I've Decided to Leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
I've Decided to Leave
3
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:25pm
well, I've finally made the decision to leave. For those of you who read my previous posts (Still Living w Ex and part 2) I want to thank you for all of your advice. I honestly thought that things were getting better and that my ex and I had a chance. After his comment Sunday about giving me another chance, I was very hopefully. Apparently in my quest to regain the love and relationship we had before, I failed to see what his definition of "another chance" was. Mind you, last week we started sleeping in our bed together again and so naturally I ASSUMED (yes, I know)that things would be back to normal, with the exception of the engagement of course. How wrong I was. Last night I left him a note on the computer asking why it still feels as though we are "roommates" and how long did he plan to treat me that way and would he ever touch me. Normally I talk to him several times a day. NOT TODAY. He never called so I call him around noon. He's very distant. When he comes home, I'm in the kitchen cleaning. He doesn't say anything to me so I keep cleaning. OK, he don't wanna talk. Then he comes into the kitchen and pulls the back of my hair in a playful way and tells me he got my message this morning. I laugh and say ok. he becomes angry and tells me "little steps Debra. Why can't you accept that?" And I said "ok, whatever" and let it go. so he tells me that i need to accept that and that we are taknig little steps. I told him point blank that its not acceptable and he gets angry and tells me thats just the way it is. So i reply and say "ok, then all I have to say on that subject is I will be staying in the other room again (my room)" He huffs under his breath, tells me thats not a wise decision and walks out of the room. He has now been playing his PS2 for the last two hours, oblivious to me. I cooked dinner, like I ALWAYS do and took his plate to him and just threw it onto the tray and walked out. I've decided that I can no longer live with the emotional games and constant turmoil of the back and forth, never knowing when or what to expect. I just cannot do this any longer. I haven't told him yet because I want to find a place to live before I do. If i tell him now that I am leaving, he'll tell me to leave now, thereby leaving everything I own here and THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN. So as soon as I find an apartment, I'm gone.

Thank you all for helping me see that it was a hopeless effort on my part and that in order to be happy and move forward, I really had no choice but to end it all. Now I jsut have to tell my son. That's the hardest part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 7:39am
I completely agree with your decision. A word of advice though. Write out exactly why you have made this decision. All the reasons. All the hurtful things he's done and said. Write out why you do not deserve to be treated like this and how it makes you feel.

Here's the important part - Do not show it to him! This is for you. If he is truly the manipulative game player you describe, he will do a complete 180 upon learning you are leaving. His ego will be bruised and he'll realize that he'll no longer benefit from all the "services you provide". He could start to do and say everything you've asked for up to now just to get you to change your mind and stay. But, remember, if he really meant it all, he'd be doing it already. Why? Because you asked him to. He's not though, is he?

Beware that you don't fall for the act because, that's all it will be. If he didn't get how serious you were when you moved to the other bedroom, and he didn't get how serious you were when you stood your ground, he won't get it now. It will only be an act that will revert back to what you have now, once he sees that you've given in.

If you feel yourself starting to faulter on your decision, starting to let your emotions get the better of your common sense, practice tough-love on your self. You know, where you don't necessarily want to do something but, you force yourself to do it anyway becuase you know it's the right thing to do. The letter/journal/list that you wrote out will remind you of the decision you made "in the clear light of day" and will remind you why you made the decision and why you must stick to it.

If your relationship is truly going to make it in the long run, it will survive some time apart. I'd even recommend no contact for a while, to wait out all the emotional turmoil and doubts that this separation is bound to bring. My guess, though, is that once you are out and on your own, away from the uncertainty and stress this situation is creating, you'll wonder why you stayed so long.

You only have one life - this is it! None of us know how long we have left here either. You and you son deserve more than this. Go get it!

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 1:26pm
Susan, thank you so much for your thoughts on this. It was very helpful to me in knowing how to proceed with this. Last night after I posted, he came into the dining room and we started arguing. He said he can't understand how I can be so selfish in this and that he THOUGHT by making the decision to give us another chance, it was a good thing but I have now spit in his face. I explained to him that he makes this comment and then does not give me a chance to ask any questions regarding how he expects things to be. He said Sunday was our day with Cameron (my son) and he just wanted to enjoy the picnic and activites we had planned. I told him that was so unfair because if that were true, WHY did he tell me DURING the picnic. He said it's when he felt it and he doesn't want to hold in his feelings, yet he cuts me off to mine when I try to question. Obviously our definition of "another chance" are different. He was very upset and angry with me last night that I told him i didn't agree with his "small steps" and that I have every right to an opinion in this because it affects me. Needless to say, it was a very heated argument and he finally said that he would pack his things and go until I could find another place and then once I was able to move all my things out, he would move back in. He said he does not understand my reasoning for sleeping back in the other room because he wants me in our bed. Maybe I'm not seeing something here and maybe I can't see the big picture but why doesn't this seem like a good thing? It doesn't feel like its a relationship or even the start of one again. How do you take things SLOW when you live in the same house, share the same bed, do everything together? Where does the 'slow' fit in? I just don't know how to do that. And then what, he goes out with his buddies and he's "single"? I mean, is that the way this works? It's whatever is convenient for him? I'm just not seeing something here and for the life of me, I can't figure out what I'm missing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 5:57pm
I completely agree with Susan, specially about the list. I did something very similar and the best advice I can give you is to find the apartment as soon as possible and don't worry so much about material things, just think selfishly about yourself.