it was SO great in the beginning

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
it was SO great in the beginning
3
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 3:07am
I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster, and I could really use some support right now. I have been dating a guy for 2 months and at first he complimented me quite a bit and made plans to see me and such. He made me feel great and made me fall in love with him (although I have not been able to tell him that yet). Now he just doesn't seem to be doing those things anymore. He still says nice things, but not in the same way and not as often. And he hasn't planned a date with me in weeks. Sometimes he'll just come over to watch a movie or something, and it's nice that he's comfortable with me, but I don't want to be THAT comfortable yet. But I love being with him no matter what we do.

I have been mentioning a few things that have been bothering me lately, but I just feel like I'm being "high-maintenance." I don't want to push him away, but I have needs! And it's only been 2 months. I think he might be the "one" but relationships are hard work, and I haven't been in a relationship in a few years. Any suggestions about how I can make this last while still having my needs met?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 7:52am
It sounds like your needs are to be complimented and swept off your feet and wined and dined - you didn't fall in love with his essence you fell in love with love - with feeling desired and complimented, etc and you probably moved too fast - saw him too much - because you were addicted to that high. That doesn't mean that the two of you are compatible. For now, he is done with the wining and dining and sweeping. Figure out whether you LIKE this person and why you had such a void in your life that someone could "make you" fall in love (huh???) simply by complimenting and wining and dining and being romantic - aren't you worth more - don't you want to love a man whose essence, character, integrity, etc, you love? Why not plan a date for the two of you and if he asks to come over and watch a movie suggest an alternative.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 9:33am
Don't be so quick to decide you are in love with him and that he's the one. From the way you describe what's going on, it sounds as though he was very attentive in the beginning, stirred up many feelings and fantasies in you of being loved, and then once he had you, relaxed into his natural self, which does not seem particularly thoughtful, caring or available. Some men enjoy the beginning of relationships, they like the chase and act in a certain way then. Once they "have" the woman, they no longer feel a need to give to her or be affectionate. They take her for granted. This is really a negative situation for the woman, as it is for you. You have a right to have a relationship grow, not diminish and to have your needs met. It is not high maintenance to want closeness, and to want to see things progress. Don't be so available to him. If he is not meeting you needs, respect yourself and realize that there are many other guys out there who could be much better partners for you. Let him realize that too. When you value yourself highly, then your partner will as well. (And if he doesn't, you won't spend much time with him).

Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 9:35am
Dear, the first 3-9 months of a relationship is infatuation. It's "your desire for me makes me feel so positive about me, I can't get enough of you".

That is strictly a time when impressing and pleasing the partner is the primary goal and there is very little "real life" involved in the infatuation stage.

You're at 2 months, meaning that this guy likely wasn't looking so much for an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative relationship to add a dimension to his already great life...he was looking for some satisfaction, fun, companionship, and ease in his life - on his terms, to meet his needs.

Sit down and have a talk with him. IT's the only way you'll know for sure. If he says that he's comfortable with you now and that this is how a great relationsihp is to him - he doesn't take you anywhere or do anything special he just is allowed the pleasure of your company on his terms - accept that is a great relationship to him, decide if it's a great relationship by your standards and then go from there.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com