I've really done it this time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
I've really done it this time
9
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 12:48pm
Hi everyone,

I haven't written about the problems in my love life for a long time. But this is the worst point I've ever been at so I really need some excellent advice, encouragement and friendship...

Here it goes... I had been dating my soulmate, "Bob" for 2 1/2 years before what I am about to tell you happened. For the most part we had a strong relationship, with the regular up's and down's that any couple faces. Well in mid-July, I met another man. We never hit it off physically, I only considered and wanted him as a friend. Then the boyfriend of 2 1/2 years finds out and wreaks havoc...

First, he breaks into my most prominent e-mail account and peruses some confidential e-mails intended for the eyes of my best girlfriend only. Then he took the liberty of forwarding my writings to this new guy. He never stopped to think(or ASK ME!) for one second that nothing was going on. "Bob" calls it cheating. I call it being unsure and delving into new friendships.

Regardless, that was the last night that "Bob" and myself spoke, up until recently. This other man... we shall call him "Sal," was in my life up until 2 weeks ago. We remained plutonic and I was so devastated that I tried hard to keep one of them in my life. Big mistake. "Sal" could not get over "Bob's" doings, and they conversed on a regular basis(as far as I know) over the internet. Regardless, the book is completely shut with "Sal." If he didn't trust me from day one, he should have never offered me his friendship. Plus, he has a few other screws loose that I shall skip over.. including being a heavy drinker.

The entire time I was away from "Bob," I thought about him 24/7. In the presence of others... all I thought/dreamt/breathed was "Bob." This past Sunday, "Bob" left me a message asking about the health of my dog(which he had formed a strong connection with over our 2 1/2 years together) and we started talking casually again. We talked Sunday evening on the phone for over one hour. I had analyzed my wrong-doings and character problems during the time in which I was not speaking to "Bob" and I have come to the conclusion that not only do I feel as strongly in love with him as I did then... my growth as a person over the past month to month in a half has been gigantic. I have since let him know.. through a "heart on the line" sort of e-mail that I want him back and that I am willing to do anything to get him. Straight to the point and no beating around the bush anymore.

"Bob" has returned the feelings in one way or another. Talking last night he did say he loved me amidst our conversation. But at this moment, I feel like I am the one that is pushing 100% to make things work out between us. He seems strangely indifferent. I mean, I can't blame him for being hurt, and I can't blame him for being upset. In retrospect, I have every reason to be more upset than he is for the tactics used in unravelling what once connected all three of us. I never had an ounce of emotional connection or feeling for "Sal" and now realize that I want "Bob" back with all of my heart. And as superficial as this sounds, I am willing to work on anything to give "Bob" the woman that he deserves. Is there any reason why he is being so closed off to me? The "Bob" I remember is very open about his love and his feelings for me... and we have established that he hasn't fallen out of love... so why is he being so "safe" in the way he talks to me?

I want to know what everyone thinks I should do. We have arranged a meeting for tomorrow; A meeting in which we will list and discuss everything that has pushed our buttons and what made us insanely happy in the past 2 1/2 years. As I understand from our conversation yesterday, "Bob" wants to make it work also. Which I am glad to hear. This is my new concern however: "Bob" has made it VERY clear that we have to start as friends again and re-gain trust. Understandable. However, what I am unwilling to put up with is any physicality with other parties. I, for one, am planning to stick to making us work. No men until I know whether we are working out or whether this is closure. Do I have the right to ask for the same thing? He was my first lots of things... he was the man whom I gave my virginity to. I don't want to be disrespected by him playing the field in the process of our growth and development.

Does anyone have any suggestions what I should make known tomorrow? I don't plan on holding a singly thing back.. be it good or bad. But is there somewhere that I should draw the line? We've been everything from boyfriend and girlfriend to fiancees, to broken up(for the past month.) What I do know for sure is that I love him with every fibre of my heart, body and soul and I cannot bare to lose him. He truly is the one and only love in my life, and of that I am now sure. How should I prepare myself? For the best? And for the worst?

Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:02pm
I'm sorry to hear about what you and bob are going through, but I have to say bob has every right to want to take things slow and safe. in my opinion what you did wasn't right if you truely loved himas much as you say, Sal never would have crossed your mind that way. the way I see it you cheated on him. I don't mean physicaly but emotionaly, I just went through some thing close to what bob did. but my ex did leave me for the other guy and now she's misserable. The new guy told her everything she wanted to hear and as soon as she left me he did a total 180 and turned into everything she hates about guy's. The grass always apears to be greener on the other side right. it might take a very long time to rebuild the trust that he once had for you. I'm sorry if I'm comeing across like I'm calling you a bad person cause that is not my intention at all. I just want you to know my perpective on things but if bob say's he wants to try to work things out great. but my only advice I can give you is sit down and think about why you were atracted to another man. is there something lacking in your relationship with bob? is there part of you that does want to play the feild before you settle down with one man for the rest of life? there are so many things that you have to figure out for yourself, about yourself before you and bob can move on together or apart.

I wish you the best of luck

opsicle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:30pm
Hi Opsicle,

No I am not interested in playing the field one bit. It's not my style. Point is... I had a learning experience. A really terrible one, but if it makes things better than they were in the long run, than I value the lesson.

Regardless, nothing happened and I'm glad "Bob" is giving me another chance to redeem myself. I have never done it to him in the past. As for why I was looking... I wasn't... a friend presented itself and I wanted to make a new one.

There is nothing wrong with that. What I do admit is that I wasn't honest about it. If I had been, I think things would be MUCH different right now. "Bob" jumped to the wrong conclusion.. and I am not to blame for that part. He could have asked me about it first, before doing what he did...

B

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:39pm
That sounds so much like my situation. My bf done the same thing (getting into my email) and he made a big deal out of some things that were harmless. I know I love him with everything I've got and am willing to do anything to make things work, but at the same time I don't want to be his door mat. My b/f and I have a lot in common and we know each other so well. I hope things work out for you. I'm going to see my guy tonight and hopefully it turns out for the best. Keep in touch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:12pm
Okay...so you met Sal and became friends with him. First, I don't see the problem there. I'm married and I still think other guys are cute and maybe get a little gitty at times, but that doesn't mean I want to be with them, or I'm going to sleep with them. I think it's healthy, if you don't act on it. I don't know from your post...did you get physical with him at all? Kissing, hugging a lot, sleeping together? If not, I don't see where the problem is.

Second, what right does Bob have going into your e-mail? I mean, I admit after my husband asked me to look for some e-mail in his in box I did snoop, and I do feel bad and it was wrong. However, I confronted him about it. I didn't e-mail some chick in there, and I certainly didn't go out of control, and I'm extremely jealous. Personally, I'd be furious if ANYONE did what "Bob" did. He had no right to do that, and he even kept in contact with Sal afterwards? My advice is get rid of both guys. That's totally unacceptable. Does he even care that he did that?

Anyway, since I'm pretty sure you are going to try and stay together with him anyway, I think it's good to keep things slow. That way you can be together, see if you both want things to progress and maybe start from scratch. Maybe you should hurry and write your pros and cons because I think you need to really think about why you want to be with this guy. I mean, he finds out you are friends with a guy, breaks into your e-mail, reads your most personal thoughts to your friends freaks out (which is actually scarey) and e-mails your friend all of your personal thoughts? That's crazy to me. He might be a nut.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 5:19pm
I guess my only question now is if he was only a friend then why would you hide him. I'm getting the feeling that your not telling us the entire story. like why would he even think of checking you email unless he you were acting like you were hideing some thing.

please again don't take this the wrong way I'm just still trying to get the whole story

Opsicle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:41pm
I am going to try to answer Lynmusic and Opsicle in one shot here.

Basically, Lynmusic... I was as annoyed and upset as I gathered you were from reading my post. He had no right to do what he di. And of course it's acceptable to get gitty at certain times. It's human nature. Nothing physical happened. NOTHING what so ever. Plutonic friends only.

As for Opsicle, I started seeing my girlfriends alot more often in the weeks leading up to the situation. That the man I loved was fearful is totally not my problem. I not only called him to tell him where I was and with who, but I've only ever told one falsity. And it was meager. It was about who actually drove me and my girlfriends to a club one night. And it's not like I was out one on one with guys... it was always with a bunch of my girlfriends and friends.

I already said I don't feel now that I should have kept my friendship a secret. Maybe I was predicting exactly what happened? Who knows. In Lynmusic thinking that the guy is a nut... I thought so to, up until very recently. I put my anger to the side and thought about all of the positive things that "bob" has been in my life. I don't have a single complaint about him.

The big talk is tomorrow morning. I guarantee I won't post between now and then... but I will post the "progress" as soon as I get back and log onto a computer.

And to notgettingany... glad you are seeing your boyfriend tonight. :) He seems to be much more understanding than mine is at the moment. And I am giving him my heart on a platter... funny how that works.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 4:39pm
Hi everyone.

Just got back from my talk with the love of my life which I so foolishly regret giving up.

It was a good talk. I got things off my chest. He did one in the same. Regardless, what he did make totally clear was that we can't go back to how we were. Things weren't so great as we ended our relationship, so when/if we do get back to that level, things will have to be different.

"Bob" made his view adament that we have to start from the beginning. He wants to start with being friends. He wants to know that I can handle being there for him in certain situations and that I put my best foot forward in comforting him. Makes sense to me. I don't feel the same way though. In this way, we are NOT on the same page. I do not want to be just friends. I know from now and from before that once he is single he attracts women very easily. Well, naturally he would, he is extremely good looking and with the heart of gold to match. I did learn today that he had dated someone in our time apart, but that it's over between them now because the girls ex-boyfriend came into the picture.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should work this one out? I made it totally clear that I will NOT be seeing other guys. He said if a guy wants to take me out, go to the movies or buy me and drink at a club that I should let him... if I want to. Just the point... I don't!!! I love him and only him and he has my entire heart. When I asked if he would be seeing other girls... he said, "I dunno." So that sounded very convincing to a girl that just spilt the beans about every feeling she's had and has. Then I asked again cuz I didn't think I dunno was a good enough response and he said, once this girl comes back into town and I break it off I am gonna be single. That gave me the message that he would be single, but he never did say anything in the lines of because he wants us to work out as much as I do. This is what I find sketchy about this situation.

The talk was really good. I am extremely glad and extremely relieved.. and extremely in love again. I remember now what it was like to be totally head over heels for him... the way it was when we first started dating. Regardless, I am very afraid of where this might lead. Friends isn't good enough for me and that is the bottom line. I need him to earn my trust back too... what he did with the e-mails was VERY wrong.. and today he did not even apologize for it. He admitted that "it was wrong but that "sal" had a right to know about me." That is B.S. Anyways, I will keep everyone posted on a day to day progress. He wrapped his arms around me a couple times to comfort me(cuz I was crying) so in that sense, he has not distanced himself to the fullest. We also hugged at our departure. We also decided to talk every night, just like we used to and say goodnight to eachother, because that is when we need eachother the most. So I would say from the jist of our conversation, that things are looking positive and I am very happy. But what should I do should he start dating another girl? I just will NOT be able to handle that.... I never had a regret in life until now... and it is losing the man of my dreams.

He is certainly not making things easy for us...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 3:52pm
Hi everyone,

I had another chat today with the love of my life. I am clearer about how he feels today than I was yesterday when we actually spoke in person.

Still the situation remains... "friends" first. How crummy. :( I will try to do my best with the option presented, but I don't know how long I will be able to fight the feeling to be more. He is doing a good job putting on a front... but me, I've cried through a lot of yesterday, and even more this morning. 2 1/2 years together is too much to lose overnight.

B

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 5:06pm
I haven't read any of the replies you have gotten so far, but I nearly choked when I read this:

Is there any reason why he is being so closed off to me?

Hon, you betrayed him, as in an emotional affair, sharing intimate, emotional stuff, building a relationship with another guy. I'm not saying what he did was right either.

If you two are serious, consider couple's counseling.


Carrie