Jealous Boyfriend (continued)...

Avatar for fitchic1
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Registered: 01-26-2004
Jealous Boyfriend (continued)...
5
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 7:50pm
I had posted a few days back...

Other issues I'm concerned about:

Other issues that I have with him are financial. Here I am at 26, finished with school and ready to settle down. He, on the other hand, is just starting his college career (he was in the military for 6 years) and playing football for a private college at the age of 27. As I'm thinking ahead, I'm concerned that his house has been repo-ed, his credit sucks, and that he had a history of gambling/betting during last football season. When I ask him about his finances, he told me not to worry about them. He said he doesn't have the extra money right now to file bankruptcy or take care of any of his past debts. Am I wrong for thinking he shouldn't be playing football right now, and that he should be spending those extra hours making money to repair his credit??? He's going to work minimal hours beginning in fall and live off his student loans (more debt) so that he can play football. When I mention this to him, he tells me that he doesn't need me to "mother" him about all of this.

I know he loves me and that I love him, but is this really going to work?? It seems like we're at two places in our lives. I'm ready to settle, and I don't think he will be for awhile. And the jealousy issues I had mentioned in a previous post---are those warning signs???


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 8:28pm
Here is your first post..................




My boyfriend and I have been dating for about one year now; he's 27 and I'm 26. The problem is jealousy. During the past few weeks I've been going out (once a week) with my brother's fiancee. The first time I had asked him to go out with me on a Friday night, he said he wasn't up to it, so I decided to ask my friend and we made it a girls night out. At the end of our night out, I get all of these phone calls from my boyfriend asking me why I'm out so late and where I'm at and if I'm planning on coming home. We got into this huge argument when I got home and he ended up breaking off one of my kitchen cabinets. Later during the week, I found out that he went out that night, claiming that one of his friends called him later to go out. At first he lied about going out, then finally admitted it.

At first when I moved here, I never really went out. But now that I am, he's wondering why all of sudden I'm doing it. I didn't realize I had a limit of how often I can go out. We're not engaged or married, and when he wants to go out with his friends he does it without asking me. Last week, (I wasn't sure if he was joking around or not) he asked me if any guys hit on me while I was out. And before, he's asked that about the doctors at the hospital I work at. One time he made a comment to my brother that I was staring at one of his friends. It's just all of these little things are starting to bother me. Are these starting to be warning signs??






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 8:31pm
Did you read the replies to your first post? He is angry, jealous, controlling, on his way to physical abuse, has financial problems, won't grow up and gambles.

These aren't just warning signs. These *are* the problems. As long as he blames you for any issues in the relationship, he isn't going to seek change or admit that he has a problem.

Why do you think you deserve someone like this?

Avatar for fitchic1
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Registered: 01-26-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 10:57pm
Thank you for reading my post and responding.

I guess my feelings are getting in the way, and I also feel like my head is going in a million directions. I love him, but I know he's got some issues, serious issues. He can be the sweetest guy---very thoughtful and loving; however, there are parts of him that I am discovering that I don't care for.

Thank you again for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 12:07am
He can be the sweetest guy---very thoughtful and loving; however, there are parts of him that I am discovering that I don't care for.*********************

yeah, yeah, yeah... they can all be the sweetest men in the world - they gotta be because when they're not being d*cks about something, they'll be nice to you so next time it's even more "ok" for them to be d*cks to us.

the a&&holes can be the nicest, sweetest things... awwww...

then... think about how you feel when your world is closing in on you and he's making it happen. in little ways you start feeling bad about yourself... is he critical? probably, but it won't stop. you'll just sound hysterical and b*tchy if you bring it up.

then you will lose friends because your bf or husband is an a&&hole and alienates them.

your family is next.

then it's your safety.

because this man doesn't want to love you and care for you the way lovers and mates should care. he shouldn't be the one the pain comes from - not in any way - and he is.

finally, as if his grievous personality flaws aren't enough, he's got no real direction, little ambition, and is happy telling YOU that your future life together is none of your business. when you get married to a guy, you marry his lifestyle and his character. if you have a rotten egg in any way, but especially financial, you will be digging out of holes the rest of your life or covering his butt because he's too lazy. if you're gonna consider marrying someone you don't go blindly into it - especially financially. you have a right to know what you're in for if you're going to intermingle your lives legally. don't let him tell you it's none of YOUR business and that "he's taking care of it"... that's bs, because if he really was taking care of it you wouldn't already know how much debt he's in and the lack of initiative he's showing. he woulda taken care of it if it's no big deal and you wouldn't be here worried about it.

even just financially, think about it... what if you end up living paycheck to paycheck, worrying about the next "surprise" - like maybe your car needs work or something. where's the money gonna come from? then think about babies... you won't be able to get them the things that you want to... basic necessities and a nicety every now and then... maybe. you want to always have to shuffle around bills to make the payments?

when you marry someone you KNOW has problems with money (and we're not talking about "i didn't have a good year in the stock market"),you're taking a huge risk. he's already in debt and is all talk, no action.

you talk to him and encourage him, nothing works to get him off his duff. that's your life....endless frustration and misgivings about your life - if you stay with him.

he wants to play football? well, i'll tell you what, unless he's on the verge of being drafted by a pro team, he might want to get his priorities in order.

he's doing a lousy job showing you he's a man. pay attention to this, it will foretell your future. he wants to possess you, not love you.

the way he's treating you now is how he treats you when he knows he has you.

do you like it?

if you stay with him, get used to it - he won't change... unless he thinks he's lost control over you and is trying to get back into your good graces, then he'll be sooo sweet - you'll think it's for real! -but the joke's on you because it won't be for real. his version of "real" is what you're getting now. he won't change.

yet if you leave him, you'll always have your self respect and you can forge the life you want with a better man! now THAT's a great deal, don't you think?

there's not enough good sex in this world to justify how he treats you when it counts.

dump him and don't look back.



Avatar for fitchic1
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 8:19am
Thank you so much for responding to my post. That really opened up my eyes; I needed to hear that. I know what I've got to do now. I need to be strong and leave him without looking back. I need to do what's best for me, not him.

Thank you again.