Jealousy in my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Jealousy in my marriage
2
Tue, 01-08-2008 - 11:26pm

Hello

I am writing because I would like some advice on how to manage my jealous feelings about my husband's friendship with his recent ex-girlfriend. My husband is a very outgoing and friendly person, and I love him to pieces, but my feelings of jealousy overwhelm me, and I am concerned that they will cause our relationship to end. First I would like to note that one part of the problem is that my husband and his ex speak Finnish when they're together or on the phone, and I don't yet understand or speak much Finnish.
I am 26, my husband is 25, and we got married last July after being together for 9 months. I am originally from the U.S., and we are currently living in Finland, which is where my husband is from. So, here is the situation (I would like to make a timetable, as it's easier to explain in fewer words):

October 2006: We met. I am friends with his sister, and I was with her having cocoa. He came to meet us, and brought along with him his ex-girlfriend/current-friend. We all went out to dinner, had a sauna, then later that night my husband and I hooked up. Not long after, we became exclusive. One night my roommate came home crying because she had seen my husband with his arm around another girl (his ex) while sitting at a bar. I spoke with him about it, and he said he wouldn't do it again.

November 2006: My husband and his ex were/are good friends, and in addition they lived right next door to eachother. She was often at his apartment, so we began the early stages of friendship with each other. She was dating someone else at the time, and he came over too.

December 2006: My husband told me that the ex had asked for him back that month because she was in a frenzy that her then-boyfriend was leaving the country to return to his own. He turned her down.

January – March 2007: I continued trying to be friends with her. My husband was having panic attacks during the night at that time, and at one point I was away for a week on a school excursion so he went to sleep at his exes for comfort (not sleep TOGETHER, but in the same room).

Mid-March 2007: I moved in with my husband. I began getting upset that the ex was often over at the apartment when I came home from school (my husband stays at home all day), or would come over and stay late into the evening. Also, she didn't hesitate to ring the doorbell anytime for things she needed (eg. computer fixing, medication advice). She had periods of being very needy of my husband for conversations and advice. Also during this time she told my husband, while drunk, that she had cheated on most of her ex-boyfriends including him.

May 2007: I left for the U.S. to work for the summer, and my husband joined me there in June. The ex also visited her boyfriend of the previous winter, who was also from the U.S., although by this point she had a new boyfriend in Finland who stayed at her apartment while she was gone.

July 2007: We got married. During our stay in the U.S., my husband only exchanged a few phone calls with the ex. It was such a relief to be away from her.

August 2007: Return to Finland. Ex came back a couple weeks later. Things were friendly between us, and everything went smoothly through the fall, although I still resented her for being so needy of my husband.

November 2007: Both we and his ex moved from the apartment building where we were living due to renovations that would take place there. Happily, we moved 4 km apart! But then she started calling him. She asked him to come to her place to fix her computer (which he broke), but he said she added that she really wanted to lure him there. Later in the month they both had an appointment with their psychiatrist (they have the same doctor), and so they were going to go together to make things more convenient. I was really uncomfortable with that, and so my husband allowed me to come along with him, and his ex would go before us (since she's uncomfortable around me now – although if he had gone without me he would still have gone with her, even though I was uncomfortable with that).

December 2007: Ex had a crisis where she was cutting herself (something she'd done before in november and at earlier times). She called her current boyfriend, who was out of town and she couldn't reach, so then she called my husband and wanted him to come there and take her to the hospital. She has a roommate, by the way, and a best friend, and other friends, and an AMBULANCE, all who could've taken her and who would have been closer! My husband was going to go and invited me with him, so I said yes I would like to come. I think he didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so he asked me if I had any other suggestions about how the scenario could go. I suggested she call another friend, or get her roommate who was in the home at that time, so he called her and suggested that and we ended up staying home. She didn't go to the hospital, and the next day we learned that she should've gone in to get stitches because now she'll have permanent scars. The reason she was so distraught and suicidal was that while she was in the U.S. during the summer she slept with her ex-boyfriend and didn't tell her current boyfriend (that she met in the spring) about it, so she felt guilty and was afraid that he would leave her if he found out. During Christmas my husband and I went up to his parents' place, and she called him every day for three days, twice in the middle of the night. Each time I got enraged and was tempted to call her very sweet boyfriend and tell him myself what she'd done.

Now: Haven't heard anything about her since Christmas Eve. Most of the time I don't think about her at all, and it's only at times when she calls him that I become unhappy.

OK, so I'm in a predicament. I feel like she is really intruding on our relationship. I just want her to disappear! My husband has demonstrated his understanding of my feelings by tuning the relationship with her down a little, which I recognize and appreciate, but I also get the feeling that he's frustrated with me for standing in the way of his friendship with her. He is very clear that he does not have any interest in being with her, and that he loves me, and also that he is not willing to give up his friendship with her. My feelings are turning me into an angry, unpleasant person, and in addition I have a lot of guilt for feeling jealous. In short, I am really not happy with myself, but I don't see a way out. I don't think I'll be happy until they are only casual ” 'hi' while passing in the street friends”, with conversations at parties (they have many mutual friends). I have even had moments, or shall we say weeks, where I felt the only solution would be to move away from this town where we live (which is not ideal right now because it would take him away from his close friends and family). And I have had times where I am ready to give up the whole relationship over this one issue. But that's not what I really want, so I would appreciate any advice you can give on what I might do to tune down my jealousy and focus on something else. Thanks!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 10:48am

'I feel like she is really intruding on our relationship'


Here's the thing; she has been intruding on your relatioship since day one because your husband is allowing her and wants her to. You married him knowing that she was part of his life and he hadn't set any boundaries. it is a choice you made.


'And I have had times where I am ready to give up the whole relationship over this one issue.'


Have you told him this? If he is serious about saving your marriage he will do something drastic about this woman and not try to save her and let her go. He will also go with you to marriage counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 4:35pm

Welcome to the board berry_bird,


From the get-go, he's allowed her to be a part of his life and have it effect the relationship with you. It could be a few things, he really loves her attention, there are cultural differences or he doesn't care about your feelings.


Reading material to consider:


10 Stupid Things Women do to Mess up Their Lives – Dr. Laura Schlesinger


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix


My best to you.