I've cheated, DH doesn't know
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| Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:58am |
History...
My DH and I have been married for 8yrs, been together for 13. He was my first sexual partner, I was his first everything. We were 18 when we started dating. We have two children aged 4 and 2, we live in a brand new house in the suburbs, two cars, I am a SAHM, you may as well say we have the "all-american, apple pie, two kids, picket fence family". My DH works hard, he does housework when he comes home, bathes the kids everynight, we play board games, enjoy a healthy sex life and all around seem to be a perfect couple. I am 30yrs old, university educated and consider myself to be a pretty good person.
Then this past summer I started talking to an old co-worker who began flirting with me and really trying hard to pick me up. I was really open with this with my H, we actually had a few laughs over it. It seemed so harmless. But then I started having secret converstions with this guy, we would talk on the phone or IM eachother during the day. It got so that all I thought about was having a relationship with this guy. I couldn't get it out of my head. I even told my H about it. I asked him why don't you try that hard to have sex with me, and he said "I don't have to your my wife". This sentance really hurt me. I started feeling like my H really didn't care about things I needed to hear or say. So needless to say I started having more intimate phone calls with this guy. Then one day in the summer he came over while my H was at work and we kissed, that was it...but we kissed...I loved it. Felt terribly guilty but loved it. Then the OM and I didn't talk for a couple of months, which was fine with me. But then we caught up with one another again.
One night we were together at work and we acted upon our lustful feelings. I had done it, I had cheated on my H. Driving home that night, I couldn't believe what I had done. I felt so terrible that I had done that to my H, but on the otherhad delighted that I had done that for myself. I know it was selfish and stupid...more stupid than I could have ever imagined, because since I have been diagnosed with some kind of STD, I am awaiting the results. So now I am physically sick to my stomach thinking I have exposed my H to something that I did. I can't even begin to tell you how ill this makes me feel. I've been to the Dr. and he's helping me through this. I will be responsible when it comes to sex with my H. I have recently gone on birth control pills and I just went off of them so that H and I can go back to using condems. I can't believe this is me, having to do this.
So now we are here, and my H and I had a conversation last night. He says to me that I could murder someone and he will come visit me everyday in jail, but if I ever cheat on him, I am out the door in a second. Ok, I have heard that before so no surprise to me, but then he says, and let me know asap so that I can start dating again while I still look good. This made me sad and I have no idea why. He doesn't even seem to act as though he'd be sad to leave me. I know it would be because I betrayed him but come on, is that it?
I guess I just feel that (and I know I am justifying here and it is totally unfair), I have been faithful to him for 13years, I cook and clean for him, I am a great mom who have happy, healthy, intelligent kids, I take out the garbage, I give him back rubs, I pluck his back hair, I listen to his stressful days at work, I am just always there for him...would he really leave just because I spent 10mins with another man? I just seems like a waste of 13years...(and please know that I know this is my doing...but I just think there should be some slack).
Then my next problem is that I am not sure why I am scared of him finding out. Am I scared cause then he'd leave and I'd not be with him anymore, or am I scared of losing my lifestyle? I am worried about how I would live without him finacially. And this to me is the SADDEST thing....
We have no passion in our life right now. He works from 6:30-6:30, comes home tired so he never wants to go out with the kids and if it is date for us, I've been expected to find a babysitter, pick her up, pay her, bring her home... SO basically not worth the effort. On the weekends, I work a partime job in the mornings. I come home to a messy house with food all over the house and I cook dinner. He then does some work and it is the same ole same ole. I have surgery coming up on my knee and he can't even take the day off work to pick my up from the hospital..it is day surgery..but I won't be able to walk for a week. I just feel that we are living seperate lives. He works and I take care of myelf, the kids and him.
Well the affair stems from my problems at home. I have no idea what to do to fix them. I have suggested counselling but he sees nothing wrong. I am afraid of counselling cause then he may find out about the affair. I don't know I am so sad, confused and traped. I really hate nighttime. I wake up in the middle of the night crying in my sleep. I just want out...out of my troubles...but I have no idea which way is out...
Do I keep my mouth shut and live my life....or do I look for major changes...I am just so sad....
Happy

In one aspect yes, he has that right to know. Honestly is mandatory in marriage and this huge deceit should not be hidden. I have never in my life cheated. I have been through a few rocky relationships where cheating was very tempting, but never went through. I suggest that you think about whats gonna happen the next time you are tempted?
Then again, why should he have to suffer because you were bored? You made the mistake, why should you relieve your guilt by telling the secret? It will more then likely devastate your entire family.
You may want to look into the "My affair support" Board or the "Ending My Affair" Board. These boards are for women/men currently in an extra marital affair (EMA) or ending one. There is also a Betrayed Spouses board. Most people say that they would NEVER be able to deal with their so having an affair. BUT when it is their life and they are faced with leaving or working through it - some will do what they have to, to get past it.
Start counseling for yourself. As far as the counselor knowing about your EMA - so? They cant tell ...and it might help you make a huge decision.
Are you going to be happy and content with dh or are you going to continue to cheat? If you cant be true - then drop the bomb and leave.
I truely understand the feelings you described - sometimes we have to put in the extra effort even when our so are acting like nothing is wrong - and running around with their eyes closed and such.
Just my thoughts Happy, I wish you luck!!!
Playnice
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
There's too much here to cover really - you should see a counselor on your own if your husband can't go. Regarding the STD - are you SURE you haven't already infected him?
Single motherhood ain't so great, and your husband sounds like a nice, honest, hardworking, good father - why on earth would you not do everything in your power to stick with that?
Sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone. Take heed.
Peace - Pebbles
There are no credible excuses for what you did.
You should tell your husband what he did. He has a right to know that his wife is unfaithful and he deserves the right to make a decision based on that information.
>>He works and I take care of myelf, the kids and him. <<
Not quite. He works to take care of you and the kids.
>>I listen to his stressful days at work, I am just always there for him...would he really leave just because I spent 10mins with another man? I just seems like a waste of 13years...(and please know that I know this is my doing...but I just think there should be some slack).<<
Not necesarily. You were unfaithful to him. It seems to me that you don't even regret it that much, do you?