Jealousy: Am I right, or is he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Jealousy: Am I right, or is he?
2
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 1:09pm
Hey, for all you out there: I have a rather confusing story that kind of all sums up to the fact of jealousy-- and I need an answer about something, and hopefully a solution.

Here's a long story summed up: I have had a male friend since early childhood that has always been around along with two other female friends. The four of us have always hang out. I started seeing a guy I met a year ago around the same time. When the relationship became more serious, he became jealous of this male friend. (This friend, I might add, is borderline homosexual and does not pose any threat. He was a band geek in HS.) Though jealous, my boyfriend would 'tolerate it'.

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend told me about a serious drinking problem his father had, thus my boyfriend doesn't drink. A few days later, with my group of friends (including my male friend) I had one strawberry daquiri, and later mentioned it to my boyfriend.

My boyfriend felt hurt and betrayed, but after a few days he forgave me. What he has not forgiven is that I 'drank' with this male friend. (Nothing happened, or was going to. Other people were there.) He now loathes my male friend more than ever, and threatens that if I want to hang out with him and my other friends again, it will 'rip' our relationship apart.

Now, I'm almost certain he was just looking for a reason to blame my male friend and to hate him. He just is jealous and doesn't want me to be around him, and this is a good excuse. Do you guys think I'm right, or does he have a good reasoning?

I will not sacrifice a good friendship for my relationship... does anyone have any suggestions? I love him very much, and do not want to break up. I'm looking for alternative solutions to try and work through this before we come to that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:08pm
He is not right. He is trying to control you because he is insecure & jealous. By trying to fake a reason for keeping you from your friend(s), he is asserting this weird passive aggressive power over you. Don't fall for it! Let him know NOW that this is not okay, and if he does not respect you then you're better off without him. Don't be afraid to set this boundary for yourself! There should be no duck and cover, for you are simply standing up for your self-respect and for your friends and if he can't take it, lose him because he is too messed up and will only poison your mind. This kind of behavior could be a lead-in for more openly abusive behavior down the road, especially if you do not set a boundary now. Soon, you will have no friends but he will still be furious every time someone even makes eye contact with you. Then, he'll try to tell you where you can go out/work/shop. Then, for no reason he will accuse you of cheating and he may even beat you. Get out, now!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 3:44pm
I would say that he is just jealous and is not being fair to you. Also just because his dad had a drinking problem doesn't mean that you can't drink. My dad had a very bad drinking problem and I drink a little every now and then, but I would never tell my bf that he couldn't drink unless I thought that he seriously had a problem (not just a drink with friends). Have you tried taking your bf out with your guy friend when all of you hang out, maybe then he could see that he wasn't a threat.

I agree it is not right that ruin a good friendship for you bf. I let my ex control too much of my life when we were together and I really regret it. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 5:20pm
Read what you wrote again: You had a drink with some friends - a normal, innocent activity and your BF "felt hurt and betrayed, but after a few days he forgave me." Hurt and betrayed because you had a drink with friends? He spent days punishing you over this? Forgave you? What could possibly be offensive about spending time with your friends? Is it having a drink with them? Do you think that because he doesn't want to drink that he has the right to expect the same of you? What does his choice have to do with you? Most people would think his reaction was so over the top that they'd question his mental state, not pass it off as being overly jealous. He's reacting as if you confessed to having an affair. But you're thinking: "He just is jealous and doesn't want me to be around him, and this is a good excuse." Good excuse? Good reasoning? Doesn't this sound completely irrational to you?

You're not going to be able to work through this, because that would require him to be an emotionally stable, well-adjusted person, which he is not. He is controlling and abusive and this will not get better. One of the things that abusers do is to try and isolate you from friends then family, and the controlling behavior does not stop there. And before you object and say he wasn't always like this, or how great he is in other ways, realize that abusers usually don't reveal their true nature early in the relationship because they know they can't hook someone if they do. You'd run screaming from him if he acted like this on the second date. The fact that you've been dating for a year doesn't make any difference.