It's been more than 3 years...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
It's been more than 3 years...
13
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 11:21pm

I have been looking for a very long time for an anonymous outlet to share my most private thoughts, and get thoughts on the subject.

"I sit alone a lot, but I do not mind it. I'm just waiting for something to fill this emptiness, and it's been so long."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 12:57am
First, please don't post in light pink...it is very hard to see against the white back ground. As for the weight issue...I don't think that that is the real problem here. Though there are some very shallow people out there, most men are not going to become instantly unattracted to their wives because they put on some weight, assuming you didn't put on 100 lbs....I think there is a deeper issue here. Your husband may be using the weight as a cover up. While it is great that you want to lose the weight and are taking steps to do that, don't do it for him, do it because it makes you happy. I would suggest counseling asap. You have to get to the real issue. If it did turn out that the weight was the real issue...well, I would think long and hard about what that says about him. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 9:25am
Maybe a change in perspective would help? Instead of focusing on your husband being less attracted to you, change your reasoning for losing weight. Being at a healthy weight will be extremely beneficial to being able to conceive a baby and having an easy pregnancy. If you have a good diet and are active, then it will help you immeasurably for having a baby. Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 9:43am

It seems like you are looking for somebody to blame for the situation when nobody is to blame. You are not a bad person for gaining weight. Nor is he a bad person for not feeling attracted to you. Part of being human is that none of us are perfect. I think situations like yours are actually very common for that reason. Telling yourself that either one of you has to be perfect is only going to make you is only going to make you feel more resentful and make it more difficult to motivate yourself.

It will be much easier to focus on dieting when you can accept and love yourself regardless. Also, stop letting your resentment towards him stand in your way of losing weight. All you are doing is sabotaging your own efforts. You are the only one who creates the resentment which causes you to go back to eating. His actions might contribute to it, but it is entirely up to you how you want to interpret and look at those actions and if you want to dwell them. You're not just losing the weight for him. You're doing it for yourself as well, so that you can get many of the things you want. If you want to allow yourself to feel resentment towards him and then allow it to be an excuse why you're going to go back to eating, then YOUR choosing a course of thought that's keeping you away from the things that YOU want. You're copping out on your own responsibilities to yourself when you believe that HE'S making you feel resentful. You will have a much better chance of success when you deal with yourself first.

I think it is great that you are trying Weight Watchers. I have heard of some really good success stories from there. I really hope it will work for you. You might also want to try individual counseling at some point if you find that you are still feeling resentful towards him or down on yourself. Working on those issues will make the dieting easier as well. I am sure you can do it. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 11:55am

Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to respond to my post.

"I sit alone a lot, but I do not mind it. I'm just waiting for something to fill this emptiness, and it's been so long."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 3:17pm

Welcome to the board emptyandalone,


You've already been given good advice, I just wanted to suggest you read the book Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 4:08pm

You know, I was married to a man who gained a lot of weight (we divorced over other issues) but, no matter how much I loved him - and I did - I was not particularly attracted to him when he was heavy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 4:57pm
Has he told you that your weight is the issue. I am thinking maybe he doesn't want a baby right now and that could be the real issue. Just a thought anyways.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 6:40pm

Hi there...


Ok, so you gained weight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 9:29pm

I just have to say that I never imagined that I could have gotten such helpful, informative responses here.

"I sit alone a lot, but I do not mind it. I'm just waiting for something to fill this emptiness, and it's been so long."
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 10:13pm

Hey, I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. I hope that this will be a community where you can find the support you're looking for.

As I was reading your post, I noticed that you feel that the lack of sexual attraction means that your husband doesn't love you. While love and sex often go together (and we often want them to), one can exist without the other. I believe that your husband does love you for you. You have happy times together, and he is committed to being faithful to you. Please don't let the fact that you are not having sex make you automatically think that he doesn't love and respect who you are as a person. I think it's very likely that he loves you just as much as ever.

I think that if you can stop that automatic mental association of, "if there is no sex there is no love," maybe it can relieve some of the tremendous pressure you seem to be feeling. Then, if you want to lose weight, it's because YOU want to and not because part of you thinks his love is contingent on what the scale reads.

Aside from that, when I was reading what you wrote, I was struck by the fact that you've had sex only once as a married couple. People gain weight gradually over months of time, but it sounds like the sex stopped rather suddenly. This makes me wonder (as others have written) whether the weight gain is truly at the heart of the issue? To give more insight, can you describe a little bit about what the sex was like before you were married?

Hope you don't feel quite so alone now :-)

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