I've had it with lack of intimacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
I've had it with lack of intimacy
9
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:24am
So, a little history--married three years (anniversary in one week), 30 years old, 5' 3" and 125 lbs. I've been told that I'm attractive--and I'm an intelligent caring woman. My husband is a musician and a night club manager who keeps late hours, also intelligent, also attractive. We lived together for a year before marrying and our sex life was wonderful. I'd never felt so attractive, and confident. Then we got married, and I found the Penthouse collection. No big deal, I asked him about it (and wondered why he never mentioned that he looked at porn at ANY time before in our relationship--or why I hadn't found any). We had always been able to discuss sex, likes and dislikes and I thought, "hey, if this is a new phase, let's visit it together." I'm not a huge fan of porn, mainly for reasons of stupid word usage, dumb scenarios, etc..., but I was willing. He freaked out. Started buying magazines like they were going out of style, hiding them elsewhere and our sex life was reduced to about 1 a month. Turned me down everytime I attempted to initiate sex--too tire, too sick, stomach ache, head ache, etc...So, my self esteem plummeted (and continues to do so, today). Now he buys dvds--drives 50 minutes north to the Hustler store to do so, and I have to remind him that we haven't had sex in a month or more--but he uses porn daily--just found a new dvd yesterday. This is condensed--to put all of the feelings and all of the conversations we've had about this issue in writing would be a small novel. It simply appears to me that a)he has an issue and b) it's never going away. I will give him this--it's been a year (our last anniversary, in fact) that he bought a dvd. So maybe the stash just wasn't appealing anymore, but honestly, what's wrong with his wife? What's so disgusting about me, having sex with a real female? When, after 5 or 6 months of dealing with his progressive "porn hording", I told him how awful it was making me feel--that we weren't together more, that he turned me down and sometimes it was devastating, he advised me to masturbate more to please myself and said "now you know how it feels to be a 17 year old boy" in reference to being spurned. Honestly, I don't always think sex is HOT HOT HOT, but there is an intimate connection between a man and woman (or whomever) that is necessary--it's like checking in--a recharge so to speak, "oh yeah--I remember you, I love you"... I guess now, I wonder what will help? I mean, is he simply oblivious, selfish--addicted? I mean, all of these things are possible (he is male :)). Crazy thing is, he's very loving otherwise--always hand on my knee while he drives, rubs my neck when I'm cooking dinner, makes me cocktails when we come home from work--I mean, typically, he's not unromantic, and I don't want to leave, but I do, sometimes, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:36am
it's hard to get inside the mind of a man. It does sound like he has got some issues though. You need to ask him what is more important in your marriage, porn or you. Maybe you should try to back up off him and agree to have a level of acceptance and let him know that whatever has caused this sudden hindrance in your relationship, you are willing to work through it. Don't give up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:55am
You said it sister! I usually just shrug my shoulders with some of his personal brand of weirdness, but when it direclty affects my relationship with my spouse, the way I feel about myself, nah. Life is too short to worry all the time--especially at 30. It's a terrible catch 22. He hates insecurity, but his actions, are the root of my insecurity! And, sadly, I've asked that very question--what is more important? And he said, of course, our marriage--and made a huge production of throwing the magazines away where I could see them. I felt so lucky to have a spouse that I could communicate with--that, even though, I felt silly having a conversation about my insecurites with our sex life and porn, he accepted me and respected me. But I was a fool, because 5 months later, I found his new hiding place and that he had repurchased several of the issues he threw away, not to mention more recent editions. I told you, we've had every conversation imaginable. I have to be honest--when I found the dvd last night, I scratched it with a key. And I contemplated a bond fire with the magazines. Childish, yes, but--not even close to some of the other thoughts I've had. Gluing all the pages together, drawing beards and chest hair on all of the women in the mags with black sharpies. Funny--if he has porn for fantasies, those are mine! :) I'm thinking about taking home a post-it note pad tonight and I'm going to put one on the new dvd that says "have sex with your wife".
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 11:21am

honey, my heart goes out to you! i have lived with lack of intimacy and sex life during a seven years (which was thankfully ended two weeks ago!) and i know firsthand how degrading and

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 1:51pm
Hi,

I would leave him if I was you, It's never going to end, he's way past help and is in his own little world. Any man that prefers porn at an ADDICT level over real flesh and blood is a freak! I'm male and look at porn occasionally to relieve myself but only because my wife's libido is 1/8th of mine (and like others have said, It's only a visual thing). I would take my wife over anything else!

Get out while your still young (with no kids I assume) and find yourself something closer to normal. It will be the best decision of your life!


Brent

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 2:21pm
No, no children. That's funny, though, because he keeps talking about "when we have children" and names, etc...and in my head I always reply, "you know how people get pregnant, right?" or "you have to have sex to have babies". Pretty bleak. Let me tell you--

We don't have any monetary issues and emotional support is actually alright--except he's not good with problems that I might have at work or with individuals. His knee jerk reaction is to hunt them down, or say flip things or to protect my honor somehow.

I've done all the lingerie, catholic school girl skirts and anything in the world I thought would make him want me, and it didn't work. I also seem (in my mind) to be the "mother" in our relationship, which makes me wonder if that doesn't have something to do with it--I handle finances, I do laundry, I clean, I buy his clothing --his choice--I grocery shop, I maintain all of the household work--heating repair, handyman stuff, etc...He doesn't do anything at home that would make him feel manly (by choice) so maybe that's what the porn is? Makes him feel manly--maybe I emasculate him. Throwing that one out there. I think about it every once in awhile, but honestly, if I don't get things done, they won't get done, and I can't live in filth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 2:50pm
Another example of him being in his own little world, his lack of responsibility towards your relationship. responsibilities need to be shared. What is he good for again? What does he do that makes you truly happy? Whatever it is..it will not add up enough points to cover the lack of intimacy/sex. It will always be a problem for you as long as you are with him. Is that what you really want? can you live with that for the rest of your life and should you? Again, my answer is why should you!

Next time tell him what's in your head (you know how people get pregnant right?) I like that one! and it will put him on the spot, is answer will be lame or a quick change of topic.

Brent

p.s. If you want someone who would truly appreciate your catholic school girl getup send it my way :-) (just kidding)


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:30pm
Of course not--that sounds more awful than it is right now! I think I'm still stuck on the "before" picture of the relationship. I sometimes travel the timeline to see what happened, and really can't pinpoint it. My friend mentioned that the porn was symptomatic of another issue--whether it's his poor childhood/intimacy issues or something underlying that he hasn't mentioned that bugs him (I forgot to put peas in tuna mac or whatever...)I don't know. He claims that our marriage is the greatest --that male friends think we are a tremendous couple and aspire to be like us! He loves our life. He's said that. What does he love about it? I mean other than the fact that he gets to watch porn constantly, plays music, manages a bar, and doesn't have any responsibility? Sounds like a sweet set up. My friend also suggested that I simply stop doing things for him--let him buy his own damn clothes, let him cook for himself, and stop caring so much about him (in general) but that seems ridiculous--I mean, if I wanted to play games in a relationship, I'd pick people up in bars for fun that I didn't really care about and tweak it to my advantage, drop them when it got boring and move on. Marriage isn't about playing games to get you SO to love you back. I'm no strategist. And I shouldn't have to be one.

Hey, thanks for a male insight. I think my catholic girl skirt is pretty hot! Pigtails and all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 9:29pm
Games in a relationship/marriage shouldn't be required, like you say. But, commitment to each other and each other's needs should be at the top of the list. He's not filling your needs by a long shot and suggesting you do yourself is just plain degrading.

Your like a mother to him! are you Italian?

My wife once did everything as well but that joy ride only lasted a few years, when I say joy ride I mean I let her do it all because she never complained and I was a lazy bum. It all comes back however and those days are long gone, we share all responsibilities now and are both much happier aside from our clashing libidos (her low, me high) hence the reason I ever look at porn! the things we do !

I can't understand why a porn addict and a high libido woman don't fit like peas in a pod, the porn must offer him something that you can't or won't (for example, he dreams about oral sex all the time and that's the one thing you won't do) I don't know, it makes no sense unless their are more serious problems that he's not opening up to.

If you ever do get what you need from this man your mind will tell you that he's doing it for the wrong reasons, that's just a s frustrating!

Brent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 2:39pm

sweetie. HIS intimacy problems, HIS porn issues - have NOTHING - NOTHING - NOTHING to do with you. (yes, i know, it AFFECTS *you*, but these are HIS issues.) this is not about something you did or didn't do, its not about wearing a costume, or looking good. its HIS problem and HE needs to deal with it.


in addition to him treating you the way he is treating you re the sex -you are doing EVERYTHING else in the marriage - cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. this is not