Is it possible to regain trust?
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| Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:47am |
Since our wedding, I have discovered more examples of how deceitful he is. To summarize, he keeps up a false pretense of who he is to avoid upsetting or disappointing me, but his true intentions always become apparent at some point. I once believed that he loved my daughter unconditionally, but on two occasions he has ignored her and shut her out when we were not getting along, which leads me to believe that he doesn't really love her. He has pretended to have sincere and noble intentions in doing nice things for my parents (they are incredibly generous and have gone out of their way to help us out), but he is very good at manipulating the situation to get out of actually following through. Here is one example: We were going to have dinner with my parents and relatives from out of town, and he asked me if we should chip in for the cost of dinner. I told him that was a great idea, and he said that he would get cash to take care of it. After my father had paid for the bill, he asked my father, "Would you like me to chip in for our portion of the cost?" My dad, who is very generous and happy to treat us, told him that that wouldn't be necessary, and thanked him. I quickly saw this as my husband's way of weaseling out of chipping in, and when I confronted him about it later, he admitted that he actually had no intention of chipping in. When I asked him why he had even suggested it in the first place, he said he did it because he didn't want to disappoint me by being cheap, especially since my parents are so generous. This is one example of many in which my husband manipulates situations to put himself in a favorable light.
When we discuss these issues, my husband reacts defensively, but eventually acknowledges that he has many issues to address. Our arguments always end with him saying that he's sorry, and that he's trying to change, but it never seems to happen. I just don't know if I can ever trust him again, and I'm not even sure if I want to try anymore. We haven't had sex in almost six months, and I avoid spending time with him, because I'm tired of fighting and being disappointed. Every time we talk about how we can make things better, I feel exhausted and hopeless. Is it possible to regain trust that has been broken over and over? How will I know if he's really going to change? I'm afraid that I'm wasting my time with him, and every day that goes by, I worry that my daughter is getting more attached to him. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to stay in a relationship that has no future. I would appreciate any advice or opinion, and if you need more specific examples or information, please email me, and I will be happy to answer any questions.

Pianoguy ISN'T going to defend your husband's actions....since you've already indicated several instances where he loused things up! HOWEVER...
Due to the fact that you had a bad first marriage and there have been several situations with your current husband that have made you miserable, it's probably going to be difficult for you to wipe the slate clean and TRY AGAIN. When a woman (or a man) is looking for a flaw in another person, it's easy to find one...no matter if it's significant or not. If you re-read your post, it's clear that just about anything your husband does BOTHERS YOU in some way.
And while you might still have a few feelings (deep down inside) for him, I honestly think that HIS FLAWS---that you described in detail---will continue to "override" anything GOOD about the man! Moreover, any changes that he might make wouldn't be enough to please you.
Although you've succeeded in "keeping your distance" from your husband--without any sex or even spending time together, it's interesting that your daughter wants to "get closer" to him! I wonder if she sees a side of him that you don't...or possibly, can't?
Pianoguy
Thanks!
Jasmia
While I agree with pianoguy, I would like to add that even if you have trust issues from what happened in your first marriage, I would think that your husband has show repeatedly that he's a liar and he cheated on you before marriage. He's been able to continue to 'get away' with being deceitful. Since you have now experienced two husbands lying to you, hiding things about the way they operate (other relationships, lies, financial issues, etc).
:: My current husband is well-aware of the issues I have in trusting people, due to the lies and deceit I suffered during my first marriage. However, he has lied to me about major things from the beginning of our relationship. He cheated on me early in our relationship, and lied to cover it up for the first year we were together, but I eventually found out about it (he also continued to communicate with the other woman during this period of lying in our first year together). He was unable to see the other woman because she lives in another country, but he still had romantic conversations with her on the phone and through emails. When I found out and ended our relationship, he was so devastated and cried, and said that he was really sorry for betraying my trust. After much begging and persuasion, I decided to give him another chance.
I will say at this point that your husband had a pre-disposition to lying and cheating, or because of your past thought you were an easy mark and didn't have to be honest with you. You left him, but it doesn't sound as if counseling was a prequisite to getting back together and it should have been. I mean, he betrayed you and without much effort on his part (a few pleads and tears) you took him back. You made it so easy for him to lie again.
::About a month before we got married in March (this year), I began to discover that he had been lying about his finances and spending habits (he had been gambling and spending $40 a month on an internet porno website for over a year). He had always complained of being broke, so I was furious when I found out that he was hiding these expenditures from me. He was even having his mail sent to a PO Box to avoid having me find out about this!
Hon, this man is leading a double life and this is the second man you have drawn into your life that has addiction issues - first one with drug, this one with gambling and porn.
:: I wanted to cancel the wedding, but my daughter was so attached to him at this point and I didn't want to hurt or confuse her by cancelling the wedding, so I married him.
So basically, you didn't listen to your gut feeling. Are you unsure of your abilities to see the truth for what it is? Or afraid of something else? Like being alone? Being judged a failure at another ended relationship? I mean this only as a soul searching exercise for yourself.
::but on two occasions he has ignored her and shut her out when we were not getting along, which leads me to believe that he doesn't really love her. He has pretended to have sincere and noble intentions in doing nice things for my parents (they are incredibly generous and have gone out of their way to help us out), but he is very good at manipulating the situation to get out of actually following through.
So not only does he lie, cheat, but he's emotionally abusive to your daughter, punishes her when he's got issues with you, hmm passive/agressive? AND he's manipulative.
::When we discuss these issues, my husband reacts defensively, but eventually acknowledges that he has many issues to address. Our arguments always end with him saying that he's sorry, and that he's trying to change, but it never seems to happen. I just don't know if I can ever trust him again, and I'm not even sure if I want to try anymore.
I strongly suggest marriage counseling. And for you, individual counseling, you need to figure out why you draw in these types of men and why you stay to try to heal it, instead of just avoiding them all together.
My best to you on your path of self-discovery.
Carrie
huge huge hugs honey! i am sorry for your pain and i am sorry but i tend to agree with itwinflame... while it may be possible that you have "trust issues" - it sounds to me like this is NOT about "trust issues" but rather a pattern in your life. and i agree with itwinflame - that until YOU get to the bottom of this through therapy, this is going t be an ongoing pattern in your life. I knw, because i have done this too. i married two abusive men. and they were different, and i was soooo *sure* with my second husband that he was DIFFERENT - but he wasn't, oh sure his style of abuse was different, but he is abusive. and like you - i totally refused to acknowledge ANY red flags - even tho they were waving like crazy in front of my face. and like you - i had the added issue of my son from my first marriage - who "wanted " to have a "daddy" like everyone else (his bio-dad is not in his life), but my son ended up paying a very high price and was extremely emotionally abused by my second husband (now my ex, thank God!)
<<>> honey - this is not going to happen. you see - YOU are the one who continues to be with him, in spite of everything. so wht he does is this: first he acts defensively so that you will back off. then he "admits" to having problems - he doesn't really think he has problems but he is saying what he knows you wnat to hear so you will back off. and then he says sorry -but he is not really apologzing.
only you can decide where you want to go from here. YOU know what and who he is and its up to you to decide what you want. don't put the weight of this decision on your dd's shoulders - this is YOUR decision, especially when you say <<<My first marriage ended because my ex-husband became an alcoholic and drug-addict shortly after I had my daughter, and I left him because I didn't want to raise her in that environment>>> because here you are raising her in this kind of environment....
good luck.