Jealous

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Jealous
12
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:02pm
I don't know what to do! My girlfriend is part of an amateur dance performance troupe. Part of this requires costume changes between numbers backstage, where there isn't a dressing room. I have accepted the fact that this is just a part of performance, but it still really bothers me knowing that 1/2 dozen men have seen her in her underwear. In addition, one of the women-only numbers requires a backless costume in which they must remove their bras. Since the guys aren't in the number, they're just hanging out backstage while the girls are briefly standing around in nothing more than a thong. I spend time with these guys socially, and I know their intentions aren't dishonorable towards her, but I still have a serious problem knowing they've seen her almost completely nude. This has greatly affected the intimacy in our relationship to the point that every time she changes clothes at home or takes a shower, I don't even want to be in the same room. She says I'm being "stupid" about this, and it's not a big deal. Again, I respect her, and am very proud of her involvement on the dance team. However, I don't think it's unnatural for me to be jealous of this. Thoughts??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: istressedout
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:15pm
Wow, you are one lucky man!!! All those men get get to see your gf nearly naked, but only YOU get to see her completely naked and only YOU get to touch her, feel her, and be intimate with her!!!

Drop the jealously, embrace what you have with her, and make the most of it.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
In reply to: istressedout
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:19pm
Thank you for your advice. Tell me, though: are you comfortable in such little state of undress in front of 6 other men? If your SO was in a position to stand naked in front of other women, would that honestly not bother you in the least?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: istressedout
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:40pm
I understand how you might feel, I tend to be jealous and most of the time it is completely unfounded, considering I trust my bf immensely. You just can't rationalize it sometimes, and sometimes it take a lot of effort to just push it aside. You just have to take the time to run over and over in your head that there is no threat to your relationship here. Its kind of what women deal with when their guys look at other women, which is common thing with everyone. There really isn't anything you can do about it, you can't tell her to quit, why would you want her to resent you, and why would you want her to quit, that's such a cool job for your girlfriend to have, and you can't tell these male dancers to stay away, you might look crazy. You just have to pick your battles, I have learned to do that myself, try not letting your emotions dictate all your actions and anything you say to your mate, you might cause problems that you will regret later. But I do understand that it isn't always easy to let go of. You just have to.

 

Tiffany

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: istressedout
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:49pm
Well, I've never been in that state of undress infront of six other men. Unless you consider being in a bikini at a beach around lots of men a similar thing...and that never bothered me. As far as my SO being naked infront of other women, I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't worry about it either. I trust him immensely and I would get a bit of a kick knowing those women are checking out what only I can have.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: istressedout
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:55pm
What a tough profession and a tough position for you to be in. The guys standing around, I wonder how their girlfriends feel about them watching the other gals in the troupe changing?

For some reason there is an acceptance of this kind of thing happening in the world of dance/film/movies, etc. maybe that is why I couldn't be in that field, I wouldn't want people watching me undress, no more than I would want them to undress in front of me.

Not sure how you resolve this. Sorry.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
In reply to: istressedout
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:08pm
I wouldn't say you were being jealous. To me it's just inappropriate behaviour on her part, or it's inappropriate for the organization to allow (force) this. Yea, yea, they're artists, blah, blah, blah. They should be allowed the opportunity to dress themselves in proper facilities. There is no reason they can't at least dress behind a screen.

I can tell you that I would have serious problems dating a stripper and it would have nothing to do with them being in some erotic environment. It is simply that she would have such little modesty that she could get naked in front of a bunch of other people like that. There would be a serious conflict of personalities and notions of right and wrong. I just could not consider myself compatible with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: istressedout
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:30pm
Actually, I wouldn't be afraid to ask her to dress behind something, especially if it would mean that much to you - your partner should never want you to be unhappy in anyway if they can fix it. That chit chat can wait a whole five minutes while she changes, and resume immediately - doesn't seem to hard. I would relate that when I get attention as a female, my boyfriend feels prideful, just like what someone mentioned: what they may look at, they can't have, only you - but its a little more serious if I were chatting it up in a thong.

 

Tiffany

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: istressedout
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:35pm

i think i find this terribly degrading to the women in the group, that they have to undress in that way. I totally understand your feelings - its not that anyone is cheating, its not that these guys are anything BUT honorable, and yet, i find it simply disrespectful to the women to have to sit around or stand around half naked.


now, this is making you feel uncomfortable, you told her how you feel, maybe "jealous" is not the right term to be using. maybe SHE is also feeling uncomfortable, but doesn't want to rock the boat? sorry, I don't know what to tell you, but if this is affecting your relationship then you might want to consider couple's counseling so that you both can tell the other how you are feeling in a safe environment, and maybe come to an agreeable solution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
In reply to: istressedout
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 4:39pm
I would like to thank everyone for their input; it actually further validates the point I'm trying to make with my girlfriend: everyone's different. Some people on this post found it ok, exciting even, knowing someone else would glimpse their SO in various states of undress, knowing that they still come home to you. Others view it as inappropriate and would not be comfortable in the position I'm in. Bottom line: we were all raised differently, and have a lifetime of experiences behind each of us that makes us think the way we do. Some people aren't as modest as others; others could no more remove their clothing in front of a group of people as they could jump off a building.

I'm still at a loss as to what to do. I love her, and do not want to end the relationship over this matter. However, I find our intimacy greatly impacted by this. Since the original posting, I have spent time socially with some of the guys on her dance team. Mind you, this isn't professional, no one gets paid for this. One in particular has taken a liking to my girlfriend which borders on inappropriate, and knowing he's seen her almost nude is just one more piece this puzzle doesn't need. He has made comments on how attractive she is and how her choice of lingerie is great.

Honestly, how am I supposed to deal with that? There is no professional courtesy here! He's looking and he likes what he sees; my reaction is not unwarranted. I guess I am resigned to my original choices: stay and deal with it, or leave.

Thanks again, all. Just needed to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
In reply to: istressedout
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 2:51pm
As I said earlier, I don't think it would be too much for you to ask YOUR gf to change behind something for a minute and resume comraderie right after. Have you posed any compromises to her? And was she receptive? It would bother me knowing that others are making it known they enjoy this experience. She should want to assauge your fears, not brush them off.

 

Tiffany

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