I've become so mean to him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
I've become so mean to him...
3
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 2:18pm
Hello helpful people.




I'm a 22 y/o woman in a 3+ year relationship with a 26 y/o man. I think I may have put a large road block in our relationship and will explain with hopes that someone else might have experienced a similar situation. I will try not to make this lengthy.




Our relationship began on shaky grounds, young and both on a bit of a rebound. We were vulnerable and needy, thus causing many hurtful arguments and tough love in time. For a while, we held a lot of resentment towards each other, in addition to many trust issues and unforgiven pasts. But the comfort and security we shared kept us together, and soon developed into something good, almost like we survived some horrible war together and became closer because of it. We have matured a lot together. Our foundation is horrible, and we hate to think about it, and almost try to avoid it as much as possible. But I think part of my problem I am about to discuss could be because of that.




It was about half a year ago that this turning point happened. I had made the decision to end the relationship as I felt it was unhealthy and too damaged to continue any future with him. We separated for about a month, which turned out to be a nice "cooling down time" for the both of us. It drove him absolutely nuts to be separated and it was not exactly a comfortable feeling for me either. We had a good 3 hour discussion and made some promises to each other that we ended up keeping thus maturing our relationship a lot and giving us both something we've been craving for a long while.




Lately, however, I've been becoming mean. I have become short-circuited easily, aggravated and argumentative about stupid things, and have tendencies to blame everything horrible on him. The things I am blaming him for are things of the past. Where he used to be easily angered and incredibly unkind, he is now the complete opposite. But I have been blaming him for being that way. I have been blaming him for not wanting to be around me, or for not being good enough, or gentleman like enough, or trustworthy enough. Verbally, I blame him. And I know that I am hurting him. I apologize later but I know that it is scarring him. He takes it though. And just apologizes. But I continue because somewhere inside of me, I believe he is the old him, for some reason.




This weekend, I think, was the last straw for him. He was in a bad mood and became short with me for a little while and for some reason it upset me so much, I acted as though he had just killed my dog. I told him horrible things. I told him (for the 3rd time) that I can never see a future with him because of how awful he treats me (which is not true, and I would in fact like to see that happen), I told him that I hate the way he does this and that, and how he doesn't do enough of whatever and whichever etc etc etc....Somehow I have become so damn needy that I work in the opposite direction and feel the need to bring him down when I feel most vulnerable. It was a horrible weekend, because I just kept it up. He finally reached a breaking point and said, "Enough!! I can't take this anymore, I can't be this guy I promised you anymore because you are no longer you!!"




I understand this. I wish I knew why all the sudden, I became the mean one. We were set on this nice track, it's like some nerve in my brain set off and triggered this hateful anger and resentment that needed to be released. I need to stop. But I can't for some reason. I love him, and I love what we have grown into, finally, I don't want to ruin it, but I think I just might have put us right back where we used to be as he has now begun to pull away from me. I'm not sure.




If you have gotten all the way through this with some sort of advice, criticism or answers, I truly appreciate the help.




Thanks,


Dani
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 2:42pm

Welcome to the board dani986,


I have a few guesses, see if one fits: you really aren't happy, but don't want to admit it and you take it out on him, push him away and if he breaks up with you, then you don't have to, OR you don't feel you deserve happiness so you are trying to sabatoge the relationship by being mean, OR you have all this resentment for how he was before and since you haven't processed it in a way that it goes away completely, you take it out on him.


Reading material to consider:


Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 3:03pm
Thank you for your response...




I'm going to go with either,

"you don't feel you deserve happiness so you are trying to sabatoge the relationship by being mean"

and

"you have all this resentment for how he was before and since you haven't processed it in a way that it goes away completely, you take it out on him."


It's a mixture between the both of them. More towards the second one. But thank you for creating some clarity in my thought process. Good book suggestions by the way. I have Dr.Phil's, Relationship Rescue. I will probably reread a couple of those chapters.




Thanks,


Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 4:51pm

"But the comfort and security we shared kept us together, and soon developed into something good, almost like we survived some horrible war together and became closer because of it. We have matured a lot together. "


It's a shame that you both have been through so much that you cant come to terms now.


"Our foundation is horrible, and we hate to think about it, and almost try to avoid it as much as possible. But I think part of my problem I am about to discuss could be because of that."


Okay, so things didnt start out well. Is there a way that the two of you could start over?