask. Don't walk in on me in the bathroom. Don't go through my purse. THAT is what I mean by privacy. Two totally different things (in my opinion).

It seems like he doesn't think it will last, so he's protecting his passwords and account information. I don't know. It makes me wonder what being married to him will be like. I'm picturing a Ward Cleaver. Where he's the one who has the checkbook, pays the bills...etc. Like I'd be getting an allowance.

I know that he is insecure...which he will never admit. But he most definately is. And so I thought maybe it's because he's insecure because I make slightly more money than he does. Maybe he's ashamed because he has no rent, therefore should have more money saved than he actually does. I don't know.

Is it wrong for me to be offended by his behavior?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 4:36pm

With one exception, which I will get to, I feel like I could have written this post and have written a similar post previously. My live-in boyfriend is super secretive about passwords and finances. My opinion is that how much he spends and how much he has in his bank account is his business (as my money is my business...we both make enough money to be comfortable) but when it comes to a shared endeavor (like putting money down for a house) there should be open communication about what each party expects the other to save for the endeavor and how they are coming along with saving that money (so long as you don't ask every month and it ends up nagging someone to death). If I was married to the person, however, I would expect to share finances- no ifs, ands or buts (and I make more money than all of the men I have dated). Also, I'm willing to give on sharing my personal financial info with someone I live with if they do the same for me.

The password issue is what would unnerve me if I was you and has unneaved me with my boyfriend. He has told me to leave the room when putting his password in. It irritates me because I, like you, am open with my password. We haven't been together as long as you guys have so I'm being a little patient with it but, for you, it would really bother me if I was in your shoes and someone wouldn't give me their password for such an innocent reason after knowing me for three years. Are there any other trust issues in your relationship? Has he actually gone through your purse, phone, e-mails before? Have you gone through his wallet, phone, e-mails? If so, was it a while ago or recent?

If you are living together and have been together for three years, I think you should have his password at this point...its silly to not trust you (unless there are some other trust issues not being mentioned in your post) and indicates insecurity on his part and the fact that he does not fully trust you (and I wouldn't be getting married unless he does).

Now for the exception. I personally don't care if my boyfriend asks me who calls me and what that person and I talked about. IMO I know I can't have it both ways and if I want his information (like passwords) he can ask me about mine (like phone calls). Both are private information but sharing lives and living spaces means sharing private information with someone. That being said, I wouldn't want someone sneaking up behind me or snooping around after I'm on the computer because it is a major sign of insecurity (unless one party has given the other party cause to think something was going on). My point is, if you expect someone to give you your password to their accounts you should expect to have a little more tolerance for questions like "Have you talked to so and so lately? What about?" "Who were you talking to on IM?" Yes, this is probably insecurity on his part but everyone has some insecurity. Also, have you considered that he might not care what your passwords are? Just like you think conversations with people are private, he might think his password is private. If you want him to open up about personal info you want to know, you should expect to give the same for things he might rather know about (like who called you) than the things you feel willing to tell him (like passwords and financial info). If he wants to know about your calls/IMs, however, there has to be a balance between someone who (a) needs a little soothing of insecurities through reassurance of who/what is in your life beside them and (b) jumping to conclusions and asking for that information every 10 seconds and/or not sharing the information you want him to give you but demanding that you share with him the information he wants.

Just my, very long, opinion.




Edited 7/2/2007 4:51 pm ET by sweet_girl1981
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 4:45pm

Welcome to the board brattyangelgirl,


Wow, sounds like he doesn't understand the difference between privacy and secrecy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 4:48pm

Welcome to the board brattyangelgirl,


Actually I have to agree with your bf about the privacy issues. To

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:01pm

One thing I wanted to mention, but forgot to.... I highly recommend you let him live on his own before moving in with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 11:52pm

Brattyangelgirl, I'm not sure "offended" is how I'd be feeling regarding his behaviour. I'd be more likely to use words such as annoyed, wary and 'double standards'.

But putting aside all the relationship concerns, on a purely practical level I would not be getting emotionally involved - let alone buying a house - with someone who was so secretive about their money. What on earth is he hiding!!!!????

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:42am

sweet_girl1981, thank you for reading my lengthy post! There are trust issues...and have been from the beginning. I totally and completely trust him...but it doesn't seem as though he trusts me. I think that his ex cheated on him, but he says she didn't. He did mention once that she was talking to someone behind his back...(wouldn't that mean she was cheating?)

Some specific incidents... I have male friends that I have known since before he came into my life. When he and I first started dating, I was living with a male roomate who I had known since high school...one of my best friends. He was fine with this...but would ask questions. "Did you ever date?" stuff like that. I told him no, but was honest that the guy had a crush on me in high school. So now every once in a while, when we hang out with my friend, my boyfriend brings that up, asking if I think he still has a thing for me or something like that.

Another one...I am friends with a local band. I was introduced to them by another friend from high school, who worked for them. Before my boyfriend and I met, I had been going to EVERY SINGLE show these guys had. Me and my friend would get into all the shows for free because we were "with" the band. I continued to go to all their shows even after my boyfriend and I started dating, because I wanted to show support for them. My boyfriend was very jealous of my relationship with the band...always making comments about how they're not my friends, that I'm just a groupie (um...groupies sleep with the band, which I have NEVER done). Then he was jealous of my friend, that worked for the band. Asking again, if we ever dated, did anything ever happen between us. Again, I tell him no. I've known him for 10 years...we're just friends. Oh, and guys having girlfriends, wives, kids...doesn't mean anything to him. He is in the mindset that men and women can't be "just friends".

I have another friend, whom I met online, about 10 years ago. We have only met in person 3 times...LONG before my boyfriend was in the picture. But we do keep in touch online and on the phone. He calls me once in a while...and I would always be open with my boyfriend. But he started for some reason, associating arguments with my talking to this guy. The arguments would have absolutely nothing to do with this guy, or anything, but we would fight later that night, and because I told him earlier I spoke to my friend, he would associate the fight with the phone call. So it got to the point where I stopped telling him that I would talk to my friend, and then I made a big mistake. One day he asked me, and I told him no. But he said let me look at your phone. And I said no. And he knew then that I was lying. He doesn't like liars...so we almost broke up that night. BUT that was a long time ago, and I NEVER cheated on him or anything...and since then I've asked my friend to stop calling because it was causing problems in my relationship, and I've let my boyfriend pick up my phone and go through it whenever he wanted to. It really pissed me off that he would, but I had nothing to hide, so go through it.

It's been a while since he did go through my phone. So that seems to have stopped. But his trust issues came long before that incident. Oh, and he's always asking me if guys at work hit on me, or if I would go to lunch with one of them, or if I talk about work, and tell a story about one of the guys there, that guy is suddenly "my boyfriend" and my real boyfriend constantly asks me questions about him. And I can tell him that the guy is married, has kids, is older than me...it doesn't matter...they have a thing for me...stay away from them. I had to go to Office Depot with the budget manager to get something for my boss, because I didn't have a purchasing card (I was still on probation from taking a promotion) and my boyfriend made a big deal out of that. I don't want you going anywhere with him. WHAT? And my dad works at the same place I do, yet saw nothing wrong with me going to the store with this guy for work related items! He's just totally jealous.
The other day at the mall, a guy at the food court said I should try some chicken from the place I was standing in front of (while waiting for my bf to decide what he wanted). I said, no that's ok, I eat here all the time, I know how good it is. Then my boyfriend walked to his place, and I stepped up to get the chicken. After that, When we were walking to our table, he said, "that guy was really into you, he can't take his eyes off you." When we sat down, i was on the side of the table that faced that guys back, and my boyfriend kept insisting that I was staring at the guy. When I wasn't looking in his direction at all!

He has never gone through my purse, but he does walk in on me in the bathroom, he has read emails and IM's OVER MY SHOULDER, and he has gone through my phone. The only reason it bothers me that he asks me who called or what they wanted, is because he does it EVERY TIME. It's MY cell phone, it's none of his business. If I want to tell you who it was or why they called, I will. I don't do that to him. I don't ask him who it was when he gets phone calls. And I don't ask him what they wanted. And he doesn't always volunteer the information either. And I don't ask who it was, or why he ignored the call. You know...I'm a girl...I have friends that call me to talk, and it's none of his business. I had a friend that called me upset because she just found out she had an std...I left the room to take the call. He asks me the second I walk out of my bedroom who it was and what they wanted. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

I was brought up to believe that everyone needs privacy. That when you're married, or in a relationship, doesn't mean you give up everything about yourself. I have kept a diary since I was like 10. I would never want him to read it. There is stuff in there I would never tell him, or anybody else for that matter...does that mean I'm keeping secrets from him? I don't think so. But from what I've learned about him...he would think I was. I've got my diaries all packed up, and put away, so he can't read them. I've had a boyfriend read my diary before, and we broke up because I couldn't feel I could trust him anymore.

Well that's about the extent of our trust issues. I don't think that has anything to do with keeping passwords from me. Or not telling me how much he has saved toward our house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:46am

That's definately it. He doesn't know the difference between secrecy and privacy!

I've tried talking to him about it, we get no where. We just end up in an argument, where no one wins.

I will just have to give him the same type of generic responses when it comes to my finances.

He has lived on his own before. He lived with a girlfriend for 3 or 4 years, and then they broke up and he stayed in the apartment when she left. But he moved in with his parents right before we started dating, and he's been there since, living rent free. Now he refuses to move out on his own because he doesn't want to pay rent. He figures if he can afford to rent, he can afford to buy. BUT...the thing is...he can't afford to buy...not without me. Where we live has gotten so expensive to buy a home. And I won't buy unless we live together first, which means he'll have to move in with me and pay half the rent. So I think he will end up doing that...but he won't get his own place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 8:54am

We've talked about how the finances will be handled when we're married. At the time, it was agreed that since I'm better with my money than he is, I will handle the checking account and pay the bills. But I'm not sure now if that was a serious conversation or not. Part of it was joking...I joked that I would give him an allowance. I was only half joking...what I said I was going to do was let him keep his bank account, and I would transfer money into it, so that he could use his debit card and buy whatever he wanted, without me having to worry about him overspending and overdrafting our account. Now last night, in an argument about the secrecy thing, he said that we've already talked about how the money will be handled when we're married...and that is the only conversation that I recall...so maybe it was taken seriously...I don't know.

I'm not saying I don't tell him stuff. I'm not full of secrets. I just was brought up to believe that everyone needs privacy. I think it's rude of him to go through my cell phone, to read my emails over my shoulder, go through my purse without my permission...I think it shows distrust. I don't like him walking in on me in the bathroom...that's the ONE place where you expect to have privacy. But the money issue...if I'm going to buy a house with this guy, or marry him, I expect him to be totally honest with me about his finances. I don't want to invest my money into a house...only to find that he can't keep up his half of the mortgage because he's got too many debts, or has a bad habit of spending or something like that. And I don't want to marry someone, only to find he's got a hundred different debts. So I don't feel that his issue is more important than mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 9:57am

Hi,

I think you have bigger problems than the passwords and who will pay the bills.
He does not TRUST you, by his actions of questioning you, and you should not go to a store with someone you work with, even job related? You shouldn't have male friends? How long do you want to stay in a relationship where you have to PROVE you are trustworthy? If you don't have trust in a relationship, it is not much of a relationship. Why would you want to buy a house with someone, and worse yet marry someone that doesn't trust you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: brattyangelgirl
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 10:43am

'The only reason it bothers me that he asks me who called or what they wanted, is because he does it EVERY TIME. '

He is controlling. This isn't just about privacy, behavior like that is scary. Do you want to justify your actions like that for the rest of your life?

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