Is it me?
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| Mon, 07-02-2007 - 3:48pm |
I'm sorry this is so long. I tend to be very detailed when I explain things.
I have been in a relationship with this guy for 3 years. Very early on, it was decided that I was the one he wanted to marry. Yet, the question hasn't been asked yet, so there is no official engagement. We do not live together, but just recently started talking about it. The issue came up because the housing market got to be so bad, and now is going down again, and he is eager to buy a home before it goes up again. I told him that before I INVEST money into a home together, I want him to move in with me for at least 6 months, as kind of a trial run. I have lived by myself for 8 and a half years, and I know it is going to take a lot of adjusting for me to live with someone. As a result of being on my own for almost a decade, I am very set in my ways, and am not sure how I will handle melding my life with someone elses, completely. I don't know how I will handle his dvd's mixed with mine, his clothes in my closet, no more alone time...etc. Anyway...that is not my issue. My issue is...these discussions are at the top of our list. Him moving in, us eventually owning a house together...getting married, having kids...but like I said, nothing carved in stone. No ring on finger. And the way he talks, it sounds to me like he is more interested in owning the home, than buying the ring. I'm a little disappointed in that, because I would like to be engaged at least, before I invest in a home with him. But it seems his priorities are different than mine. I can live with this. However, suddenly, I'm finding things about him that I'm not liking. And he doesn't even live with me yet.
SIDE NOTE: The reason I say move in with me, is because he lives with his parents. Rent free. I live alone in an apartment with a very low rent. He has nothing to lose...I do.
A few months ago, he said I could use his laptop to watch a video. But there was a password on his laptop to log in. So I called him and asked him what his password was. He refused to give it to me. Now...I was offended. His explanation was that it's his password for everything...which is understandable...but it still hurt. A few weeks later, he set up a "guest account". So now I can log onto his laptop without a password, as a guest. Ok...fine. I can deal with that.
Another time, I asked him during a conversation about it, how much he had saved up toward a downpayment for a home. He wouldn't give me an answer. I finally got out of him, "couple thousand". That's all he would say about it.
Now over this past weekend, I had paid for some items at a store. He was going to transfer the money to my bank account to pay me back. I was in the kitchen throwing trash away, when he was like, "can you go back into the living room please?" Now, where I live, is a duplex...it's basically all one room. Kitchen, dining room, living room. The computer is on the wall in the dining room. I guess he felt uncomfortable banking with me standing 10 feet to his left, in the kitchen, he would rather me sit on the couch, 10 feet to his right. I told him no, I was busy. He sat in the dining room chair, with the bank screen minimized, and refused to do anything, until I went and sat on the couch. I again, found this very offensive. It's one thing to keep your passwords private. But to act the way he did last night, really upset me.
Here I am, with this guy who expects me to marry him...and yet, 3 years into a relationship, is so tight lipped and secretive about his money and his passwords. But yet...he wants my credit score to be at least 600 before we get married, and he's always worried about the money I'm spending and whether I've saved anything toward our house since I paid my car off. Since the beginning, I've been very open about my own finances. He knows my credit score, and he knew how much debt that I had when we started dating and that it's all paid off. I tell him everytime my credit score goes up,mostly because I'm so excited that it's going up that I have to tell someone. lol. I tell him exactly how much I've saved anytime he asks. I've told him my passwords to log on to my computer as well as to log onto my internet. I've told him my pin number for my debit card, when I gave him my card to get money from the bank for me. I'm not tightlipped about any of that. And I feel that if we are talking about owning a home together...getting married...he should be more open about his finances with me. Am I wrong?
Last night, in his argument, he brought up how I'm the one always preaching about privacy. Yes, privacy meaning, don't walk up and read my emails over my shoulder, or my IM conversations. Don't ask me when a friend calls who it was or what they wanted. If it was your business, I'd volunteer the information to you. I feel it's rude to ask. Don't walk in on me in the bathroom. Don't go through my purse. THAT is what I mean by privacy. Two totally different things (in my opinion).
It seems like he doesn't think it will last, so he's protecting his passwords and account information. I don't know. It makes me wonder what being married to him will be like. I'm picturing a Ward Cleaver. Where he's the one who has the checkbook, pays the bills...etc. Like I'd be getting an allowance.
I know that he is insecure...which he will never admit. But he most definately is. And so I thought maybe it's because he's insecure because I make slightly more money than he does. Maybe he's ashamed because he has no rent, therefore should have more money saved than he actually does. I don't know.
Is it wrong for me to be offended by his behavior?

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I completely understand what you are saying and agree with you.
I was just trying to say in my original post if I was going to keep things private I would keep the banking/money info private versus phone conversions and such. But I agree that if you are going to buy a house together and get married you deserve to know what his financial situation is like.
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