It's me....not him

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
It's me....not him
6
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 1:35pm

I am so confused and would appreciate any advise or comments....
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 13 months, we live together and have had a great relationship until about a month ago...
Lately it seems like everything is a "deal breaker" for me and I cannot figure out if it is because we have left the "honeymoon" stage and we are not as compatible as I thought or if for some reason I am subconsciously searching for ways to end it.
We have both made some serious changes in our lives within the past two months that may also play a role in this.... We both quit smoking cigarettes(yea!), we are both going back to school to finish our degrees, he quit his job and is not working right now but is planning on getting a job that will accommodate his school schedule, and I am changing jobs next week.
We have had at least one fight everyday for the past week or two and we are both exhausted! He is so great and wants to work everything out and is very optimistic while I am the one that is very angry lately, doing the criticizing and having thoughts of him moving out and us breaking up.....lately everything he does is not right (in my mind) and irritates me...Why do I act like this?
I am very wishy-washy...I want to work it out, he is a great guy but I cant figure out what my problem is!

Edited 9/6/2007 1:52 pm ET by amber454




Edited 9/6/2007 2:03 pm ET by amber454
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 2:28pm

Welcome to the board amber,


The key to fixing this is getting to the bottom of what is causing you to view everything he does negatively. Stress can cause

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 2:54pm
Some examples are little things like, not feeding the cat, not picking up his clothes, leaving dishes in the sink...
Then bigger things like, not trying to find a job right now, smoking more pot than usual, leaving for the holidays when I thought that we had agreed to spend them together this year.
One incident that happened recently is we were at my moms house and she was teasing him about not working, and that his dad was paying for his school and his mom sent him a check for $5000 to just do what he wanted with it...It really upset him and now he does not want to go over there with me anymore. He says he "just needs some time and that it will pass, we will always have disagreement about family", But I feel like he never wants to make an effort to spend time with my family. If we do spend time with them he wants to leave soon and barely communicates with anyone.
(FYI, his family lives out of state). I understand it upset him but now he wants to leave for the hollidays....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 2:57pm

I can understand how your mom comments hurt him and he may want to shy away from going over there for a while.


For me drugs are the biggest deal breaker there is, so I wouldn't stand for that at all. However, with that being said it doesn't seem like there are any problems you have (if you are okay with the drugs) that can't be resolved.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 3:04pm
Thank you for your response...sometimes it seems so easy to just give up. You are right, I am probably just stressed and I think it is makeing me temporarily crazy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 3:41pm

Stress has definitely caused me to go temporally insane lately. At least that is my defense!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 3:47pm

Welcome to the board amber454,


From a few smokers I've heard that smoking helps keep the anger in check.... then when you stop anger tends to come up easily..... think about it.


I can understand his feelings about your mom's comments, but if they aren't actively trying to heal it, it won't happen by itself.


::Some examples are little things like, not feeding the cat, not picking up his clothes, leaving dishes in the sink...


Consider the book: Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman or Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw


::Then bigger things like, not trying to find a job right now, smoking more pot than usual, leaving for the holidays when I thought that we had agreed to spend them together this year.


Maybe leaving for the holidays would be a good break to see how things turn out.... or maybe leaving for the holidays is so he doesn't have to get a job..... but I would wonder about him replacing one addiction (cigarettes) with another (pot).




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