I've had it with lack of intimacy
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I've had it with lack of intimacy
| Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:24am |
So, a little history--married three years (anniversary in one week), 30 years old, 5' 3" and 125 lbs. I've been told that I'm attractive--and I'm an intelligent caring woman. My husband is a musician and a night club manager who keeps late hours, also intelligent, also attractive. We lived together for a year before marrying and our sex life was wonderful. I'd never felt so attractive, and confident. Then we got married, and I found the Penthouse collection. No big deal, I asked him about it (and wondered why he never mentioned that he looked at porn at ANY time before in our relationship--or why I hadn't found any). We had always been able to discuss sex, likes and dislikes and I thought, "hey, if this is a new phase, let's visit it together." I'm not a huge fan of porn, mainly for reasons of stupid word usage, dumb scenarios, etc..., but I was willing. He freaked out. Started buying magazines like they were going out of style, hiding them elsewhere and our sex life was reduced to about 1 a month. Turned me down everytime I attempted to initiate sex--too tire, too sick, stomach ache, head ache, etc...So, my self esteem plummeted (and continues to do so, today). Now he buys dvds--drives 50 minutes north to the Hustler store to do so, and I have to remind him that we haven't had sex in a month or more--but he uses porn daily--just found a new dvd yesterday. This is condensed--to put all of the feelings and all of the conversations we've had about this issue in writing would be a small novel. It simply appears to me that a)he has an issue and b) it's never going away. I will give him this--it's been a year (our last anniversary, in fact) that he bought a dvd. So maybe the stash just wasn't appealing anymore, but honestly, what's wrong with his wife? What's so disgusting about me, having sex with a real female? When, after 5 or 6 months of dealing with his progressive "porn hording", I told him how awful it was making me feel--that we weren't together more, that he turned me down and sometimes it was devastating, he advised me to masturbate more to please myself and said "now you know how it feels to be a 17 year old boy" in reference to being spurned. Honestly, I don't always think sex is HOT HOT HOT, but there is an intimate connection between a man and woman (or whomever) that is necessary--it's like checking in--a recharge so to speak, "oh yeah--I remember you, I love you"... I guess now, I wonder what will help? I mean, is he simply oblivious, selfish--addicted? I mean, all of these things are possible (he is male :)). Crazy thing is, he's very loving otherwise--always hand on my knee while he drives, rubs my neck when I'm cooking dinner, makes me cocktails when we come home from work--I mean, typically, he's not unromantic, and I don't want to leave, but I do, sometimes, too.

honey, my heart goes out to you! i have lived with lack of intimacy and sex life during a seven years (which was thankfully ended two weeks ago!) and i know firsthand how degrading and
I would leave him if I was you, It's never going to end, he's way past help and is in his own little world. Any man that prefers porn at an ADDICT level over real flesh and blood is a freak! I'm male and look at porn occasionally to relieve myself but only because my wife's libido is 1/8th of mine (and like others have said, It's only a visual thing). I would take my wife over anything else!
Get out while your still young (with no kids I assume) and find yourself something closer to normal. It will be the best decision of your life!
Brent
We don't have any monetary issues and emotional support is actually alright--except he's not good with problems that I might have at work or with individuals. His knee jerk reaction is to hunt them down, or say flip things or to protect my honor somehow.
I've done all the lingerie, catholic school girl skirts and anything in the world I thought would make him want me, and it didn't work. I also seem (in my mind) to be the "mother" in our relationship, which makes me wonder if that doesn't have something to do with it--I handle finances, I do laundry, I clean, I buy his clothing --his choice--I grocery shop, I maintain all of the household work--heating repair, handyman stuff, etc...He doesn't do anything at home that would make him feel manly (by choice) so maybe that's what the porn is? Makes him feel manly--maybe I emasculate him. Throwing that one out there. I think about it every once in awhile, but honestly, if I don't get things done, they won't get done, and I can't live in filth.
Next time tell him what's in your head (you know how people get pregnant right?) I like that one! and it will put him on the spot, is answer will be lame or a quick change of topic.
Brent
p.s. If you want someone who would truly appreciate your catholic school girl getup send it my way :-) (just kidding)
Hey, thanks for a male insight. I think my catholic girl skirt is pretty hot! Pigtails and all.
Your like a mother to him! are you Italian?
My wife once did everything as well but that joy ride only lasted a few years, when I say joy ride I mean I let her do it all because she never complained and I was a lazy bum. It all comes back however and those days are long gone, we share all responsibilities now and are both much happier aside from our clashing libidos (her low, me high) hence the reason I ever look at porn! the things we do !
I can't understand why a porn addict and a high libido woman don't fit like peas in a pod, the porn must offer him something that you can't or won't (for example, he dreams about oral sex all the time and that's the one thing you won't do) I don't know, it makes no sense unless their are more serious problems that he's not opening up to.
If you ever do get what you need from this man your mind will tell you that he's doing it for the wrong reasons, that's just a s frustrating!
Brent
sweetie. HIS intimacy problems, HIS porn issues - have NOTHING - NOTHING - NOTHING to do with you. (yes, i know, it AFFECTS *you*, but these are HIS issues.) this is not about something you did or didn't do, its not about wearing a costume, or looking good. its HIS problem and HE needs to deal with it.
in addition to him treating you the way he is treating you re the sex -you are doing EVERYTHING else in the marriage - cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. this is not