Jealousy and Insecurity Problems!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Jealousy and Insecurity Problems!!
8
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:52am
I have a real problem with insecurity/jealousy. I was in 2 serious relationships in the past and had been cheated on both times. My dad was also unfaithful to my mom. Last night my DH of 17 years went to a company cookout in which the spouses were not invited. In attendance were about 50% female and 50% male co-workers. I have a real problem with DH socializing/drinking in the company of female co-workers at which an event I am not invited. Most affairs start in the work place and to me this is just asking for trouble. He has been invited to these before but declined due to my feelings on the subject. He felt the need to go this time because of his promotion and new position. He almost turned down the promotion due to these frequent outtings and what an issue they have been for me. I thought I was ok with everything until he came home. The emotions just came over me and I started drilling him with questions about what females were there, how much he had to drink, etc. I know it was wrong to do. It wasn't pretty. I also get upset when he stares at other women or half naked women on tv. I know it is petty and immature and I know I am the one with the problem not him. DH has never given me a reason to not trust him. I know it's easy for those of you who don't have these horrible feelings to just say "Get Over IT" and "Learn To Trust Him". How do you learn to "Trust" when he is very trustworthy now? How do I let the past go? How do I get to the point where I don't care if he eyeballs other women? Besides counseling, what suggestions can you give me? Thanks,

LU
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 11:52am
Therapy is the only way in my opinion. You never dealt with your dad's behavior and how it affected you. You never got over the pain that your ex boyfriends caused you. There is a correlation between a father who cheats and choosing boyfriends who are not trustworthy. Why don't you want to see a counselor?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:06pm
*** There is some tough-love in this response ***

After 17 years don't you think its time to give yourself PERMISSION to stop being a VICTIM of your PAST? You can not go back in time and change the past - its impossible so why are you shifting accountability for your feelings to your husband? You have become extremely INTERNALLY-FOCUSED where the actions of others are constantly interpreted as having negative impact on you which further drives your self-imposed victim status. You can and must put a STOP to this BEFORE any progress can be made related to trust.

The biggest part of trust is to trust yourself in that no matter what happens you trust in yourself that you can manage/deal with it. This is a critical step in becoming EXTERNALLY-FOCUSED. Externally-focused people become centered on the concepts of Acceptance, Honor, Respect and Dignity. There is tremendous personal freedom that comes with GIVING these things to others that are meaningful in your life. It becomes the primary part of value contribution in your life.

It will set you free in your life and it will release the shackles of your past that are limiting the personal greatness you can achieve. You deserve this in your life but only you can give this to yourself. Noone can give this to you.

So, accept your past as being history that you can not change. Stop playing victim and accept yourself as the only person that can be the leader of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:54pm
Very well said spice.man!!! And I agree with him. And I agree with the other poster too. Therapy is the most effective way to achieve what spice.man had to say. First off you need to want to trust. You are choosing to not trust. You are choosing to let your past dictate your present and future. It's all about choices and by choosing to let go of your past you will be empowering yourself to take control of those negative feelings and you will find all sorts of strength to turn it around. You have a lot of serious issues here and I normally don't like to shove counseling down people's throats as the only way to solve problems but in your case I believe it is the only way.

Your husband must be very patient. But everyone has their breaking point. His just hasn't been reached yet. Keep going like you are and you'll get to see his breaking point and you'll be devasted. So definitely take some action to turn things around today. And until you find a great therapist that works for you (be patient....sometimes it takes 2-3 before you find one you like) the next time you are faced with a situation where your husband has to attend a function where there will be other women, I want you to consciously stop, acknowledge your fears and address those fears directly. Tell your fears and insecurities to take a hike!!!! Make an agreement with yourself that you will NOT be jealous and you will let your husband be. If those fears and jealousy start to flare up, then get angry at those feelings and tell them, once again, to take a hike. I know this sounds silly but sometimes it's helpful to give a name and identity to the negative feelings/habits that can plague us. It gives YOU the power to control them and seperate yourself from those feelings.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:04pm
If counseling is out (which I think would help you achieve your goal much faster)

consider some of these self-help books:

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

Yes, they are for self-esteem. Why? Because your role models showed you that cheating is what guys do (your dad) and it's affecting your life. I think the reason your husband got this promotion and all this is happening is to get your attention, to get you to deal with the past and your issues. Even if he had the perfect job, no events that excluded spouses, wouldn't mean he wouldn't cheat if he wanted to. Meaning you have to have enough self-confidence and self-esteem to know you are wonderful for who you are, your husband is lucky to have you, if he wants to throw that away at any point in your marriage 1) it's not a reflection on you and 2) you have no control if he ever decides to cheat.

My best to you.

PS other things I found that might help:

Women - Overcome Jealousy

Trusted experts can help you tackle jealousy & regain self confidence!

www.selfesteem4women.com

How To Eliminate Jealousy

Overcome Jealousy, Release Fears Increase Love & Connection

www.NoMoreJealousy.com

Jealousy, Taming the Green-Eyed Monster by Eugene, Schoenfeld

If This Is Love Why Do I Feel So Insecure? by Carl G. Hindy

Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness by Paul A. Hauck

Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures by Ayala Malach Pines


Edited 4/30/2004 1:14 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:45pm
I completely understand where you are coming from I use to feel the same way. If you know he is someone you can trust first you have to tell yourself that. If he is out just think of only positive things that can happen and if something negative comes up quickly get it out of your head and know that he would never do that. To help myself I told my boyfriend about my insecurity problems and he was very understanding. For awhile he would call when he was out to let me know what he was up to. And he also gave me the permission to be able to call him at anytime if I felt something was going on. But in order for that he must try and pick up the phone when you call or you'll get those thoughts in the back of your head. But he worked with me for awhile on it and eventually it went away. I also noticed that when I told him about my insecurity issues he was more open to telling me how beautiful I was and how gorgeous I was, and more careful when it came to other girls, until i could get over my jealousy and insecurities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 3:32am
If you have ever been in a relationship where abuse or infidelity was an issue, and I am not saying that you haven't, getting over it is just not that easy, with or without counseling. I read your post, and the impression that I got was for her to just get over it. That may not be what you meant but that's what I got. First of all, when someone you love is unfaithful (man or woman), your first thought is "what is it about ME that is so bad that he/she has to have an affair?" That is a very difficult feeling to get over. It does stay with you sometimes forever. It is far more a matter of just not letting it bother you. It is very hard to explain. If getting over it was that easy, anyone who has been cheated on would do it. That is a much better feeling I am sure than always wondering what he/she is doing when they aren't with you, who they are with, do you look good enough to keep them from an affair, are you a good enough spouse, are you smart enough? This can go on forever. I admit that this behavior can be the ruin of a relationship with someone who is completely trustworthy, but I do have to say that it goes much deeper than just getting over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 10:51am
When I respond to these types of topics the vast majority of what I say comes from my personal experience. I got over my mother's abuse and my XW's affair. I know its hard I have been there. As long as a person continues to ask "why me" or "what is it about ME that is so bad" it supports the INTERNALLY-FOCUSED part I talked about and allows the victim role to continue. The victim role must stop for any progress to be made.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 5:25pm
Are you confident about yourself?

When I was insecure about myself a few years ago, I used to keep eye on him on everything he did, said etc.. was always suspicious of him cheating on me (with no apparent reason)

and talked crap about those 'beautiful bikini models' by calling them 'sluts with plastic boobs' He used to tell me that I was getting paranoid about it because i was insecure.

Even though I wanted to strangle him for saying such a harsh thing to me, now I look back, that is so true.

I gained my confidence back and realized this. Now I truely don't mind he is looking at attractive women in public(as long as these women are not disturbed by him!) because I think they are beautiful, too. But I also think I'm beautiful, too! (it doesn't matter in fact I'm really beautiful or not, as long as I think I'm beautiful... that's confidence!!)