It's a Human Thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
It's a Human Thing
7
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 4:41pm
How do you know really when to trust yourself? I'm torn. I'm scared of getting hurt. I feel like I've made so much progress in my life and I'm scared that I will fall backward. Part of me feels like getting hurt and living through it will only make me stronger.....then the other part of me thinks it's a fine line and I shouldn’t put myself in a position where I could get hurt.

I realize it's really more of a philosophy question.... without a lot of detail or specific circumstance.... I need to know, when is it growth and when is it loss? Does that which does not kill me only make me stronger.... or stupid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 5:17pm
I believe that to get what you want you have to give it. That like attracts like.

Have you seen patterns in your life? Are you repeating some of the same scenarios?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 6:46pm
Well, you can't trust, admire, respect, appreciate, and protect yourself by "putting yourself in danger" intentionally and knowingly. Because if it all goes bad, which in likelihood it will - you're going to be more frustrated, terrified, angry, and anxiety-ridden than ever..not just at the situation itself..but primarily with yourself and not being pro-actively self-protective.

You'll fear you being in charge of you...which will have you seeking people that are willing to take control/charge of you and all your abilities and assets.

Now.....if by doing what frightens you but in a realistic and logical and resonsible way you get a result that you didn't anticipate and don't like...by handling that while never losing sight of your goal and being self-responsible all the way - THAT is going to make you stronger because you'll be less scare d of the "unknown" - they'll be less "unknwon" to you and how you'll handle it.

Basically - life isn't a choreographed dance....and if you're giong to treat it like it is so that you're never scared or angry..then you're limiting yourself to what you know how to do and are willing to risk in a limited manner...meaning you can't really grow at all.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:09am
Patterns in my life....That's what I'm scared of.....I feel like I’ve finally gotten to know myself. I used to be this person that even I didn't know. For whatever reason I felt I could never be someone that I'd respect, look up to. Somehow, after college I grew into myself. Now, I'm this woman that has everything going for me....and I know it.....I know that I've been blessed, worked hard, and spent the time getting to know myself. From all of this I have been quite successful in my career and I fell in love.... really fell in love. For the first time I was able to give and not have an emotional calculator running....I just went with everything....trusted myself.

Now I feel like his love has maybe changed....maybe I expected some sort of "deserved" fairy tale. Like all this pain and confusion was for nothing. I'm scared to go on, when maybe this is just a rough patch....I feel this nagging dull sensation of rejection ahead. The woman I am now says I need more....but in reality it is an ego thing....why wouldn't he want to give me everything. He doesn't make a lot of money right now and works all the time....and I truly admire that....but I crave affection...and there's no time or energy....I feel so torn....like I could lose the best thing in my life b/c I'm scared to get hurt....or I could waste the last few years of my twenties trying to get what I need.....

I don't want to fool myself...I'm this weird combo of successful independence and a need for affection....I know I probably don't make a lot of sense....bottom line is when I fell in love with me, I was able to see what love really is....and now it's a hurt....and it's lonely....and I'm confused....If I was able to make this progress....why am I so stuck?

Thank you for listening and for your caring response!

Avatar for heatherjohnst
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:21am
I'll answere your question by way of "personal life example".

1) All of my life my mother has been a cold , unfeeling woman who only

thinks about herself. Crummy upbringing ? VERY! But, now that I am a mother,

I am the polar oposite of my mother. I would never subject any child of mine

to a life like that! So , that is an experience of growth.

2) The man I lived with when I first moved out of home was a flaming alcoholic

with a nasty "temper". At that point in my life everything sucked! I left him

of course. As stupid as it is going to sound , I'm glad I met him though. Why?

Because he tought me to be strong and NEVER put up with a relationship like that

again. He tought me what traits I didn't want in any man . To me , that was an

experience of growth.

My philosiphy is - No matter how awful a situation was , if you learn something

from it , it wasn't a total loss. Your life experiences make you who you are.

Learning from your mistakes is always a growth experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 8:37am
I tend to not trust people or situations that I cannot have complete control over but inturn when I have complete control it doesn't seem to be healthy. I have finally learned after quite a bit of pain in my life and a few failed relationships that you sometimes have to take a chance. I'm not sure if this has to do with a relationship, but if it does I have learned that if you don't open yourself up to be loved then you can never truly love or be loved. You will not always know if what your doing is 100% the right and safe thing to do but I agree that you can always judge by patterns in your life. Sometimes though, it's about taking chances. Just have confindence in yourself, know you're strong and that no matter what you can always pick yourself up, chalk it up to a learning experience and go on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 9:17am
with a couple different letters in our names, you could almost believe you were talking to yourself huh? lol

I would say to never turn down a chance if you see honest potential. With me, I always try to see which seems to have the more fair view of anything. If my head sees some very large issues, then I dont jump. If it sees both good and bad, then I try, because with everything I learn to love, and then might have to even leave, I learn. I find out things that I would have never thought of before.

For me, its mostly deciding if Im operating on fears and worries vs. real issues that begin to pile up. But I cant deny my want to care for someone because of fear of getting hurt. Yes, its true that I cant lose anything that way, but then I cant win either. Its hard to trust someone with our hearts, because we all are fallible, but the simple fact is that SOMEONE will love and care, and we wont always see that at the onset. To me, you can only be so good of a person without others coming in to stir things up a bit. Hard times make us mature, they make us grow, and they make us see who we are much more so than introspection. So with me, I would say try unless there is something pretty darn large to make me hesitate, other than change.

Best of luck 2 u :)

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:13pm

Let's put it this way - if you live your entire life protecting yourself from being hurt, then your life will grow smaller, number and more defended. You can end up living in a shell and never experiencing the great adventure that life can be. In order to experience love, wonder, happiness and joy, we also must be willing to experience other feelings as well - such as hurt, loss, sorrow. This is the whole human spectrum of life and experience. By trying to cut one part out, we cut out the other as well. The real answer to your question is that you need to learn how to deal with all the feelings that come along with being alive. You need to learn how to experience them, feel them, and let them go, and move on so they don't overwhelm you. I suggest you read and work with my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, which offers many exercises and describes a practice which allows you not to lose yourself, and to stay centered, no matter what is going on.


All best wishes.