Ive made a mess out of life

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Ive made a mess out of life
8
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 5:40pm
I am 40 years old and have been married for 20+ years. Sadly I am having an affair. An affair that has been going on for over 5 years now. I hate myself every day for what I'm doing. I do not love my husband and I haven't for a long time. I feel like my marriage has been one sided always giving of myself and getting nothing in return. I have always taken care of the kids and the house and worked a full time job to help pay the bills. My husband has had it made for the last 20 years. We have 2 children who he has never once taken to school or picked up from school. He very seldom even went to their ball games or dance recitals. He has never been to a parent teacher conferance. I do it all--all the time. And I think I would be ok with this if he at least cared about me. Just to let you know a little why I don't feel loved by him...He took me to the ER one night with abdominal pain they gave me a pain shot and sent me home at 2am, he left to work an extra shift and left me to take the kids to school. Later that day I drove myself back to the hospital, had emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix went through surgery, recovery, and was upstairs in a room by the time he made it to the hosp. One night I cut my finger while preparing supper and ask if he would take me to the hosp for sutures, he told me no he had a voluntary fire dept meeting. (It took weeks for that 4 inch cut to heal). He's just never been there when I felt like I really needed some one. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 25. I was alone in the hosp 3 hours from home, when the doctor told me the prognosis I felt so alone. I called my husband to come and be with me and he said no! I feel so betrayed even to this day. My husband has had sickness and I've alway been there for him. I have always been there when his family was in trouble or needed someone to be there for them. My husbands mother has not even been there for him through out his illnesses and surgeries. But I've never left his side. He performed at a benefit gospal singing and was on stage and stated "I want to dedicated this song to the person in my life that has always been there for me" the song was The Anchor Holds. I felt myself swell with pride and thought well at least he realizes what all I do, and about that time he dedicated the song to his mother. I was diagnosed with glaucoma at age 34 and was very frighened, I practically begged him to go to the doctor with me, the thought of going blind was so frightening. But of course he never went. Always too busy. He has never pitched in with housework. Never a load of laundry, or vacum a floor and heaven's sake never cleaned a toilet. He always traveled with his job. He never left me a number where he could be reached or the name of a hotel he was staying at. I would just sit back and wait for him to call every other night. I never once felt like he was having an affair. and even when my friends would tell me how stupid I was for trusting him so much I defended him tooth and nail. Once while he was away on business, his uncle passed away, I had no idea how to get in touch with him. After that I made him promise to do better. But then he felt that I was being distrusting. A few years ago his step-father died of a sudden heart-attach and again I had no way of getting in touch with him. I had to wait for his call. (but I was there with his family to offer support) Since that time he has gotten better about leaving a number and letting me know where he is. I have always been labeled as a "goody-two-shoes". Even in high school I was always the odd girl out because I did not believe in drinking or cussing or smoking or having premarital sex. I have always been the one to be up early on Sunday mornings to have breakfast cooked before church and then had to encourage the rest of the family to get up and get going. I still never drink (over 40 and I've never purchased alcohol), I've never smoked a cigarett, I've never done drugs or been in a bar. I am a God fearing Christain. Everything I've done in life I've tried to do to the glory of God. Until I met this one man. Everything good and true about me changed. My husband may not have treated me right but I know 2 wrongs don't make a right either. I never meant to fall so completely in love with someone else. I didn't even know it was possible. I have only had sex with my husband until I met this other man and I have always hated hated sex It was just a wifely chore. But when I am with this other man I feel such passion and desire. Love making with this man is so out of this world. It's not just the sex that is wonderful, it's how I feel about myself when I'm with him. To be able to have a conversation with someone, or laugh with someone feels so wonderful. My husband never even takes time to ask how my day was or how the kids are doing in school. I am so lonely. But I am also a horriable person for doing what I'm doing and I know that. I want to be a good person I honestly do. But this affair is like an addiction for me. I have broke it off so many times and I always go back. I know it's wrong and it's like I can't help myself. I will go a week without talking to him and I feel like the world is closing in on me and I just have to talk to him, to know things are ok with him. Sometimes I want to feel his arms around me so despartly I will lock myself in the bathroom and cry for hours. He has even moved away and I felt that would be the end but of course I cont to find ways to see him and to talk to him. I have prayed so long and so hard for God to help mend my ways and I still just can't seem to do what I know is right. If your wondering why I don't leave..I don't know. Fear a guess. My husband has shown a tendancy toward violence. But he is a well loved person in our community, and no one would ever believe that. He was even named Law Enforcement Officer of the year for our intire state. He has a very good working relationship with every attorny in our small town. And my kids. What if he did get custody, I can't leave them -- they're all I got and I am all they've ever had. How did I make such a mess out of life. I'm not being fair to my husband, myself, or to the love of my life. Death seems to be the only answer most days. I wish I could be assured my kids would be OK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 6:31pm

How old are the children?

Sounds like you needed a divorce long ago.

A good lawyer will be fair, and a good judge will be fair, too. They know that everyone has "dirty laundry."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 10:19pm

"I am a good God fearing Christian" this is quite possibly the worst phrase ever spawned by Christianity. God is your friend, Jesus is your friend and our friends don't like to see us in pain so stop asking God to help you mend your evil ways and start praying for the ability to love and honor yourself and see the truth of the situation with grace and wisdom.

EVERYONE deserves to feel loved and valued and your life is a nightmare. You have given all of your power to your husband, to your community, to your reputation, to your fears and self-judgment. Start taking it back. You're having an affair - who wouldn't with your life? We cannot survive this world without affection. There have been studies, we need comfort, we need physical contact. This affair is trying to teach you something so instead of tying yourself to that imaginary whipping post and watching yourself bleed take the time to learn from it. You have learned that you are an alive and vibrant woman and maybe the circumstances are not ideal but I would say they are screaming at you to get out of this marriage and honor yourself.

When I divorced my first husband I went into spiritual crises and then I came across a book that said if God were present in the relationship it could not break. Doing things and being the good girl does not bring you closer to God. We are put on this earth to serve the greater good of mankind and that is impossible to do when you are living in hell with a man who abuses and neglects you. God would rather see your light shine in love, joy and happiness than extinguished by the pain you are so fully engulfed in. Jesus did not preach fear and damnation. He encouraged tolerance and love, patience and understanding.

Look into therapy and I would advise to stay away from religious counselors. No disrespect but they are often based in judgment, fear and blame which will not help you at all.

Death is not the answer. Loving yourself beyond an image, beyond what others may think or believe is where your salvation lies. It's scary I know, but it's possible with faith and you're going to have to amend your beliefs about God. God does not want you to suffer, God does not want you to be afraid and God most certainly does not want you to let others determine your value in this life.

Imagine Jesus is your trusted friend and when you pray let it be along the lines of... "Jesus, I know you know my heart and my needs better than I do and this life, this pain, this fear have become bigger than I am and more than I can bare alone, so I surrender it all to you with absolute faith that you will heal me and guide me in your wisdom and love, filling me with strength and courage every step of the way. For this I say thank you - AMEN!" And believe it. You are not alone.

Peace and blessings to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 10:43pm

Hi Sjmystic! I'm ITA w/you. Good to "see" you back around again. Take care and my blessings to you and yours!

P.S. - to the OP, please take heed of Sjmystic's advice. She knows of what she speaks.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:30am
Thanks! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 11:38am
Thank you so much for your kind words. I have kept this dark secret all to myself for so long, I never imagined someone would actually understand. To think that someone knows what an awful thing I'm doing, and not be judgemental is unreal to me. I struggle so hard with my religous values and just to have someone remind me that God doesn't want to see me in pain is quite reassuring. I don't want to get to a point where I justify what I doing though.
If I did get serious about leaving my husband where would I start? (You mentioned you had been divorced.)My kids are older -- my daughter is 19 but still lives at home (and has several medical problems, she has heart disease and kidney disease, and takes 19 pills a day. She is really not at a point were I can send her away to college. She has only been away from me long enough to go on short mission trips with our church, 5 days at the most.)My son is 17 and will be a senior at high school. I can't leave him and I don't think I could stay in the same small town that we now live in. Not only is my husband in law enforcement, but his whole family is. His mother is a Police Capt. I have seen such harrasment when his brother divorced. Do I wait until my son graduates. I fear that there will be nothing left of me if I cont to stay. I feel that I'm beat down everyday. Everyday I wake up I am mad at God that I didn't die in my sleep. I know -- how can I expect anyone to believe that I am a Christain. Uh?
I know you're not my personal counselor but anymore advise would be so greatly appriciated. My mother has passed away, and my father has terminal cancer, I can't bother him with my problems, and I have no other family. I'm to ashamed to talk to my freinds. This is the first time I've ever used the internet, but I'm so desperate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 12:33pm

The first step is knowing you need to make a change and believing you can create something better. It doesn't have to happen overnight. Counseling would help you immensely to create a strongwr sense of yourself as you prepare to take your life in a new direction. Depression and desperation come from the fear and belief that we are powerless, when we are so attached to our pictures of how things should be and how they are that we cannot even conceive of possibilities for something better. We cling to what we know in fear of what we don't.

Waiting for your son to be done with high school gives you time to do some inner healing and build up your confidence and strength. I don't recall what your status is in the affair right now but I would not add the grief of losing something that reminds you of your value to everything else you will need to undertake to move forward. Your heart needs this like your lungs need oxygen. I understand your anger at God but personally I think God sent you the man you're having the affair with to bring you back to life. I am about as anti-affair as a person can get but I am not beyond the understanding that sometimes people need just that to take a good hard look at their lives - it's a gift. I know you struggle with the moral implications but really if this man had not brought you back to life you would never have known the joy of passion, love, acceptance and appreciation.

If you don't work, figure out a job, start paying off bills, start putting some money aside. Talk to an attorney. Most give free consultations. Having a general idea of what to expect will help you to feel less fearful. With your kids grown you will be free to move wherever you want so imagine the possibilities and kick any idea of lack and limitation to the curb.

We live and learn and grow through our mistakes and pain. Funny that Jesus admonishes us not to judge yet Christians are so righteous in their judgment of others and so harsh with themselves. Be at peace. God knows your heart and soul and believe me he is ready, willing and able to support you in loving kindness in ALL things.

Jesus would not judge you or condemn you and neither would any true Christian. Find a safe place to start you life over.

You can email me offline if you like.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2007
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 3:59pm

Once again thank you so much for your encouraging words. I have read and re-read your first comment and each time I read it, it's like a feel a less and less like such a horrible person. Were you a battered wife? Your comments seem so kind and so compasionate like you understand where I'm coming from.

I am still involved in my affair. Most days it's my only hope. Just the possibility that I am worthy of someone's love and affection helps me make it through really difficult times. I often close my eyes and daydream of our time together, walking, talking, taking comfort in one another. Very stupid for a 40 year old to day dream, uh? One of the things that I love the most is the fact that we laugh together, all the time. It feels so good to laugh. There is never laughter in my home, and I hate that. When it's just me and my son at home we dance around the living room and sing and act stupid and laugh, but never when my husbands home. He tells me to act like an adult and stop acting stupid. I love to watch comedies, but my husband has never watched them with me, it's not fun to laugh when you have to laugh alone.

I do work, I have a very good job,it doesn't pay that great but it allows me to take care of my daughter and get her to doctor appointments as needed. That's another thing my husband just doesn't help with. He's been there through her surgeries but that's about it. I am a nurse, and a Paramedic,(which my husband won't allow me to work as a medic because there are too many males in that prefession). Currently I work as a social worker of all things, for pregnant moms. Helping people get out of abusive situations. Why can't I practice what I preach. I almost feel ashamed to admit what I do for a living. Some situations seem so much worse than my own, I stop and think what am I complaining about. Not that I complain in public, just in my heart. Everyone in our community referrs to our family as the "Brady Bunch". It's like each day I get up and leave the house I have to tell myself "OK It's time to live the lie" and I put on a smile and go about day to day living. But I feel myself dying inside. (faster and faster) Other comments I've read on other pages say quit feeling sorry for yourself and take your life into your own hands. Maybe the people that wrote them had other family for support, or wasn't giving up the only security they've had for twenty years. Having a chronicly sick child doesn't help even if she is 19.

I don't mean to sound like I'm on the pitty bus, I would not be pouring my heart and soul out if I thought anyone I knew would find out. I just feel like I'm drowning and just wanted some advise. I knew that many would not agree with the life I'm living, but I never thought I would find one that would actually be encouraging. Just from 2 comments I don't feel as alone as I did yesterday when I first woke up. Not everyone can understand that. Undoubtly you can.. thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 7:11pm

I grew up in an abusive home. The physical abuse was always against my mother but there was sexual abuse and mental and emotional abuse. I married an emotionally abusive man. The thing is, it started out so slowly and there was a great deal of passive-agressive stuff going on that by the time he got comfortable telling me what a bitch I am I had become this pathetic, insecure person I did not even know or like anymore.

I went on anti-depressants for awhile. Support outside the home is crucial - it's the isolation that keeps you stuck in the pattern and believing there is no hope. There comes a point where we simply have to give ourselves permission to feel good. Ideally that would be a trusted friend or counselor but we can't say no to the gift of love because it's not packaged in a way that is morally acceptable. I think more often than not affairs make a bad situation worse and hurt everyone all the way around but there are times when they can be a lifeline to something better. That's what is known as the exit affair. It's the affair that gives you the strength and courage to leave a harmful, unhealthy relationship.

I'm 45 and I have not given up hope of creating a healthy relationship someday. It is not stupid at all to have something to look forward to in life - we live longer that way. I totally get the dancing around with your son thing. I'm the same way. I can be more myself when my husband isn't around and I don't have it nearly as bad as you do.

You are very good at helping others because you have a kind, compassionate heart having been there. It's always easy to see more clearly into someone else's life than it is to examine our own. And as far as the pity party goes and other people making judgments, it's a process that you will work through in your own good time. I beat myself bloody sometimes for still being married and a friend of mine emailed me and said ..."Yeah you may not be divorced yet but that does not define your progress" then he went on to remind me how far I've come. It has helped me immensely to have a friend who doesn't judge and supports me as I go through my paces.

You are fortunate enough to have an education that will support you getting out of the marriage. That's my stumbling block - no job - no education. Take your career in whatever direction you need to propel yourself out of the marriage and don't give your husband permission to allow or dis-allow this for you.

Susan Jeffers has two great books you may want to look at, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and Embracing Uncertainty.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself. Anytime you need someone to remind you how deserving you are of love and happiness just come back here and post to me. I'll be happy to remind you. :)