It's been a little over a year...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
It's been a little over a year...
7
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 1:44am

I posted this in another section, but I'm game for all the advice I can get.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. When we got together we were inseparable. We still have a lot of fun together, but there are some things that I'm either just now noticing, or just now growing out of. He seems to hate humanity...that and he's kind of dependent on me. I have a great job, I'm going to school, and I'm just now getting my own car. I feel like things are great for me, but for him not so much. We are about to get an apartment together, but the only work he gets is computer contract work, which pays really well but isn't as steady as we'd like. I feel like he's threatened by my success, and I know that's a cliche.
My point is, there are some parts of his personality that are coming out. He's very moody all the time and angry. He goes out of his way to be a bum and he pretends to hate humanity and passes the blame for his failures onto everyone else. I'm in such a good place that I feel like he's bringing me down, but I care about him. I don't know if it's the stress of the move or the fact that he's jealous of me, but something inside him is changing and driving me crazy in the process. I've just never been in this situation. I don't want to break up, but should we take a break until he gets his life together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 5:56am

Welcome to the board r0xmyface0off,


Hmm, well, I'd recommend putting off moving in together until you figure this out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 7:15am

First, do NOT trap yourself into a rental agreement with someone you are having even slight doubts about. This is a surefire way to make your situation worse and yourself miserable. It's worth it to wait.

At this point, a year into the relationship, you are starting to see who he really is. How he is acting toward you now is a lot more important than ever before, this is when you determine whether or not one another is "future material" based on who you are when you come down from the clouds.

He is either changing because this relationship is not good for him, or because you're now seeing who he really is. Explain your feelings to him and why you want to put off moving together for another 6-12 months. He may be very relieved, and it could change his attitude. But be careful if it doesn't - you need to know when to fold if he's just not making you happy enough anymore.

He should not be resentful of your success. Your success has nothing to do with him, and if he is jealous, it's because of him, not you. I was also resentful of a boyfriend like this once, because he was not right for me and I was subconsciously looking for ways to despise him. Now I'm with someone who I really love and like, and I am thrilled for him when he succeeds. That is the way it SHOULD be. Can you imagine a marriage, a team, that had to deal with resent and jealousy? It wouldn't last.

See how things go without the "threat" of an apartment together looming over your heads, good luck.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 2:38pm

Be very careful before you move in with someone who you feel is jealous of you and not functioning on par. His anger and moods "are" contagious and especially when you live together and can't get away, they can certainly bring you down. I strongly suggest that you let him know that he needs to work these aspects of himself out. You don't want to be the butt of anger or with someone who is so moody. It sounds to me as though he would greatly benefit from counselling. It's almost impossible to work these things through on one's own.


In the beginning of relationships, there is often excitement and chemistry, and then these other aspects of daily life and personality come to the surface. Don't ignore them. Living together is a serious step and unless both of you are on the same page about what you want and are positive and uplifting towards one another, things can only get worse.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2008
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 5:41pm
Right now you are in an "up" phase in your life while this guy is in a "down" phase.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 12:16am
I talked to him about these things the other day...about him not working and him being so angry lately.
As soon as we got to talking things started to make sense. He's been under a lot of stress lately that he didn't really tell me about before. His mother passed away when he was 16, which I knew, but he didn't tell me how hard Mother's day is for him...even now. Also, I was not informed until recently that his step-mother just left his father and moved off to Colorado.
We talked about his moodiness, and he told me that he would like to go to therapy and he has in the past, but now he doesn't have insurance, but it's something he has looked into.
Now that I've told him about how I felt and how he was making me feel, I've seen an obvious effort on his part to correct the issue, and I love him for that. I feel that nothing will be truly resolved until he goes to get help on his own.
:/
Now I just wish I could help him. I was irritated when I first posted, but I'm really concerned. I just really don't know what I can do for him because there are sometimes when he just won't let me in. I think he thinks that I don't understand...but that doesn't mean that I can't be there for him.


Edited 5/23/2008 12:18 am ET by r0xmyface0ff
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 11:04am

If he is willing to go to therapy and even looking into it, that is very good. Then he will get the help he needs to work things through. It sounds as though he is having many emotional challenges at this time and it will be good to get help with them.


If you do love him, and want to keep this relationship going, and he is going for help, then just give the space to be moody or withdrawn when he is. Understand that it has nothing to do with you, it is not a rejection of you, but at those times he cannot be so close or involved. Don't judge him for it, just let it be. Just being with another, and understanding their different needs, moods and rhythms without complaining, taking it personally or judging them for it is the greatest help you can offer.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 9:49pm

"He seems to hate humanity...that and he's kind of dependent on me."


How so?