its always about him
Find a Conversation
its always about him
| Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:17pm |
My boyfriend and i have been together a year and ive started noticing that everything is always what he wants to do and always about him. keep in mind he is an only child but he is 22 and should be grown out of that by now. How do i turn things around where its not so draining on my end but not make a big nagging argument about it?

Pages
I was responding to your post about itwinflame being jaded. What you say about the original post is possible. I don't have an opinion on that. The point of my post was to say that refusing to "change" a partner doesn't make a person jaded. In fact, it's a sign that they know that there are people out there who are more compatible with them, which is far from being jaded about relationships.
Also, I've never understood the point finding who's "right" and who's "wrong" when it comes to incompatibility. In some situations it applies, but most of the time it's like buying a pair of pants. If a pair of pants doesn't fit, does it matter whether they're good quality, what their price is, what they look like on a hanger? Of course not. When they don't fit, then they're not right for you and you don't buy them.
::The point of my post was to say that refusing to "change" a partner doesn't make a person jaded. In fact, it's a sign that they know that there are people out there who are more compatible with them, which is far from being jaded about relationships.
Also, I've never understood the point finding who's "right" and who's "wrong" when it comes to incompatibility. In some situations it applies, but most of the time it's like buying a pair of pants. If a pair of pants doesn't fit, does it matter whether they're good quality, what their price is, what they look like on a hanger? Of course not. When they don't fit, then they're not right for you and you don't buy them.
I just wanted to say thank you.
Hi, Ouch!
Yes, it's certainly possible, even likely, that we are getting a one-sided view of her problem. Her boyfriend could be a real sweetheart. He could even be a saintly humanitarian. The problem is, he's not the person she needs, based on what she's told us. If she was just venting, she'll re-evaluate when she calms down, and maybe she'll post here with her thoughts. At the moment, all we have to go on is what she's told us.
Helping her effect a change in her relationship is not just based on what she wants--he has to want it, too. So far, we know that she has been with him for a year, and that she feels that things always have to go his way, or he isn't going to play. She suggested a movie, and rather than saying, "I'd rather see another movie," he simply refused to go. She wanted his company at the concert, and agreed to go to the car show if he would, but he was so opposed to the concert that he wouldn't attend either event. This is like the little kid who takes his ball home if he doesn't get to pitch.
I think she needs to have a low-key heart-to-heart with him, and and see if they can work out a fair division of their activities. If all the things they do have to be things he is really into or else he's not going to do them, then they have no compromise and no effort to share her interests. In that case, using Arraicha's excellent analogy, the pants don't fit. If he's not willing to compromise, I think you'd agree that the future looks pretty bleak for them as a couple.
The negotiations work both ways though
>>She suggested a movie, and rather than saying, "I'd rather see another movie," he simply refused to go<<
It does sound like the OP didn't suggest an alternative either. Perhaps he said "no, I don't want to see that one" and she got mad and didn't suggest an alternative.
Regarding the concert, perhaps it was a concert she knew he'd dislike but tried to bribe him to attend anyway. For example, if my husband tried to bribe me to see Eminem (you do this with me and I'll do that with you) I'd be upset too. Because he knows how much the artist's music offends me.
While there could well be a stubborn little boy here....there could equally be an issue of the OP trying to drag him along to Opera and girly love stories. Perhaps she has no respect for his likes and dislikes. Perhaps she thinks he should attend events he dislikes simply because he's her boyfriend.
And I'm still wondering why she doesn't take her girlfriends to things he's not interested in.
In short, I don't want to criticise him without more information.
Yeah, it's me again.
The thing about this is that the OPs requests just aren't sitting well with me. You see, I would never deal with the issue as the OP has done.
For instance, if I really wanted to see a movie *with* my husband I'd say "do you want to see a movie?" If "yes" then I'd say "OK, what do we both want to see?"
If I really wanted to see a particular movie, I'd say "are you interested in seeing this?". If "no" then I'd say "OK, I'll take a friend next week".
But I wouldn't want him to see something he wasn't into.
Same with a concert. As a matter of fact, the Police are touring here (Australia) next year and DH is going without me. He told me point blank that he knows I wouldn't be interested. And he's right.
This is what respect of each other's likes and dislikes look like.
I couldn't agree more with you.
People expect certain people to be a certain way and get upset and angry when they are not.
That is not the same as accepting someone they way they are. There is no acceptance where there is anger. More on my next response....
I'm still see it all the same....there is always someone better out there. IMHO, that is a dangerous selfish way to approach a relationship with another human being - blaming them for your own feelings.
It isn't even close to the pants example you give. I think this is a better example of how I see it, going with your pants example:
People can figure out really quick whether a pair of pants fit well or not. Same with relationships, it is just they change and blame the pants for not meeting their needs any longer...
So they shop and find 'THE' pair of pants they like (or they are just happy that a pair of pants finally likes them). They try them on in the store and they still fit well. So they commit to buying them. Yet post people are not really buying them for the expected life of the pants, they are only buy them for the great 'fit' they get at the start. You example is as if you haven't ever bought the pants you just get to wear them until you don't like them.
Then they blame the pants for no longer fitting as good as it seemed they fit in the beginning (when actually the pants have become softer while the wearer of the pants has put on weight and their tastes have changed a bit over time).
They blame the pants and say you've changed or you aren't really the pants I thought I had bought or I'm done trying to get your to meet my needs (even though the pants are basically the same as they always were). You see, years later they decide they aren't compatible with the pants any longer. They blame the pants (while trying to pretent to say no one is really at fault - we just never belonged together in the first place.
Spending a lifetime buying pants and then blaming the pants for being unable to change as the reason you no longer want to be with them, well, with you is - at a minimum, just not healthy behavior (not taking responsibility for ones own behavior and actions).
Your pants example is an okay example for someone dating someone (maybe like the OP), but it doesn't hold up for a real relationship or marriage. JMHO. (Of course not. When they don't fit, then they're not right for you and you don't buy them.) The problem is most people buy them and don't even know what they have bought, then they change their mind and blame the pants.
JMHO, but people are not pants. People love and people change and people grow. When one person grows apart from someone else (that they have promised to love, honor or cherish or whatever they have 'bought') and just blames that other person for not being right for them, not being able to change for them, or whatever is not taking responsiblity for their own behavior, feelings and actions (let alone how their own actions and behaviors impact those around them). I think a person like this will always find fault in a pair of pants because they know there is always a better pair of pants out there - they are right about that, but wrong if they say no one is 'at fault'. Again, JMHO, but it is an issue of taking responsibility for ones own behaviors rather than blaming someone or something else.
Edited 6/12/2007 2:44 pm ET by ouchihurtbad
Old patterns can be hard to break. Just begin to make sure you do what suits you as well. Be clear about what you want, how much you can give and what your boundaries are. Make time to do what is important for you. If he doesn't want to join you in it, do it anyway. You can let him know, through action, that you count as well.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
I was married to a man like this. He would either not go with me to something, or if he did go, he acted like such an a#$ to make sure I didn't invite him to the next thing I wanted to do.
I think any relationship should involve some compromise for both parties. He should not have to go to something he loathes (nor should you), but you both should make concessions to be a part of the other's lives outside of your relationship. If you never say no to his plans - maybe start doing so, so he knows how it feels.
Does that make sense?
I thought I was the only one who noticed his selfishness, but his friends (after the divorce) said they couldn't believe I put up with it as long as I did.
Good luck .. don't be a doormat.
Pages