Is it worth it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2012
Is it worth it?
10
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 10:20am

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now. I have never met someone with which I am so compatible. He is my best friend, and we do everything together. However, in the last three weeks things have changed very much between us. When we met, he smoked weed once in a while, maybe twice a month maximum. I never thought it was a big deal, because he would do it in a safe area amongst his friends. In the last three weeks, he smokes at least once a day, but most days he smokes at least twice. He mostly smokes at night to fall asleep. I have expressed my concern about his increased smoking and his response has always been "Stop trying to change who I am". Lately, he lies about smoking. He will leave my apartment saying he is going to be, only to go to home to his apartment and smoke with his roommate and stay up half the night. Adding to this problem, he tells me frequently that I do not spend enough time with him, and yet he is so eager to leave every night just to get high. If I catch him in a lie, he starts to yell at me, and make it seem like I was in the wrong. I also caught him in a lie about a month ago. He was letting me borrow his computer while mine was getting fixed. I typed in the letter 'f' into the URL bar to get to my the website to check my email. The first thing that came up when I typed in 'f' was his ex-girlfriend's facebook, the ex-girlfriend that caused him to delete his facebook account, because she had been stalking him through it. Come to find out, he reopened his facebook account just to look at his ex's accounts and then deleted his account again. When I asked him if he did, he lied and told me he didn't. When I showed him the blatant proof on his computer, he said he 'didn't remember doing that' and then proceeded to get angry with me when I told him how upset his lying made me. I have no idea what is going on and why he is acting in the way he is, but I just feel so betrayed. I don't know what to do anymore, or if there even is anything I can do to save this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 10:59am

Smoking weed is ok if its done every once in awhile, smoking weed every day is an addiction and a problem. My ex alwasy told me he only smoked sometime, when we moved in together it was obvious that he lied and smoked everyday, minimum 2 or 3 times. He became lazy, he never cared for work or to do anything as a couple. I belive that smoking too much weed kills any ambition or motivation to do something with your life. He also used to get mad at me for anything. You need to run the other way because as long as he is smoking he will be like this. And you can't make him stop....good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 11:14am

" I have expressed my concern about his increased smoking and his response has always been "Stop trying to change who I am". "

You could have responded: "I didn't, YOU changed who you are"

There is nothing you can do to save this relationship because you aren't the one ruining it. What you can do is take a stand and talk to him when he is sober and in a receptive mood:

"I don't know what is going on, but you have changed a lot in a very short period of time. You may not realize it but I am concerned for you. If there is something going on, I hope you will tell me so that I know how to be supportive. If you don't want to talk about it, or if this is the way you want things to be, then I hope you will understand that this relationship is not good for me and I will have to leave."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 11:44am
He has told you to "stop trying to change who he is" which means he has no interest in changing his habits. He has an addiction to the stuff and that's why he's always in such a hurry to leave your apt. in the evening. Really, him checking out his ex on facebook is probably the least of your worries. Sorry, but unless he acknowledges that he has an addiction and wants to get help, he is going to continue to smoke pot everyday. For me this would absolutely be a deal breaker.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 12:37pm

No it's not worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2012

I just got done with m final plea with my boyfriend. I told him that I was concerned about him and wanted to know why his behavior has changed recently. I also told him that I am not trying to change him that he was never like this, and I would have never become involved with someone who has such an awful habit. I tried to explain to him why his behavior upsets me, and that at the end of the day, I have more respect for myself than to put myself in this kind of situtation. I said if his behavior doesn't change and he doesn't stop smoking daily that I will not stick around. He pretty much just dismissed me and told me that he doesn't see the problem, but because it upsets me he will stop. I want to believe this, but a huge part of me knows that if he doesn't see a problem, he won't change. I really hope he was being sincere though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

A person who doesn't actually see a problem is not going to stop just because of someone else - It doesn't work that way. You are right about this. He'll just find ways to try to hide it from you, or he'll go back to it when he feels you've been placated long enough, then you'll be back to square one. I'm just telling you how this will probably play out. I am glad you stood up for yourself, I hope things turn around but that possibility is almost nil.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

Hi serendipity,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Crab is right: your guy gave you the wrong answer.

If he'd said

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2012
It's just so hard to walk away from a relationship that I thought would last forever. But I suppose at the end of the day, I can't stay with someone who doesn't have respect for me or himself. Maybe one day I will get the courage to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

"Maybe one day I will get the courage to leave"

I'm sorry to say this, but it's this mentality that will prevent you from leaving as long as you believe "one day" isn't "today".