It used to be perfect
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It used to be perfect
| Mon, 06-07-2004 - 5:59pm |
Here goes...I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, and the first few months seemed like they were out of a movie. We spent every day of our summer together and had a great time getting to know each other. Once school started (I'm in college, he's in grad school) we still spent time together on the weekends and we'd at least talk to each other everyday. It seemed great and everyone kept saying how perfect we were together. However, for the past few months, it hasn't felt as such. I know that the first few months is the honeymoon period of the relationship, but he has said things to me that make me doubt what we have. One of our problems is talking about our relationship, so when he brought up a specific conversation, I was completely off guard. He asked me if I felt as if our relationship was lacking something. I agreed, but I thought it was the fact that we don't spend enough alone time together because we always hang out with friends (he doesn't like when couples are so exclusive and don't spend a lot of time with friends). He thought it was only his problem: the feelings he has for me do not match up with the person I am. He told me that he can imagine marrying me and growing old with me, but he doesn't have intense feelings for me; they come and go. He then went on to say that he feels as if he should be wanting to marry me so bad, but he doesn't feel this way. I reassured them that it's ok to not feel this way because he's only 23 and I'm 21. Although I can definately picture marrying him (he's all I've ever wanted and more)I am not dying to marry him today. He still doubts himself after all this and his feelings for me. His past relationship was turbulent...he fell in love with a girl freshman year of college and she would push him away and then beg to get together with him again, and he would fall for it. His feelings for her were intense even when they were not together. So I'm left now completely doubting his feelings for me. He doesn't know what it would feel like to be in love with me, even though he says he will always love me. Is he too damaged from his last relationship to not know love if it hit him in the face? He also said that he sometimes feels as if we are best friends and that's it. Does anyone think this stems from my troubles with being romantic? We haven't been on a romantic date in so long, maybe this is due to the fact that he thinks I don't like it, even though I do...it's just hard to express my feelings. I feel completely stuck; I don't want to lose him, it just doesn't feel right in my heart.

Pianoguy doesn't understand why EVERY RELATIONSHIP has to segue into marriage?
You both are in school pursuing your individual careers...and moreover..you're BOTH IN YOUR EARLY 20S! What's the freakin' rush?
You admitted that during the Summer you spent everyday together...then continued to see each other every weekend after that! Please repeat the following term:
BURN-OUT!
Maybe you saw too much of each other, made too many advanced plans and your b/f began to sense that things were moving much too quickly for him? How about taking this Summer off and give each other some space?
This doesn't mean your relationship is headed for "dead man's curve", but why not consider the other important issues in your life (including education and career)?
Don't even DISCUSS the word: "Marriage!" At least not for another year...okay?
Pianoguy
This is the time in your life to have fun! Pianoguy is right about not thinking about marriage yet, but I understand that your concerns aren't stemming from knowing if he is "the one" or not.
If he is teeter-tottering with your emotions by saying these things, of course you are going to doubt your relationship. Yes, you may be burnt out on each other, but both his and your concerns do make sense. Try spending less time together, and focusing more on yourself, your education, your goals, and your friendships.
I also CL the Relationships in Your 20s board, and a lot of women come on that board because they are trying to balance a relationship with college, career, friendships, and mostly, finding themselves. Your 20s are a period of growth, not just for you, but for everyone. We are constantly re-evaluating ourselves, our friendships, our goals...everything. Your boyfriend may just be doing this a little bit more than you.
Either take time to work on yourself right now by spending less time with him, or back-off completely and not be with him right now. Who you are right now is completely different than who you will be in a few years. Talking about marriage and true love will only give you expectations that won't be fulfilled like you have in your head. They will just be much more grand. You will know yourself more, and so will he. Just know that this is a time for constant re-evaluation. If it is hard to be with him during that time, you have to figure out if you can handle it or not.
If you want to check out Relationships in Your 20s for others that are going through similar things as you, and also for great tips on how to clear your head when you are stressed...
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlgogirl&nav=start
-amy- "CL-fiesty"