Jealousy - Handling It..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Jealousy - Handling It..
5
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 2:29pm
Hello guys

Need an answer for tonight.

4 year relationship..Im 21 shes 20...This week coming up shes going to "senior week" at and Ocean Nearby for a favor for a younger friend of hers. The younger friend doesnt have any one to stay with and she asked my GF to take her down there. Basically its a popular beach where graduating high school and college seniors go down after graduation. A lot of drinking partying..and just hanging out with friends.

Our relationship has been up and down and recently hit a new low with her wanting out. The last two weeks though it has improved as Ive been going to counseling and reading books like Dr Phils relationship rescue. Bottom line is that it got familiar and boring but we are working on it. In the past she cheated on me by kissing one her long time guy friends but I believe we have worked past that. Also in the past she has gone to "senior week" and clubs and other things that upset me. The big thing that has caused so much pain in our relationship is my jealusy and controlling attitude which I admit too. In the past I would ask her where she is and all other questions that pushed her away. Also any guy friends she has..which is a lot...Ive pretty much butted in on thier friendships because Ive been so insecure. Now its to the point where hide those friendships from me and whenever anythings mentioned about it we fight.

Now dont get me wrong..for the exception of her kissing her one friend she has been true and faithful to me and I believe these guys are just friends. The problem is that with her going to senior week I just dont know what to say...act..or feel. I want to talk to her about it..ask her what shell be doing down there..or whatever...just to let her know that I hope with all my heart shes faithful and will not hurt me. Being that in the past this blew up how should I handle it? Should I just ignore it all together and just say "Have Fun"....should I calmy try and talk to her? If so..what should be said?

Im going to attempt to do whatever you guys say tonight so please help if you can..Im really at a loss...

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 3:05pm
One of the things that Dr. Phil always says is that when someone betrays the trust of their SO (i.e. your gf kissing another guy), the responsibilty is on her to make sure her life is an open book so that you can learn to trust her again. The reality is, no matter what questions you asked her, she should not be hiding her friendships from you. You obviously don't trust her, or you would not have such debilitating insecurities plaguing you. If she wants to make this relationship a success, she also needs to take steps to help you deal with what happened. You may think that you are past it, but it really seems to me you are not. Dr. Phil also says that until you feel you have been heard, you will not get over what happened. You have not been heard if she is keeping secrets from you, like friendships with other people that she is unwilling to share with you. If she knows how much this hurts you, she should put an end to it.

I think it is very commendable that you are attempting to repair the damage that has been done to the relationship, but you can't do it alone. She needs to be as committed to the success of your union together as you are, or it will not work. What has she done to ensure a good outcome? Is she also reading the books and putting in the time together? If not, why not? Why is this all on your shoulders?

What would she say if you wanted to go with her to "senior week"? Would she have a problem with it? If I were you, I would ask her if it was OK with her if you go, and see what her reaction is. If all she does is give you excuses ("Well, it would be OK with me, but I'm sharing a room with my friend, Jenny... I would love for you to come, but there won't be any room in the car... You really wouldn't have any fun because all we're going to do is work on our tans...") there is probably a reason she doesn't want you there. I wish you luck...

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 3:08pm


If you can't control how you feel a least control what you say and how you act or you know that you will drive her away. Talk to her about your concerns but let her know what you take responsibility for.


If you honestly believe that seh is faithful then you need to work on where this jealousy is coming from. How is counseling going? That sounds like a great start.

'Our relationship has been up and down and recently hit a new low with her wanting out.'

So are you committed or is she still wanting to end it. Is that the real reason of your jealousy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 8:02pm
Wow, I know that some people like causing others to feel jealous and insecure that is how the control the relationship, please take a long look at yourself and decide if this is what you want. I know from past experience it just weight a person down. Life is about changes. Good luck, sm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 11:06am
While I think that the above advice is good for most situations, I don't think it's appropriate for a relationship in which the guy admits to being jealous and controlling, who admits to butting into her friendships, who admits to getting "upset" when she goes places, who admits to interrogating her with questions about where she went, who she was with, etc. - monitoring her activities. The natural response to a controlling person is to start hiding things because controlling people flip out constantly about everyday, normal, human-being type things, twist things to make normal things the person does wrong, they also usually do things like yell, intimidate, guilt trip, attack, throw pity parties - all kinds of things used to control others. Hiding things from them is the smart response, it's self-defense. People control other people through instilling fear in them. I can understand why she wants out. People naturally resist being controlled. It's a situation where she's tired of being abused, she's tired of having her natural rights and freedoms restricted. I'd suggest that you say "Have fun" and don't lay down rules and stuff for her. You've probably already told her a thousand times not to cheat on you and hurt you, I'm sure she knows you don't want her to. I wouldn't suggest that you ask her if you can go either. You've been interrogating her and trying to control her friendships and her activities, and probably monitoring everything she does - asking her if you can go would be a continuation of that and she will see it as such. Unless you can let go and stop violating her natural rights and freedoms, you will lose her for good. You will eventually lose everyone you try to do that to. There's a book called Controlling People by Patricia Evans that might be of some help to you in understanding your problems. Also, any material on abuse, domestic abuse, and perhaps men's groups in your area for controlling people. Sometimes they're called batterer's programs, but you don't have to have hurt her physically to go. Batterer's programs are open to any man who wants to learn how to stop controlling women so that they can have better relationships. You'll learn a lot about why you do what you do and how to fix it in one of those programs. I understand she kissed a guy a long time ago, but that's not an excuse for controlling and abusing someone. You've violated her trust with what you've been doing with your control on a long-term basis far more than she's violated yours by kissing a guy once. If you can't stop yourself from treating her that way, then you need to accept it if she wants out, no one is obligated to live having to fight for their basic rights everyday. As far as how you feel, remember that just because you feel upset or angry that she's doing things like going to senior week or to a club with friends, it doesn't mean that she's doing anything wrong or doesn't have the right to do it. Crushing her, restricting her, throwing a fit or however you try to stop her isn't going to make anything better for you. It might get you a little power temporarily here and there and it might get you your way, but it won't get you love. It will only drive her to resent you, lose respect for you, possibly even hate you eventually, and want to be far away from you. In controlling relationships, everyone loses in the end. But you can stop and work on having a more equal relationship in which both of you can be happy. I hope you do. Good luck to you.



Edited 5/31/2003 12:22:07 PM ET by sweetdreams893


Edited 5/31/2003 12:34:01 PM ET by sweetdreams893

Avatar for wishfulkittn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 1:34am
Did you forget that she CHEATED on him? That he doesn't really have a reason to trust her, and that her going to all of these events if just making him trust her less? Why does he have to be abusive?