Jealous and insecure GF

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Jealous and insecure GF
4
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 8:43pm
Hello from Texas!

I am having some problems with my girlfriend's jealousy and insecurities. Let me start off by saying that I am 29 and she is 22 and we have been dating for a year and a half. When we first started dating I knew she had jealousy issues but lately they have been out of control and I have begun to distance myself from her because I really can't deal with listening to her.

To start off with she is jealous of my ex-fiance who I broke up with over FIVE years ago. She has grilled me about her in the past and always thinks that I am going to go back to her even though my ex had been with another man for 2 years and she is pregnant with his baby. I just feel like I am never going to hear the end of it about my ex.

Also she is EXTREMELY jealous of my best friends girlfriend. My best friends girlfriend and I almost hooked up three years ago and my GF heard about it one way or the other. We never ended up dating because we didn't want to ruin our friendship but my GF thinks that I still want to be with her even though her and my best friend are madly in love and getting married in September. (Noticing the pattern!?!?) My GF always has to find faults with my best friends GF and makes sure I am aware of her "faults" (physical, material and personality-wise). My GF is constantly trash talking about her and she is a genuinely nice person. She has never done anything to my GF and she likes my GF and has no idea that she talks bad about her when no one else is around. I'm sure that she would not like her if she knew what my GF says about her. This is a problem since we hang out with them almost weekly and I don't want to discontinue my friendship with them over this.

She has neglected all her friends. When I try to get her to go out with her friends without me she cries and accuses me of not wanting to be with her and if she does go out with them which is rare she calls me constantly to see where I am and who I am with. It is getting on my last nerve. After we have a fight about this stuff she acts like nothing happened the next day and is all lovey dovey again.

Also when we are out with a group of people, she is all over me and talks about what a good relationship we have like she is trying to prove something to everyone else. "Nobody's relationship is as good as me and MY boyfriends!" (That is what it seems like she is trying to say.)

But other than that she really is a sweet, caring, beautiful person. I think she needs help for her insane insecurity problems. I am obvioulsy commited to her but it seems like she is always wanting more out of me. Do you think it is the age difference and she is just really immature for her age. Do you think this is something she will grow out of? I am too old to be dealing with this high school BS and I am hoping it is something she will get over. When she is not acting jealous I really like to be around her. I am also wondering if she is obsessed with me.

Is this relationship worth working on or should I walk away?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:54am
goodoleboy...

Pianoguy began to hum the Waylon Jennings tune (from the TV series: DUKES OF HAZZARD) as he was reading your post. "just a good ole boy...."

Gotta question for you though...

Why are you interested in staying with a woman who is NEGATIVE about other women? It doesn't matter if you have an EX-Fiancee or work with an attractive lady---the comments will be the same.

I'm a little puzzled by your paragraph about your best friend and your girlfriend being 'madly in love' and planning to marry in September. Is she really the jealous party...or ARE YOU?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 3:14am
Hi,

just wanna post some reply on what i think..hope it helps.

Your gf is insecure and jealous because she cares and loves you. If she do not love/care about you, she wont bother to be jealous right?

I know that your ex-fiance had broke up 5yrs ago, maybe ur gf is jealous of how intimate you and your ex-finance used to be? Maybe you can listen to what she has to say, be patient with her, tell her how much you love her, how much she meant to you and ur ex-finance is all in the past. TEll her how u feel about her insecurities and jealousy, and assure her that your heart only have her and no space for other girls.

For the issue of your bestfriend girlfriend issue, i think is that you are ALMOST hooked up with her before, and since you are ALMOST hooked up, she scared that your feeling for her will grow back again as you mention that it happened since you all hang out weekly together..Since you all hang out weekly together, you see your bestfriend gf more often and MAYBE when ur gf see her, she start to insecure again..How about you spend time alone with ur gf, make her feel happy and u can tell her about ur bestfriend girlfriend. BUT, one thing, you must NEVER side with your bestfriend girlfriend. Or else, ur gf insecurities/jealousy might start again. But, this doesnt mean that you should side with ur gf though she unreasonable..You can tell her nicely,explain nicely. I think she would listen.

I learn that ur gf had neglected all her friends and called constantly to check where are you and who are you with. Maybe u can tell her not to call so often, cos answering the phone while you are with ur fren will cut the conversation that u and ur fren may be having.and maybe u can promise her that u will call her now and then..

I think a good relationship is hard to find. And, if u think that she is the one u want to spend the rest of ur life together, maybe you can have it worked out rather than running away from it. Findind someone u love and loves u back is hard.Treasure =)

Above all is my suggestion and how i see this issue, i hope this help

Good luck to u.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 6:20am
Ever hear of the saying "RED FLAG"???? Jealousy is a controlling behavior. A person that is lacks self assteem...self confidence. This is her problem..she owns it..not you. Life with her, without getting professional help, will be hell for you.

It starts off slow, then before you know it...a jealous person..especially to this obessive level, will have you disassociating yourself from those she feels threatened. And when it's all said and done, you have given up your friends, your aquantiances because you find it easier than having to deal with the fights/disagreements that are associated with her behaviour. Before you know it..you've lost all your friends, this way she doesnt have to obsess about who you are talking to..who you are with...but it never stops...it's an obsessive behavior. And in the end, you are alone, and still dealing with this behavior from the check out clerk at the local grocery store, to a co-worker.

She needs to get professional help...because this is not going to go away ...ever! without it. And if she refuses...then you know your answer. Do you want to live like this?? Because it wont get better...and its you that loses out in the end...you've lost your friends, your life over someone that has completely controlled your life. Is that a relationship??? a Healthly one???

Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 8:55am
Hi goodoleboy1974,

I have actually been in this situation. When I read the subject title I just thought 'gosh, someone else out there has experienced this, too!'.. because at the time, it was so weird, and so *difficult* for everyone involved.

It's not just one thing that can be blamed for this.. it's not that your girlfriend is insane, ok? She sounds like she's a very (hyper-)sensitive person right now, and she needs some help from her friends, family, and you. Hopefully, everyone around her hasn't given up on her just yet. Hopefully, eventually, she will realize where she went wrong and not allow herself to get so upset in the future. She is, for whatever reason, now way beyond the normal level of insecurity.. We all have some insecurities, and that's normal, but she has allowed her self-esteem to plummet, and her jealousies are sprialling out of control.

She might have some recent disappointments in her life, like maybe she's not going to the university she wanted to go to or maybe she doesn't like her job, or she doesn't have a job, or maybe she's gained weight.. something is the foundation of her very, very low self-image.

Now she sees these other girls around you as major, major threats and she's afraid that she is second best in your eyes. She doesn't understand why you want to be with her when these other girls might be so much better.. (I'm not saying they are, I'm just showing you what she might be thinking).. She might be thinking, 'well, they are in loving relationships, and their boyfriends committed to them and now they have happy lives so those girls must be better than me.. therefore my boyfriend (i.e. you) must be with me only because these other girls are no longer available.'

I agree with everyone who has responded to your post. But I do believe there *is* something you can do to help her, to a point, but she has a tough road ahead before she can be in a stable relationship without all these dramatic ups and downs.

You might need to break up with her, if only for your own personal well-being, and this will be the quickest way for her to learn that her self-esteem and self-imagne comes from within herself, not from you or anyone else.

But if you're not quite ready to break up with her, and if you are willing to go through a bit of a relationship "boot-camp" for her, then I would suggest having a talk with her when the two of you are having a good day.. you know, when she's acting as if nothing happened and trying to show how "good" a relationship the two of you have. But like I said, this is going to feel like you're putting 100% into this relationship and she's putting 0%, and it might feel like that for a while. So, well, I guess just brace yourself for it.

Sit her down and tell her nice things about her first like you love her or think she's special or beautiful, but then tell her how things aren't going too well and you think you need to work on this jealousy business. Tell her that you want it to stop because you love her and want to stay together and be a happy couple like it was in the beginning. Also try not to blame her, but rather talk about what other things might be bothering her that might be making her think that she's not worth being with (i.e. the disappoinments I mentioned above). The problem is not the jealousies.. that's only the symptom.. the problem is something else.

Talking to her will make her feel special and make her feel like she's worth something if you're going to all this effort.

Remind her of this over and over and over again.. this is where it might feel like this relationship is more of a chore than anything.

After this talk, and the constant reminders that she *is* special to you, allow some time to pass to see if she's working on this problem of hers on her own. If she doesn't seem to be improving (like maybe allow her to slip up a few more times), then you probably should consider breaking up. In the end, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

The break-up will be devistating for her, but it might be the only way for her to learn that jealousy is poison in any relationship, trust goes hand-in-hand with love, and that she must depend on herself to feel good about herself.

I really hope this helps. Let us know how things progress.