is it still worth it?
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is it still worth it?
| Thu, 11-22-2007 - 10:01pm |
this is the first time i'm ever consulting about this, but i'm really confused. i've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and he also moved in with me about 6 months ago. things have been quite rocky since he's moved in, but we've gone past them each time yet i'm not really sure if he's really past those moments...whatever they are. i have never cheated of any sort, and neither has he (at least none that i'm aware of). but my problem is that i feel he tends to go back and forth with me...he loves me, then suddenly he's not sure if he wants to get married. now he talks of not living a long life, jokingly of course...but i'm not sure if he's really joking about that...says how life is just s.h.i.t.t.y. now, it's "i'm not sure if i want to have kids" ... ummm...WTF?!?! He's 33, and I'm 28. We've talked of marriage and having kids, and how I want to have them by the time I'm 30. Then he utters that he's bored or that he must be bored of the relationship. Hmmm...it's not like he's all that super exciting anyway, but i believe it takes two to make it spark again...and i try. The dude won't even have sex with me!!! WTF is up with that?!? It's not like I'm not an attractive woman. He says that he's not your typical guy who constantly wants to have sex all the time. Weird, if you ask me. But whatever. I guess, I'm just really confused because one minute, he loves me and is all sweet to me and talks of a future w/ me, and the next minute its he still loves me, but he doesn't want to have kids or as he says: "maybe i'm meant to be single" and then says "i am who i am." Grrrr...it's so frustrating because it makes me feel that we're NOT on the same page at all. It's like "I love you and I want to build a future with you and have a family" and the flip side of "I still love you, and might want to have a future with you...not so sure...and not sure about having a family...family sucks." WHAT THE F&*K IS THAT SH*T?!?! So am I wasting my time here?!? Is it still worth sticking around?? I'm not getting any younger here and neither is he. I'm crushed b/c I have no clue what to do. What makes it a bit harder is that his family seems to love me ... his mother thought he proposed to me a few days ago on my bday...ha! what a joke. Does anyone out there understand where i'm coming from?? Am I crazy?? Is he just not ready? commitment phobic? Should I kick him to the curb?? I love the guy even when he pisses me off like this, but I also will not settle for less... So is it still worth it??

I would have to say that if you want to have children by the time you're 30, a relationship with a man who won't have sex with you is not the way to go.
The real question is what in the world are you still doing with him? You say he doesn't have sex with you - so what kind of relationship is this? He's playing with your head (and his own). He goes back and forth and that's enough to drive anyone crazy. He's very confused obviously, and he's creating that confusion in you.
Clearly, even though he says he loves you, and in fact may have those feelings from time to time, he's much too confused and conflicted to be counted on for a healthy relationship. He can't committ and also the two of you are not intimate. So, what's the reason you are there? Blind hope? Because he sugar talks you once in awhile?
You're wasting your time. You're also playing with your heart and all of this can lead to quite a bit of upset. If you truly want to find a husband and be married and have children, move on. Get some therapy in understanding why you stayed so long, feel good about yourself, and find someone who wants what you do and is ready for love.
Best wishes,
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Welcome to the board sweetmellie,
Oh boy.
He needs to re-read the book. Chapman says that all five love languages are important in a strong relationship, and he's not supposed to practice HIS love language, he's supposed to practice YOURS.
Of course, reading a book is not going to affect his basic mindset, which is NO to commitment, marriage, and family. I think the best of Carrie's book choices for you would be the de Angelis book, because from over here it really doesn't seem as if he's the one for you.
Edited 11/24/2007 7:42 am ET by geoteo