Jealousy, I'm Struggling...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Jealousy, I'm Struggling...
7
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 2:21pm
Hello all! I was writing today about a problem that I'm struggling with all too much - jealously. I can't stand the fact that strip clubs exist, I hate when I'm watching a movie with my boyfriend and a pair of perfect breasts appear on the screen, I can't stand the thought of my boyfriend thinking that an actress is hot or sexy. These are just a few exmaples of the crazy thoughts that run through my head. I trust my boyfriend completely and I'm not even a bit worried that he'd cheat on me, but just the fact that he would think another woman was beautiful, kills me. I hate feeling this way all the time and I want him to be able to watch a movie with me and not feel guilty for watching the sex scene in the movie. I know he wants me and thinks I'm beautiful but it's so hard to come to terms with what the media feeds to us everday! I know I'm insecure with myself and I try to be confident in my appearance but it's difficult. I figured that iVillage would be the best place to look for some answers because I've never been steered wrong before. I'd appreciate any advice, ideas, or suggestions from anyone. Are there other women out there who feel like this? Do I need counseling or something? Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:10pm
Do I need counseling or something?

Yes. Working on your self-esteem is very important.

Reading material too:

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer (Christian Based)

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 4:01pm

Jealousy is somethig i think all of us tend to experience from time to time...what you decide to do with these feelings and what you let them manifest into..is up to you. Its is only human for all of us

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 5:21pm
Hey there...you asked if there is anyone else that goes through this and I must say that I do, somewhat. Probably not to your extreme but when I read your post I could relate to some of it and the best way I can describe that feeling while watching a movie and suddenly this hot as hell girl appears topless, it's like instant deflation of the self-esteem. I imagine this as feeling tiny, next to nothing. Does that sound about right? Like you are having a great time and you are the center of his world until Miss HotStuff appears on the screen and rains on your parade. Believe me, it's all in our heads.

The other night my boyfriend got all 'hot and bothered' when they were talking about Angelina Jolie on TV. He excitedly commented on how she is 'the hottest'. Without thinking about it until it was too late I said, "F*** You". And I normally do not swear. He looked rather shocked and suddenly I felt like a nothing. A big zero. Not 20 minutes later we were talking about a male friend of mine who is bisexual and attracted to Brad Pitt. My SO comments on how he 'wants Brad's wife'. Again, I felt sick to my stomach. I realize these are celebs and unnattainable but for some reason those comments still hurt my feelings. I'm not mad at him cuz he didn't know and he didn't realize I have some self-image issues of my own. We talked and I told him this and he apologized up and down. And I apologized for swearing at him like that. We both feel pretty bad now. I think this is a good example of why we need to excercise self control with this issue. Of course for me, it was 'that time of the month' and I tend to be hypersensitive during it so that mighta had something to do with it.

Anyway, I don't have much advice for you, aside from the counseling and the recommended reading. I can only vouche for the fact that these are our own issues and not our SO's. Unless he deliberately or even negligently makes you feel bad. That might be a seperate issue and communication is great. Perhaps letting your bf know what bothers you and that you are working on yourself. I told mine and he's all supportive about it and we agree that I don't mind comments on 'so-and-so' being hot or having a nice butt, but commenting on someone being 'the best' or he 'wanting someone', well, those comments are a no-no at this point. We've established that and I believe it won't happen again. :)

Good luck to you! :)

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:17pm
Hi there....

I am going to fill you in on some weighty advice and you need to follow it! As a guy, I can honestly say that when some "hot" chick appears on the TV, we are just plain and simply being guys. Our interests are not in that female nor would we ever give a second thought to being attracted to other celebs or hotties. Chances are, if we are fluffing your pillow, then thats all that counts. Tell me this; When you watch TV or are shopping and see some muscle buff stud - do the "false" attraction signs not enter your mind? It is natural, normal and common for us to react this way. I am a bit more primative in my approach so I can say this. We all come from animals and although we have evolved into a more prim and proper form or being, we all have primal insticts. WE ALL look at "hot" and "sexy" members of the opposite sex. I guaranee our grandparents do it as well as their grnadparents etc. It is NOT a sign of infidelity nor is it an issue. Taking it to an extreme is the issue. I am not a counselor or shrink but maybe its not so much increasing your self-esteem inasmuch as it is realizing this to be a normal thought process and a far-feteched reality of how we act on thoughts. Self-esteem is a big contributor to it, or lack thereof however I view this as an over reaction to a pointless and meanignless cause. You must believe that we "guys" are not implying or stating our intent to sleep with or pursue every "hot" chick we enocunter. It just is not like that. Pardon my rambling but I hope I have helped you a bit.

Tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 8:28pm
I get what you are saying and agree 110% which is why I usually keep my big mouth shut when my insecurities rear it's ugly head. However, since you are a guy and all, just what do you think my bf was meaning when he told me he 'wants Brad Pitt's wife?' To me that indicates a desire to 'be with her', even though he knows in reality it ain't gonna happen. Perhaps he doesn't see it as important so why not say something, huh? I don't know I just know that I have a think for a couple of hot celeb guys, but to me they're only eye candy and I NEVER tell him how perfect they are or that I 'want them'. I wouldn't do that to him. He knows I think they're sexy but he also knows I think he is 'the sexiest' and he is the one I want! :) (wishing he was here right now...lol)

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 2:40pm
He may think it, feel it, etc. but IMO it's disrespectful to say it aloud. We don't have to know every thought and desire a person has.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:03pm
I agree with ya so I guess I wasn't altogether out of line for getting a little upset.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi