is it over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
is it over?
19
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 7:44pm
boyfriend and i have issues. we've been dating for 9 months, and the beginning was really good; we were in love and jumped head-in first. the relationship moved pretty fast... but about 3 months ago we broke up cuz he needed space.

we did end up getting back together, but that was only after a couple days of breaking up. but things were never really the same after that. he would hang out with me, be super nice, then he'd be gone and leave me hanging, as if he's burnt out. after valentine's day, he did not call for 2 weeks. then we had a talk, and he made an effort to spend more time with me, and so he was sweet for about a week. it was a good week, then this week again, he didn't call. i see him at school, he acts fine at school, but out side of school he shows no concern for me. i feel like sometimes he's only doing enough to get by, and it's not fulfilling.

today his friend and i were talking about going out to dinner with a bunch people. his friend wanted to bring him along because he is trying to help us out. well he got on the phone, i asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner cuz we've been planning, he said he didn't have enough money and he didn't care if i had money or his friend did, he didn't want anyone to spend money on him. i knew this was never an issue before. we always go out together and pay for each other. i can tell by his tone that he wasn't thrilled to hear from me. i asked him if he really didn't want people to pay for him, or he just didn't want to see me. well he didn't say anything else and handed the phone to his friend.

that hurt so bad. he couldn't answer and had to let his friend do it! i thought i was the girl he loved so much and couldn't live without, one of his best friends. i mean, i hate to be one of those smothering, controlling GF, but he's got me on this emotinal rollercoaster, up one week, down another week, making me insecure. i love him, but i can't go on like this, with him always pulling away after being close to me. this is the 3rd time he's done it silently. he doesn't do anything wrong; he just does things for a while thinking it'd "keep me happy" then he's gone.

i've been thinking it's over and been wanting to tell him how i feel. of course i was upset, and i wanted to calm down and rethink that decision. but then again, i've contemplated with this idea before. do you think it's the right time that i tell him we should take a break? is this acceptable that your BF find excuses not to hang out with you and refuse to talk to you or reassure you of his feellings?

how can you pull away, get closer, never sure, if you say you want to be with someone? i don't think he knows what he wants.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
In reply to: melody127
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 1:12pm
I think you are right. He doesn't know what he wants. With that being said, just break up with him for good. You don't need to be going through every week wondering if he wants to be with you or not. It just sounds like he is not ready to make a commitment and when things get to close for him he backs off. The fact that he was rude to and didn't sound happy to hear from you should help you make the decision easier for you. You don't deserve to be disrespected like that. Don't even bother taking a break from each other if you have already done it. It isn't working.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: melody127
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 7:36pm
you are exactly right. but it's just so hard. how do you let go? how do you think about those good memories without crying and mourning? how could you let someone you love so much go? how do you deal with this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
In reply to: melody127
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:36pm
Hi.....

I am having a similar problem... Like you... my boyfriend has been acting Shady.. even since day one but not as bad. I have a posting up on here... but also, things have even been odd since I have put that posting up.

Things were ok in the beginning but he always put work before me. We have been dating 4 months and like you, we felt the relationship was great and went head first into things.... We dated for like a month or so until he told me he wanted to be exclusive with me... I think he was afraid I would date someone else... I fell inlove with him first and then he after I met his father and family. He's not very intouch with his emotions or feelings. We had a slight downfall lately... I had a male friend calling me a few times one night and that made him overly jealous. Telling me that he doesn't trust me and who knows what i'm doing when i'm not with him. This hurt me because I'm not the type to cheat and do something behind someones back. Nonetheless, he kept on about it after I explained to him that it was only a friend.... Ever since that day, he has been acting shady.. does't text me as much, doesn't call me as much.. things like that.... This happenned LAST Saturday. After this happenned, the following Monday we were on the phone and he was weird.. then Tues I went to his house and he was fine... "I love u, i miss you"... then I was supposed to spend the night with him on friday.... He is a dj for weddings and things like that... He had a last minute dj party... I got a little upset that he cancelled on me because it was important to me to spend the night with him...I was frustrated and when I started asking him at work and what priority I was... I made a comment and said, "I hope you find someone that will accept things like this".... he hung up on me because he didn't like that comment. I wound up going to his house and we talked.. Still things seemed odd.... Then Saturday he called me and sounded like he was in a good mood... said he was going to come over and help me with something.... Then I went out with my friend on Sat because he had a dj party.... I get a text from him at 3AM asking what I was doing... By this time I was home in my bed.... So, i answer him "home in bed"... he texts back with "did you go out"... I think he was checking up on me... Then on Sunday he came over and was in a "blah" mood.... he gets these sometimes... very moody... I myself don't know what to do.. I don't know if I should call him or distance away... I feel as though he's distancing himself away.... but apparantly he still wants to see me ... I feel if I kind of stop calling then maybe he will miss me.. I don't know... but it's like one day he's "GREAT" and the next "moody"... I don't get it....

I have comtemplated myself ending everything but being with him outweighs the not being with him.... you know? I am just as confused as you. My friends tell me to get rid of him.... but that's not what my heart says... then again I think it just may be my sadness as to the way he's treating me.... If I could tell you what I think about your situation I would say to get rid of him.. but I know it's hard honey.... and that's what maybe just talk and think hard before you make any decisions just yet.. I think you know what you want, but aren't ready to go in for the kill... you know what I mean?? For any of you that read this, please write...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: melody127
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:24pm
im so sorry to hear that you have a similiar situation because i know it's hard. yeah im so confused. i know... this is not how i want a relationship to be - i want someone who's sure he wants to be with me, and doesn't do the "rollercoaster" thing which doubts me of his intentions. im sick of the ups and downs, because they are so frequent and most of the time i don't even feel like we are in this together. so if i didn't have feelings, i'd dump him. but you are right, it's just hard because i love him and have given him all of me, and being with him outweighs not being with him.

however, i know that no matter what i do, one minute he'd be close, next minute he'd be distant. its a damn cycle that doesn't seem to stop, and im not secure cause of that. i don't know when he's gonna turn from mr.sweet to mr.Idon'tCare. i want something i can count on, something that won't turn its back on me.

so im in this state of self-conflict. i know if this drama is gonna keep on going, im gonna walk out eventually. right now i don't have the strength. we go to the same school. today i've been deliberately avoiding him, and it's hard on me. i'd rather run up to him and hug him, but that solves NOTHING. it won't change how he treats me. so... im taking a break from him and us. he doesn't know i'm doubting this relationship more than ever, i just need some time to figure it out. i was thinking about distancing myself, or "disappear" for a week so the both of us can feel what it's like without the other. he's never really thought i'd ever give up on him, maybe he's right, maybe he's wrong.

eventually we will need to talk about this. i'll probably end it because without a long time break, things don't change overnight without a miracle. but that doesn't mean i have the balls to push him away when he ask me to come back. i think this thing has made be strong, yet made me weak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: melody127
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:34pm
also to add to the complications of me getting mad at him, him wanting to be away from me, and me avioding him... his best friend comes into the picture. the night i got mad at him, his best friend started to joke around at the wrong time. i was very annoyed and offended and cussed him out. it wasn't right of me, so i apologized, many times. it's ridiculous because he had to offend me first, and out of anger i said something i didn't mean to, so i had to apologize. we used to just to cuss at each other jokingly, but sometimes the guy is emotinally unstable and take things seriously.

his best friend won't talk to me and im sure he knows about it. so now i got two guys, who think alike, thinking the girlfriend is crazy. i am a responsible person, and don't want things to end awkwardly with us hating each other. i will probably wait for a while and explain to his best friend hoping for forgiveness... if not he can just get over it. and i'll explain to my BF what happened if he was mad at me for that. but i know he's mad one reason or the other. he's not very mature at handling problems.

the way i wanna break if off (if i do) is without an additional conflict b/t his best friend and i. i want to be able to talk to my bf, and break up if needed as friends. so have any advice? im giving both of them space to cool down, and i want to make sure that i stay calm next time i talk to them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: melody127
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:39pm
So this guy is a fair-weather friend/boyfriend - when he's in a good mood, wants to see you, have sex then he's all nice and there for you....when he's not, you go by the wayside.

Aren't you worth more than this?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: melody127
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:47pm
good point. every time i find more words to describe him. and you are right, im so worth more than that. problem is it wasn't like this in the beginning of the relationship. we were good for 6 months - which makes it very hard to let go. after that... i guess he realized that he made a commitment he wasn't ready for and freaks out. then... things went down hill with occasional ups, but not enough to keep me hanging onto. so i think all i can do right now is take a time out, gather advices, and think about what im going to do.

oh and while listening to Eamon's "don't want you back" song, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
In reply to: melody127
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:17am
Hey... this guy sounds just like the guy that I am dating. And like you I am so confused and don't know what to do. Have you spoken to your friends about things???? I see a therapist regularly because about a year ago my father passed away... she helps me with relationship problems and I have brought this to her. She says that by constantly trying to make things better yourself... meaning trying to be kind to him, hold the relationship together... it also causes the guy to push away because you are being NEEDY.... I am that way.... Since this thing that happenned with us.... when I went to my friends party and saw one of my old friends who called me like 6 times in one night... my bf got pissed..lol... since this episode, he has been texting me less, calling me less, seeing me less.. I think he has a problem with trusting me and that's important. I would never do something and he needs to believe that... which I don't think that he does. I haven't heard "i love you" in a few days... He gets up in the morning at around 4:30 and comes back from work around 3 in the afternoon... He usually falls asleep very early at night and I'm sure that is one possibility as to why I don't hear from him as much also because he has been doing this job for about 2 weeks now. I didn't call him last night.. My therapist says to give it time and space... See what happens... but don't act NEEDY... Before I went to sleep I text him on my instant messenger on the phone telling him I was going to sleep and got his "idle away" message.... so, who knows... I will wait and see if he calls today.... I say that you just give it some time.. Do not keep on top of the situation and keep calling him.. let him have a chance to miss you... What do you think of all this??? Anyone else reading can reply! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
In reply to: melody127
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 5:39pm
hey... yes i've talked to my friends about it. ALL OF THEM say "just dump his ass" because i deserve better. i agree, but im too weak to just kick him out of my life. After 9 months of him being all that i've known, everytime i think about what we've shared, our memories, i start crying. i even have dreams consecutively about us... so im very contradicted.

but yes i rarely call him. its pretty common to go weeks without hearing him on the phone (seems OK because we go to the same school, but really its not. especially not after he used to call me everyday for 2 months). i just get upset over things he doesn't do which might strike me as "controlling" but really, the last thing i wanted to be is to be a smothering girlfriend.

so yeah im now taking a break from him. I have purposefully ignored him for 3 days in a roll, make sure we don't bump into each other at school... its really hard on me when everything at school reminds me of him. I know i can't go on like this forever by ignoring things, but this is the only thing i can do right now. i need to figure out how i feel without him, what i want, and space. maybe im hoping he'd get on his knees and beg for me to come back? doubtful chance, and also if it was possible, i don't know if i want him back. i would if he was the old boyfriend i used to know, but the way he is now, thinking he's all that and im just someone to be there whenever he has the time... well not good enough for me.

it's very very hard for me right now. im just trying to be strong. good luck to you to, and your therapist is right, take some time away from him is a good idea. go out to the movies, read a book, get a massage, hang out with your girlfriends. show him that you don't need him to be happy. unfortunately for me that doesn't seem to have any effect on my BF. he is still self-centered whether im busy or not. so im just going to "disappear" and give us both time to re-evaluate this situation before i make up my mind. if i stayed near him, he would make the illusion that everything would be ok - but i know he'd just go back to his old patterns in no time. no. things are not ok, won't change over night, and might as well not stick around though it if im all alone.

break my heart once, shame on him

break my heart twice, shame on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
In reply to: melody127
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:40am
Hi again...

Gosh... the situations that we both have just sound duplicate..... maybe you are dating my boyfriend..lol..

Well for an update.... I have not been calling.... And for me, it's hard also to just not have him around in my life. I openned myself up to this person after I thought that I would never be able to do it again. I ended a 2 year relationship badly... But anyways, I text him yesterday on the phone saying that I hoped he was having a good day at work... He text back saying he was cold or something. I text him back with "miss ya" which I thought was a mistake.... he didn't respond to that one.... He went online later to chat and then called me while he was working at night. The conversation was good... he was telling me about what he was doing at work and stuff like that.... being like he usually is... This morning he was working near me.. He drives a truck.. and he passed and honked while I was waiting for the bus to go to work... I work in the city... He seemed ok.... I don't know... Something just to me doesn't feel right and it might be the same thing as what you said.... You would get mad at things that he wouldn't do...When my boyfriend cancels on me to work or doesn't see me as much.. when he doesn't say nice things in return... I get upset... frustrated and I over think about it and wonder about it... I haven't heard "i love you" in a few days and I know that no matter what... it shouldn't be a game to say that word... but it's like I want to hear him say it rather than me always texting him telling him that I miss him and stuff.... I try to talk to him about things.... but I think that annoys him more... he gets defensive and I think that he's insecure. I don't know what to do myself. HIs birthday is on Friday.... do I get him a gift... or no... or what?? I don't know... I am confused with the way that I feel. Usually I would be the one to initiate hanging out... telling him that I want to see him.... Now I am waiting for him to... and I feel the same.... I feel like I am only there for when it is convenient for him to see me... not the way a "inlove" couple should be....

I think what you are doing is good.... give it time to see how you feel.... What do you think about everything?

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