I'WANT MY SELF BACK

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
I'WANT MY SELF BACK
1
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 6:56pm
3 years ago I met a girl I was 21 years old and she was 19. We spent together 2 years of the most beautiful relationship.Somehow I starting liking other girls, I used to watch pornography once in a while but somehow I realized that I got addicted to it.However I didnt stop loving her but pornography affected our relationship a little bit because of the fact that I wanted to have sex with other girls.I'm stupid I know.I'm a respectful person I never cheated on her. I know I was wrong and I knew that I was insecure but at the same time I knew that I loved her a lot, I just couldnt stop watching porno and masturbating while she was there for me cheering me up and making my life happier than ever.I'm from south america, and I have the opportunity to move down here a year and a half ago.When we were together,I helped her to get over a lot of problems,even drugs, this helped us to increased our love and start thinking about marriage.She loved me a lot, I can tell. So we wanted to get married but our parents didnt want to because we were so young.( i belong to a conservative and underdeveloped country)Then the nightmare began, I had a strong discussion with her family because I didnt agree with them and I disrespected them, finally I came here and we promised to give us a time to let things calm down.Some how our distance relationship survived for five months and she came to marry me but again her family was against everything and a couple of days later she left.Since then we both got crazy and really deppressed she tryed to suicide, I came back to my country to escape and marry her but we realizaed it was an stupid idea.I then got confused, because I didnt want to to accept someone else in my live, i kept watching porno, but i was blaming my self because i felt i could avoid this stupid ending to our relationship. i starting looking at girls and telling my self not to fall in love, getting confused and confused, I started liking other girls but I kept telling my self no to do so, at the same time I couldnt stop watching porno, I fanally got so depresed i started having nightmares, I got panic attacks,I started thinking that our love is imposible and that things will get worse like me dying of a heart attack or becoming gay!!!.Finally I know she have dated some one else, I dont get it, I know her family hates me and she is trying to forget about me, but she still calls me to tell me that she still loves me even if she dated some one else.My heart is broken and my mind is destroyed I have tryed to meet another girl but it has been impossible, i dont know what to do, I stopped watching porno a lot because I'm afraid of it, i'm afraid of becoming gay or something like that. I like some girls but I cant start a relationship, i try not to talk to her because It hurts,It has been almost 2 years since the last day I saw her I havent kiss anybody, I havent have a date and when she calls I just got confused. What should I do,besides the gay thing has become a fobia, I dont know what I like any more, I still cry...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:35am
I don't think posting on a message board is going to help you at all. You need professional help, and after two years of going thru this private hell, I am more than surprised you haven't decided to start helping yourself yet.