is it over?
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| Sat, 03-13-2004 - 7:44pm |
we did end up getting back together, but that was only after a couple days of breaking up. but things were never really the same after that. he would hang out with me, be super nice, then he'd be gone and leave me hanging, as if he's burnt out. after valentine's day, he did not call for 2 weeks. then we had a talk, and he made an effort to spend more time with me, and so he was sweet for about a week. it was a good week, then this week again, he didn't call. i see him at school, he acts fine at school, but out side of school he shows no concern for me. i feel like sometimes he's only doing enough to get by, and it's not fulfilling.
today his friend and i were talking about going out to dinner with a bunch people. his friend wanted to bring him along because he is trying to help us out. well he got on the phone, i asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner cuz we've been planning, he said he didn't have enough money and he didn't care if i had money or his friend did, he didn't want anyone to spend money on him. i knew this was never an issue before. we always go out together and pay for each other. i can tell by his tone that he wasn't thrilled to hear from me. i asked him if he really didn't want people to pay for him, or he just didn't want to see me. well he didn't say anything else and handed the phone to his friend.
that hurt so bad. he couldn't answer and had to let his friend do it! i thought i was the girl he loved so much and couldn't live without, one of his best friends. i mean, i hate to be one of those smothering, controlling GF, but he's got me on this emotinal rollercoaster, up one week, down another week, making me insecure. i love him, but i can't go on like this, with him always pulling away after being close to me. this is the 3rd time he's done it silently. he doesn't do anything wrong; he just does things for a while thinking it'd "keep me happy" then he's gone.
i've been thinking it's over and been wanting to tell him how i feel. of course i was upset, and i wanted to calm down and rethink that decision. but then again, i've contemplated with this idea before. do you think it's the right time that i tell him we should take a break? is this acceptable that your BF find excuses not to hang out with you and refuse to talk to you or reassure you of his feellings?
how can you pull away, get closer, never sure, if you say you want to be with someone? i don't think he knows what he wants.

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oh the update, i've ignored him for 3 and half days. i would've gone longer... but then today the "plan" was broken. i bumped into him in the hallway, he was all dressed up for a game and i was like "you look nice" gave him a smile and walked away. he was smiling the entire time, he slowed down his pace, maybe wanting to talk, but i didn't want to. i was kinda freaked out... i wanted to protect myself by closing myself in... but here he comes. I KNEW this would happen. i thought i had everything planned out, im gonna ignore him and then if its over, im moving on. but its sooo much more complicated than that. when i feel him near me i just feel like i could never leave him. i love too him right now i don't know if i should just break up or give it another chance.
we need to have a talk. which is like another chance... i guess. but who knows what the talk would lead to?
later on i waited for him after class, and we walked together... but with this distance b/t us. i wish he could realize how much he's hurt me and apologize, yet i know i hurt him too by purposefully ignoring him. this is not healthy, but before i wanted to just get away, now im thinking about staying and give us another chance. is it acceptable if the both of us try to fix this?
just a thought though. some part of me tells me that i should really move on. thats what all my friends say too. well, have you talked to your friends about it?
Edited 3/17/2004 8:00 pm ET ET by melody127
I am guessing from your story that you are in high school....right? I am 26 so I am done with college and all that stuff.. working in NYC... My mind set is a little different. I am looking for someone to start a life together with... You are so young! Enjoy your youth.... you shouldn't be having problems like this when in high school or college! You should be having fun....! :) But then again, guys are so immature at that stage... After really thinking about your situation, I think that you should either, a) seriously sit down and try to have an adult conversation with this guy or b) just move on but give it some closure... because I'll tell you from experience... if he is the one to tell you he doesn't want to see you anymore, it will hurt your ego...and best not to let that happen. Is this your first??? Is there a strong emotional attachment with him?? It's also hard...school relationships because then you have to put up with everyone talking and whatever else.... But you still have your friends and are able to lean on them... If this guy is unwilling to sit and talk to you about this situation, then he is not worth it... COmmunication is an ideal part of a relationship.. you both need to be comfortable talking to each other.
My boyfriend is getting a bit better with the communication... His own personal problem is that he's insecure.. He may come off with a tough guy appearance and even talk like he doesn't give a s*** but I think that deep down inside he is very insecure in himself.... If I try and talk to him about our relationship when the times are bad, he gets defensive instead of listening to me and being communicative....which is not good... and that whole thing I explained in previous emails, that's a whole jealous/insecurity thing right there.. don't you think?
I think that we both have a lot of thinking to do....But like I said... you are young.. You should be enjoying yourself... dating and having fun... not worrying about some guy and playing a hide and seek game.... I know it's hard sweety... but this is why you NEED to talk to him!
Write back when you have a chance .. let me know what you think about my situation!
yes i am in high school. and yes we've tried to communicate but i guess thats where the problem lies. after valentine's day he didn't call for two weeks, though we saw each other at school it just didn't feel the same to me. (this is after we broke up got back together, thought we'd gone through all the drama, but here he comes again giving me this emotional distance crap). so we had a talk and he said he would try to pay more attention to the little things (ex. calling and holding hands, etc) and i said i would try to let the little things go, don't get mad at every thing.
we had a wonderful week where we talked on the phone almost every night, and he hung out with me friday and saturday. sunday we made plans, but he stood me up. thats when i knew he was "gone" again. it used to be that i could feel it whenever he was about to show up at my door step, now it's like i get this feeling whenever he was about to pull away. and sure enough i was right, he didn't call for the next week, and when i called i got this very nonchalant attitude where he'd rather go "chill" by himself. it's ok, i forgave him for all that. then saturday comes, where i asked him a vulnerable question and he asnwered my doubts by saying nothing at all and handing the phone to someone else. that hurt me so bad, i didn't want to deal with it so i ignored him for a couple days. not because i didn't love him, but because i didn't like him at that moment. i thought he owned me an apology even though it was a misunderstanding on that part.
but i gave in again, i started seeing him at school again cuz i thought i couldn't keep on ignoring him forever. but it just felt so different at school, we talked feet apart, awkward... and today he walked to his friend's lockers area and never reappeared. i left.
i really think it's over. he doesn't even seem like the same person, and we've gone through this already. though we haven't had the BIG TALK regarding to recent issues, i just don't think it'll make much difference. things'll go back to this up-and-down pattern in no time even after the talk. part of me says i should give it one more chance, have a REAL talk, see what happens. but the better part of me is telling me that don't force it, if he loved me so he would've called and would've wanted to spend his times with me, instead of holding grudges even when i tried to talk to him (after i stopped ignoring him), and distancing himself from me. i should just let things run its course and enjoy my life. i know i've made mistake by ignoring him and probably hurting him to make him defensive, but he hurt my feelings first. then i showed him a chance by stop ignoring him, but he didn't get it, or doesn't care.
i guess we will have the talk, at least get my feelings out, before i call it off. i don't think he's a bad person, but i think he just made a commitment he's not ready for, he can't handle me but still wants to keep me, for one benefit or the other.
just hope you could find the courage to get what you want. it's really all or nothing... love can't compromise itself if it's not reciprocal.
I think you are right he doesn't know, and you shouldn't suffer because of it. I'm sure you are a great girl and deserve so much better. Let him figure whatever he needs to figure out and maybe while he's doing that, you'll figure out that this is not what you want anyway. You know? If things are meant to be they will be. No need to put yourself through anymore pain because somebody else is unsure of himself. Best of luck sweetie!
schiele314
I went to my bf's house on Friday night... It was his b-day... Had a good time and he was his loving self... It's like when we are together he is fine and then when we are like during the week just talking on the phone is when he has the attitude.. My last relationship.... my ex would call me a few times a day to say hi or that he was thinking of me.. would send me texts... just little things that made me feel good.. you know. After Friday I didn't see him for the rest of the weekend.... and who knows about this week. We both have crazy schedules... I have stuff planned this weekend and I asked him if he had an dj parties to do because he djs on the side... He said no... but "i might go away"... he rides a bike so he may go biking with the "guys" to some bike show.... This annoyed me because we rarely do anything together.... like go out and do things.. His free weekend and he's going to this bike thing rather than having something special with me... ??? Just like your situation, I don't think that this guy is ready to take on the responsabilities of a relationship.. I mean, you are in a relationship... with someone you love.. I would think your time would be most dedicated to that person rather than seeing them once a week. Something like this makes me upset....but whatever...I didn't get him anything for his b-day and told him that I was going to order him one of those IPOD things... Well, it's going to take like 3 weeks... when I told him that I made a comment and said, "if we break up before then, then I'll keep it because i want one".... he was like, "why... are you thinking about breaking up with me"... I told him that I thought about it.. and he got all defensive... Who knows what's going to happen. I"m confused.. It's like I want to be with him, but I don't... you know... I don't know..lol..
well i was going to break it off on the phone, since im still in love with this guy and i can't do it in person, because he sends me this mixed signal that everything's going to be ok with his presence. i have asked him to speak to me on the phone but he "didn't have time". he was trying to pack at the same time so he said we should talk on the internet. i couldn't drag it out forever so i told him how i felt, basically what i've told you guys, and then i told him we should break up and figure out stuff on our own. he didn't say much but agreed to what i said. i guess thats both bad and good. its bad because he obviously wasn't devastated, maybe he didn't care all that much. it's good because he probably saw it coming, was prepared, so i didn't have to feel guilty for doing this. i told him i didn't want it to be weird b/t us, he said we are not together but we are still friends.
i thought i was ok with the "just friends" thing, because its hard to imagine someone you love OUT of your life. but today i saw him at school and it's like i feel bad when i could talk to him but i can't, but i feel bad too when i talk to him and everything's not the same as before. part of me want to run away from him as far as possible, not looking at him makes me feel less vulnerable, but the other part of me still want to touch his arm when saying goodbye, even though it might feel like it would bring me comfort - it doesnt. all i know is that he's gone, and i just had to let him go. now im not even sure if i should be a close friend. i think im gonna have to save my own sanity by being away from him. that'll give him time and space to figure things out too. it's like i want him back but i don't. the only way it could ever happen is if we both know exactly what we want. i guess time will tell if this is meant to be.
and it's hard because if some girl start talking to him i go crazy inside.
and yes i actually initiated the break up. it was driving me nuts and decided it's not fair to me. anyway... anh advices on how to live for my OWN happiness would be appreciated. im glad in some degree that im doing this for myself, to be happy and independent, but im sad he's gone. like my best friend of 9 months just disappeared.
and thanks for everyone's comments.
hey maybe you should talk to your boyfriend and ask him, tell him exactly how you feel. try to communicate this, at a time he seem loving and open. i've learned from experience that even though sometimes it's hard to say everything you want to say, it's still a lot harder to keep the bad feelings inside because then you just build resentment. if you don't really know if you want to be with him or not, being with him is not going to help. take a few days off. all i know is i don't wanna be with someone unless i know for sure thsi is what i want, and what he wants as well.
Edited 3/22/2004 4:03 pm ET ET by melody127
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