Is it possible to regain trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Is it possible to regain trust?
6
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:47am
I have been married for just over six months now (this is my second marriage). My first marriage ended because my ex-husband became an alcoholic and drug-addict shortly after I had my daughter, and I left him because I didn't want to raise her in that environment. My current husband is well-aware of the issues I have in trusting people, due to the lies and deceit I suffered during my first marriage. However, he has lied to me about major things from the beginning of our relationship. He cheated on me early in our relationship, and lied to cover it up for the first year we were together, but I eventually found out about it (he also continued to communicate with the other woman during this period of lying in our first year together). He was unable to see the other woman because she lives in another country, but he still had romantic conversations with her on the phone and through emails. When I found out and ended our relationship, he was so devastated and cried, and said that he was really sorry for betraying my trust. After much begging and persuasion, I decided to give him another chance. We dated for another year, and aside from catching him telling a few white lies, he seemed to be more honest with me. I really felt that he had learned his lesson from his earlier betrayal, so when he asked me to marry him, I accepted on the condition that he form a close relationship with my daughter (she has no contact with her biological father, and I had prevented her from meeting my current husband until we were engaged, because I didn't want her to develop any attachment to him if he wasn't going to be in it for the long haul). They seemed to hit it off, and he appeared to care for her as if she were his own child (which was one of my conditions). About a month before we got married in March (this year), I began to discover that he had been lying about his finances and spending habits (he had been gambling and spending $40 a month on an internet porno website for over a year). He had always complained of being broke, so I was furious when I found out that he was hiding these expenditures from me. He was even having his mail sent to a PO Box to avoid having me find out about this! (We lived together for about nine months before we married). I wanted to cancel the wedding, but my daughter was so attached to him at this point and I didn't want to hurt or confuse her by cancelling the wedding, so I married him.

Since our wedding, I have discovered more examples of how deceitful he is. To summarize, he keeps up a false pretense of who he is to avoid upsetting or disappointing me, but his true intentions always become apparent at some point. I once believed that he loved my daughter unconditionally, but on two occasions he has ignored her and shut her out when we were not getting along, which leads me to believe that he doesn't really love her. He has pretended to have sincere and noble intentions in doing nice things for my parents (they are incredibly generous and have gone out of their way to help us out), but he is very good at manipulating the situation to get out of actually following through. Here is one example: We were going to have dinner with my parents and relatives from out of town, and he asked me if we should chip in for the cost of dinner. I told him that was a great idea, and he said that he would get cash to take care of it. After my father had paid for the bill, he asked my father, "Would you like me to chip in for our portion of the cost?" My dad, who is very generous and happy to treat us, told him that that wouldn't be necessary, and thanked him. I quickly saw this as my husband's way of weaseling out of chipping in, and when I confronted him about it later, he admitted that he actually had no intention of chipping in. When I asked him why he had even suggested it in the first place, he said he did it because he didn't want to disappoint me by being cheap, especially since my parents are so generous. This is one example of many in which my husband manipulates situations to put himself in a favorable light.

When we discuss these issues, my husband reacts defensively, but eventually acknowledges that he has many issues to address. Our arguments always end with him saying that he's sorry, and that he's trying to change, but it never seems to happen. I just don't know if I can ever trust him again, and I'm not even sure if I want to try anymore. We haven't had sex in almost six months, and I avoid spending time with him, because I'm tired of fighting and being disappointed. Every time we talk about how we can make things better, I feel exhausted and hopeless. Is it possible to regain trust that has been broken over and over? How will I know if he's really going to change? I'm afraid that I'm wasting my time with him, and every day that goes by, I worry that my daughter is getting more attached to him. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to stay in a relationship that has no future. I would appreciate any advice or opinion, and if you need more specific examples or information, please email me, and I will be happy to answer any questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 7:50am
jasmia...

Pianoguy ISN'T going to defend your husband's actions....since you've already indicated several instances where he loused things up! HOWEVER...

Due to the fact that you had a bad first marriage and there have been several situations with your current husband that have made you miserable, it's probably going to be difficult for you to wipe the slate clean and TRY AGAIN. When a woman (or a man) is looking for a flaw in another person, it's easy to find one...no matter if it's significant or not. If you re-read your post, it's clear that just about anything your husband does BOTHERS YOU in some way.

And while you might still have a few feelings (deep down inside) for him, I honestly think that HIS FLAWS---that you described in detail---will continue to "override" anything GOOD about the man! Moreover, any changes that he might make wouldn't be enough to please you.

Although you've succeeded in "keeping your distance" from your husband--without any sex or even spending time together, it's interesting that your daughter wants to "get closer" to him! I wonder if she sees a side of him that you don't...or possibly, can't?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:26pm
Thank you for your candid response. I would like the male perspective on my husband's behavior - would you say that his issues with honesty and respect are significant, or do you think I am "hyperfocusing" on his flaws? Why do you think he has these issues (what do his flaws say about the type of person he is?) I know that my first marriage plays a significant part in my expectations and standards in this marriage, but I also don't see how a loving and considerate relationship can be formed when there is no foundation of honesty or respect. I am trying to focus on his good qualities, but it is a constant struggle, one that I frequently fail in succeeding at. Do you think that it is too late for me to turn things around and feel close to him again? My daughter loves him, but she is also only six years old, and oblivious to the problems that we have in our relationship. I feel that she is too young to understand what it takes to have a successful relationship; therefore, I hesitate to put too much significance in her feelings for him.

Thanks!

Jasmia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:01pm
Hi Jasmia,

While I agree with pianoguy, I would like to add that even if you have trust issues from what happened in your first marriage, I would think that your husband has show repeatedly that he's a liar and he cheated on you before marriage. He's been able to continue to 'get away' with being deceitful. Since you have now experienced two husbands lying to you, hiding things about the way they operate (other relationships, lies, financial issues, etc).

:: My current husband is well-aware of the issues I have in trusting people, due to the lies and deceit I suffered during my first marriage. However, he has lied to me about major things from the beginning of our relationship. He cheated on me early in our relationship, and lied to cover it up for the first year we were together, but I eventually found out about it (he also continued to communicate with the other woman during this period of lying in our first year together). He was unable to see the other woman because she lives in another country, but he still had romantic conversations with her on the phone and through emails. When I found out and ended our relationship, he was so devastated and cried, and said that he was really sorry for betraying my trust. After much begging and persuasion, I decided to give him another chance.

I will say at this point that your husband had a pre-disposition to lying and cheating, or because of your past thought you were an easy mark and didn't have to be honest with you. You left him, but it doesn't sound as if counseling was a prequisite to getting back together and it should have been. I mean, he betrayed you and without much effort on his part (a few pleads and tears) you took him back. You made it so easy for him to lie again.

::About a month before we got married in March (this year), I began to discover that he had been lying about his finances and spending habits (he had been gambling and spending $40 a month on an internet porno website for over a year). He had always complained of being broke, so I was furious when I found out that he was hiding these expenditures from me. He was even having his mail sent to a PO Box to avoid having me find out about this!

Hon, this man is leading a double life and this is the second man you have drawn into your life that has addiction issues - first one with drug, this one with gambling and porn.

:: I wanted to cancel the wedding, but my daughter was so attached to him at this point and I didn't want to hurt or confuse her by cancelling the wedding, so I married him.

So basically, you didn't listen to your gut feeling. Are you unsure of your abilities to see the truth for what it is? Or afraid of something else? Like being alone? Being judged a failure at another ended relationship? I mean this only as a soul searching exercise for yourself.

::but on two occasions he has ignored her and shut her out when we were not getting along, which leads me to believe that he doesn't really love her. He has pretended to have sincere and noble intentions in doing nice things for my parents (they are incredibly generous and have gone out of their way to help us out), but he is very good at manipulating the situation to get out of actually following through.

So not only does he lie, cheat, but he's emotionally abusive to your daughter, punishes her when he's got issues with you, hmm passive/agressive? AND he's manipulative.

::When we discuss these issues, my husband reacts defensively, but eventually acknowledges that he has many issues to address. Our arguments always end with him saying that he's sorry, and that he's trying to change, but it never seems to happen. I just don't know if I can ever trust him again, and I'm not even sure if I want to try anymore.

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. And for you, individual counseling, you need to figure out why you draw in these types of men and why you stay to try to heal it, instead of just avoiding them all together.

My best to you on your path of self-discovery.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 7:32am

huge huge hugs honey! i am sorry for your pain and i am sorry but i tend to agree with itwinflame... while it may be possible that you have "trust issues" - it sounds to me like this is NOT about "trust issues" but rather a pattern in your life. and i agree with itwinflame - that until YOU get to the bottom of this through therapy, this is going t be an ongoing pattern in your life. I knw, because i have done this too. i married two abusive men. and they were different, and i was soooo *sure* with my second husband that he was DIFFERENT - but he wasn't, oh sure his style of abuse was different, but he is abusive. and like you - i totally refused to acknowledge ANY red flags - even tho they were waving like crazy in front of my face. and like you - i had the added issue of my son from my first marriage - who "wanted " to have a "daddy" like everyone else (his bio-dad is not in his life), but my son ended up paying a very high price and was extremely emotionally abused by my second husband (now my ex, thank God!)


<<>> honey - this is not going to happen. you see - YOU are the one who continues to be with him, in spite of everything. so wht he does is this: first he acts defensively so that you will back off. then he "admits" to having problems - he doesn't really think he has problems but he is saying what he knows you wnat to hear so you will back off. and then he says sorry -but he is not really apologzing.


only you can decide where you want to go from here. YOU know what and who he is and its up to you to decide what you want. don't put the weight of this decision on your dd's shoulders - this is YOUR decision, especially when you say <<<My first marriage ended because my ex-husband became an alcoholic and drug-addict shortly after I had my daughter, and I left him because I didn't want to raise her in that environment>>> because here you are raising her in this kind of environment....


good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 3:05am
First, you said you went ahead and married him, even though you had serious doubts, because of your daughter's growing attatchment to him. Then you say she is too yound to understand what's really going on, so you can't put too much significance on her attachment to him. Well, it seems to me like this marriage was doomed from the start mainly because you didn't marry him because you wanted to, because you were in love with him, because you needed him to be a part of your life forever. You did it so that your daughter wouldn't be hurt if he were not a part of her life anymore. The only thing is that now, she even more attached and would be even more hurt if you kicked him out of your lives. See, you seem to have unreasonable expectations and a very inflexible character. He loves you but doesn't feel able to please you because you are too critical. We are all only human, even you make mistakes like the one you made marrying him. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:27am
Thank you itwinflame and sk1960 for your compassionate and sincere responses. I have actually given much thought to your advice on discovering why I seem to be drawn to men that suffer from addiction, and I am going to get counseling to delve deeper. I have had a couple of very serious discussions with my husband, and he says that while he doesn't think that counseling is necessary at this point, he will consider it if he is unsuccessful in making changes on his own. I have also realized that I am not in love with him anymore and this is causing me to be overly critical of his flaws. I think that my experience from my first marriage has had a severe impact on my ability to forgive betrayal, and that I have fallen out of love with my husband because he has continued to lie to and deceive me. It greatly saddens me to realize that although I once loved him so much, those feelings are gone now. I also think that I am afraid to trust my gut feelings, and that's why I proceeded in marrying him. But since I am married to him, I want to try and exhaust all resources before I call it quits. I think I owe at least that much to him, myself, and my daughter. While I'm not optimistic that our relationship will endure, I want to know that I did everything in my power to determine if it is truly over. I thank you for your advice, and I will keep you posted on what develops.