It was all my fault

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
It was all my fault
4
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 11:24pm

I admitted to my dh of almost 7 years that I had been lying about money. I had taken over the bills for our house and our business and not doing a very good job and could not get myself to tell him I was failing.
I ended up putting us in so much debt, screwing up our credit and destroying his trust in me. I came clean and told him what has been happening and that I will do anything to make this better. I have to get a job and hand over all of my credit cards, checkbooks, etc. I am fine with all that, but my question is this:
What can I do to make this better? I let him berage me with anger- he said some awful things, but I feel I deserved it. He didn't necessarily call me any names, but he said some pretty hurtful things. I am trying to keep it all in perspective.
I have my reasons for handling money like i do and I am not bringing any of that up because he deserves his time and process to work through this his own way.
I am afraid to touch him or even try to kiss him. He doesn't come near me but I feel it when we are back to back in bed that he is as sad as I am.
We have 2 small kids to consider and without them, maybe he'd be gone already, I don't know.
Any advice??

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 12:14am

Welcome to the board graceandleo,


Has he taken over the checkbook and finances?


Even if you are afraid to touch him, consider trying to hold his hand in bed at night in the dark.


Would you go to cousneling with him? Would he go to heal the betrayal he feels and rebuild the trust?




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 12:17am

The only thing you can do is take your lumps, work with his anger and frustration with you and provide him with reassurance. You betrayed his trust in you and you have to work hard to get it back. Look into getting a book or two on healthy communication and money management.

Approach him carefully and let him know you need reassurance that he is willing to work with you on this and tell him you're afraid to touch him and ask him what he needs from you right now. Your ultimate failure here was communication and trust. You have to be willing to be honest and forthright in what's going on with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:59pm

what possible reasons do you have for handling yours and his money like this?

if you haven't really come clean then there isn't really a chance to put this behind the two of you. how can he ever forgive you if he doesn't even understand why you did what you did.

counseling, for you individually to address the 'whys' and as a couple so that he can begin to forgive you instead of continueing to make you pay (pun was not intended).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 8:48pm

Hi,

I appreciate everyone's responses.
I have figured a few things out over the past few days......I figure that when I got married, I married someone I believed would take care of me- a model I came to know through my parents. My dad pays the bills and my mom took care of the house and kids. They both worked.
As soon as I got married we went into deep financial troubles from a failed business of my dh's. He became catatonic and depressed. I took over, wanted to take care of him like a good wife and our finances never got better. When we opened our business together, I was afraid to tell him how bad I really was and how much I do not know what I am doing.
He has been up and down and I shield him from things that I think will stress him out. I like peace so I didn't tell him when I had to sell my diamond earrings to pay payroll, etc.
Was all that right? Of course not. Honesty is always better.
I figure I became so resentful of being so stressed that I think I just didn't care at the end and passively aggressivly screwed it all up.
I had to tell him because we were in the hole so bad that there was no other way.
I am praying we can find our way back. I really got us in a bad place. I just want to help fix it.