Is this jealousy? (I'm sorry - very long

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Is this jealousy? (I'm sorry - very long
1
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:59pm

My husband & I have been together for 20 years (15 married). We have recently gotten to know another family well, and really enjoy their company, and got together frequently with our kids. They have a terminally ill son who received home care 3 days / week for 5 hours /day. (He has been completely vegatative for 3 years) The woman would go to see my husband at his shop (he's self employed) on these days as a respite from her home situation. She is also very creative and "crafty" and he would give her tasks to do at his business.

Here we are a few months later - he tells me he feels a "connection" to her - it's not sexual, it's a "bud" thing, and maybe he feels sorry for her. Her terminally ill son has recently passed away, and she is now with my husband all day, every day. She discusses the state of her marriage with my husband, and expresses concern over her husband's withdrawl, and way of dealing with the passing of their son.

She is a great person, and I really like her, and enjoy her company. BUT - she has been partying and getting drunk, which alienates and annoys her husband. I understand her need to cut loose, having been dealing with their home situation for so long. We have been going out with her (Her husband stays home with their daughter) and I have been drinking too - so I admit my perception is skewed. But I feel like I am a chaperone on their date. If my husband goes out for a cigarette, she follows him outside (I don't) At one point, we were all crammed in around a tiny table in the bar, and she was practically in his lap (which he does not agree with). He tells me he understands my being "weird with it", but has done nothing wrong. At the end of this particular evening, she was locked out of her house, (we dropped her off) and my husband casually mentions how we could get her key from his shop. I had no idea that he had a spare key to their house, and had a fit. His mother (who also is at the shop daily) apparently knows it was there, so he reasons it is not a secret.

I know he would not do anything. But - I have also been reading about emotional affairs, and that's what I see here. He disagrees very strongly. We are fighting about this, and he claims I am punishing him, because I cannot look at him or speak to him for a day or two after these outings. I did tell him last week that her husband must join us next time, and that we need to get back to the family gatherings, and that alcohol needs to be removed from the equation.

I feel like I am losing my mind - and competing for my husband.

Is this jealousy? Am I imagining things?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 4:28pm

You're not imagining things and your husband is being protective of this relationship because he's getting something out of it. Her behavior is inappropriate and so is your husbands. Stick to your guns - no outings without her husband and no alcohol. What your husband has done wrong is NOT set a boundary on the relationship and expect you to be okay with his "connection" to another woman. Ask him how he would feel if you started comforting this woman's husband and developed a connection with him? He no doubt wouldn't like it. Your husband needs to steer this woman toward her husband or professional help. He's not doing her any favors by allowing her to become dependent on him.

Your husbands first priority should be tending to your feelings and the fact that he is placing more importance on hers at the moment indicates that you need help in your marriage. As far as "knowing" your husband would never do anything, you probably never thought you would be competing for his attention either. Blaming you for punishing him is a manipulative tactic to avoid addressing the fact that he is completely disrespecting your feelings.