Is it wrong to want to be first?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Is it wrong to want to be first?
10
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 10:11pm

Simple question for anyone who may be able to offer some insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Tue, 06-03-2008 - 11:12pm

I'm with you...I need to be #1.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 12:19am

No, there is nothing at all wrong with wanting to be first in his life, in fact it's normal. If you feel too slighted on time, it's also natural to feel deprived and upset. A good relationship requires balance and some sacrifice. He's acting as if he's single, playing as much ball as he wants and tending to all that matters to him, not including you enough. Let him know how you feel without being naggy and critical. Just stand tall and firmly respect your needs. When you feel entitled and respect yourself you'll be able to set appropriate boundaries so that you receive the time and attention that you deserve. If this is too difficult to do, it might help to receive some counselling to get a better sense of your own self worth and deservability.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 1:07am

I think it's important to make your spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 1:24am

Welcome to the penguin313282,


It's not wrong to want to be first....I think though you might really be asking for Quailty Time with him and his schedule isn't conducive to that or he hasn't realized how important it is to you to have one-on-one time with him so that you feel loved.


A few things to consider:


1) sdlostorfound gave good advice especially about joining him, getting involved etc


2) Read Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, read it to him maybe, then discuss it and see what can be worked on


3) Read Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis, you may find you aren't as compatible as you think and no use spending the rest of your life engaged in an uphill battle


4) read this post:

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 11:36am
When you're considering becoming husband and wife you should ABSOLUTELY!!! be #1 priority to him. My dad tells me: even though he made every effort to provide for us and be there for us kids, mom always came first for him and always will. I believe that is the ideal partnership. As Dr Shoshanna says, you should stand up for yourself if you need to be a bigger part of his life in order to feel "serious" enough about marrying him. It's certainly not unreasonable to feel the way you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2008
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 1:19pm

Hi Penguin,

I hear your frustration and I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been in this relationship before and while your needs (in my opinion) are very reasonable and doable, it doesn't matter because your bf's needs are too different from yours. Spending quality time with you isn't important to him or he would be spending quality time with you. BTW, his choices don't reflect on your lovableness or your value as a marriage partner.

When I was in a relationship like yours I constantly felt very awkward and needy because who wants to have to beg someone for their time? And, I could never figure out why organizing time together seemed hard with him when it never had been before with anyone else. More awkwardness.

I don't think your BF really wants a relationship leading to the marriage you would like. Your dad is right in my experience.

Recap of convo with a similar ex after dating almost two years, who said he loved me, who lived 15 minutes away, who only had time for me on the weekend, even phone calls were too much during the week because he was "so busy" during the week.

Me: So if I suddenly had a huge problem and a huge need to call your during the week would that be OK? Him: No, I'd ask that you wait until the weekend, you would be causing me to lose my concentration for work.

Remember this is after almost two years he said this. I stayed with him why????? ;) Remember too that I actually had to ask him this question because I was so shut out of his life when he didn't want me to be in it.

I am now married to a man who, when dating, lived over an hour away from me (in good traffic) whom I saw at least once during the week, on the weekends and I could call him whenever I wanted to. I didn't even need a reason! :)

You cannot make him into the man you need. I'm sure this man has some super wonderful qualities or you wouldn't be with him, but I don't think you will find the happiness you are looking for with him.

BTW, the ex I've referenced was still alone the last time I talked to him a few years ago. "I'm 45 I've still got plenty of time."

I wish you the best of luck,
WT

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 2:15pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 3:50pm
Welcome to the board zakl and thanks for participating.




angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Wed, 06-04-2008 - 8:37pm

Thanks to everyone for your

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 6:24am

'..Although we live about 15 minutes apart, I usually only see him for 2 hours 1-2 weeknights, and an afternoon on the weekend.'


IMHO that is nowhere near enough time to spend together at over 2 years. We're talking mere 5-6 hours a week and this isn't because he MUST do all those other things he does, but because he wants to do them, instead of spending time with you. It may sound silly