it this possible??
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it this possible??
| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 7:46pm |
hi, i just needed a little advice about love. I just broke up with my boyfriend of several months. He is very stubborn and doesn't ever want to compromise. I tell him thati would like him to tell me how he feels but instead, he blocks me out. for months i have been going out of my way showing him how much i love him. but it seems to fall by the wayside. he hardly takes me out, and he is not very supportive. i tell him what i need in this relationship, he says that because i demand it he doesn't want to do it, he has become very sarcastic, and the only time he shapes up is when i am going to leave. I have become very angry with him, because for few months in the relationship he only seemed to come around for sex, then we did start going out seldomly again ( after i cried and complain). I would curse him out and try to hurt like he hurt me. Our relationship, for a short time became unhealthy. I broke it off. Then he started being nice, and showing more affection, thing got better and I took him back give him another chane and he changes back to the same uncoopertive person he has been most of our relationship. He says it is because he has been hurt and it is hard for him to open up and trust. and he doesn't want to be told what to do, but do nice and romanitic things on his own. Today i broke with him and today he says i love you. i really care for him, but i know i can't change him or mend his heart. This current situation doesn't work. but I feel so stupid saying this, but it is possible that if i give it time, time away from each other, that he will truly shape up and realize what we have, do you guys think it is possible that in the furture thiiings can work wiht us?? please give some advice. thanks

A person doesn't change their patterns unless they truly decide to and go and work with an objective professional therapist or counsellor. Change takes time, committment, hard work and the willingness to really look at yourself. It sounds as though your ex does not have that desire. I would not hold out hope for him to change. It is always a mistake to hang around waiting some miraculous change will happen. You did the right thing to leave this relationship, which bordered on being abusive for you. Certainly it did not give you what you needed and wanted. Rather than staying and engaging in a struggle and being constantly disappointed, it's best to face the truth of who this person is, what he is capable of and then moving forward in your life so you can find someone who is ready for a relationship, who is giving and who wants to work on issues.
Sometimes a woman also has a pattern of attracting guys to her who treat her poorly. It would be useful for you to also take a look at yourself, what your relationship history has been, what you feel you truly deserve and how you get your needs met. I recommend you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love for a full discussion of love and relationships, including wonderful exercises to do.
All good wishes.
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