Is it over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Is it over?
1
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 8:18pm

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and we live together. However, he and I just recently read the book "Real Love" and now I fear for our relationship. I have learned that he no longer finds me sexually attractive - I'm too heavy(and I will admit that I gained weight since we got together). He says that he feels that sex with me is a chore, and that he must do it every so often jsut to keep me happy. Obviously hearing this devastated me. I certainly don't want sex to feel like it's part of his chore list. And the weight issue hurt me very deeply. I know you can't change who you're physically attracted to, and I can't really blame him for that, but how shallow was his love for me all this time?

In reading the book, I realized that I have basically basement level self-love and self-esteem, so I am beginning to work on that with some mantras ans guided mental activities to start overplaying my negative thoughts with positive ones. He says he wants to love me unconditionally and that a times he really does, but that he's not able to move past the physical barrier between us right now. I'm working on that as well with diet and exercise.

But what I want to know is whether it's really worth it in the first place. I mean if I change to suit him, I feel like that will be wrong somehow. I mean I want to change in the same way he wants me to change, but my real motivation right now is to get past our problem here. We have plans for our future together that I am very attached to, and he says he won't leave me unless I ask him to go. I'm so confused. Any advice or help will be greatly appreciated.
Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 8:12am

Hi phpolicylady. Glad to see you tackling your self esteem issues.

May I suggest that his lack of desire for you may be related to more than just your weight?

You see, self confidence is something that also makes us attractive....and a lack of confidence is a turn off. If he spends time having to reassure you, it could well be contributing to his lack of desire.

Likewise, sexual desire can disappear in a relationship which has problems. You make no mention of the state of your relationship, but if it has "ups and downs" this would also likely effect his desire for you.

Regarding his comments about weight gain, I'm wondering just how much you've gained. If you're talking 50 lbs, I can understand that he may have issues with it....but if you've gained only 10 lbs I would question his motives.

However, if it is a substantial weight gain, don't question his love for you based solely on this problem. I've seen many a post from men and women who love their spouse dearly but cannot cope with the partner's dramatically increasing weight.

Trying to loose weight with the motive of keeping your partner happy will not work. It will only make you feel worse about yourself and you'll probably fail. The only way to do it is to do it for yourself. Is this something that you'd want to do even if you weren't with him?

Lastly, don't seek a partner who gives 'unconditonal' love. Those who give unconditional love are not emotionally healthy souls. We should all have conditions on our love...such as receiving respect, honesty and love in return.

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