Jealousy...and Being too Controlling?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:13am |
I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 24. I'm graduating this year and my he just graduated last May, and we both met at the same university. We've been together one year and 10 months. We're both very serious about each other, and are looking forward to our future together.
I'm posting on this board because I'm still unsure about a discussion we had last night about certain things we're uncomfortable about. The things he brought up had to do with him not liking how I had male friends - who I've known since freshman year, who in the first place I would never do anything with (even before I met my boyfriend), and along with my friends who are females felt like my family away from home. After talking to him about that, which he told me he understands and made clear to me wasn't an issue anymore, I told him to just ask if there were certain things in the past about me that he would like to know because I want him to know everything about me. So he ask, and I told. I was completely honest and he liked that I was able to tell him everything.
So after that I brought up what I was uncomfortable about which were things about his ex-girlfriend who turned into a friend after they broke up, but then aren't friends anymore now. She tried to break me and my boyfriend up after he told her he wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Then I asked him questions about his past; he told me about his hook-ups, ex-girfriends; he answered me when I asked him things about still being friends with girls he's ever done anything with. I don't like how he stayed friends with those girls - and I still don't like that even though he said he stopped being friends with them when he and I started our relationship. Some part of me still thinks that he still talks/is friends with some of them and that makes me uncomfortable and jealous - even moreso because he would not like it either if I was still friends (which I'm not) with the people I did anything with. But...I am glad that he was open to answering questions I had - he even gave me details about how he met some of them.
Should I be jealous? Am I wrong for feeling jealous? I want to tell him to not be friends with, and not talk to, those girls he did anything with - is that ridiculous and/or controlling for me to want?


<< I still don't like that even though he said he stopped being friends with them when he and I started our relationship. Some part of me still thinks that he still talks/is friends with some of them and that makes me uncomfortable and jealous >>
Ok, I'm a little confused. Are you saying that he's told you he's not friends with those girls anymore, but that you don't believe him? Has he given you any reason to think that he's not being honest with you?
If you choose not to trust him, then you shouldn't be with him. Without trust, you have nothing. And if he's given you a reason not to trust him, then you shouldn't be with him.
So yes, you are wrong to be jealous. According to him, these girls are no longer in his life, YOU are, and those were things that happened BEFORE he knew he'd end up with you. You choose to trust him or you choose not to.
Well, your feelings are your feelings. However, in order to have a healthy relationship it must be based upon trust in your partner. It sounds to me as though he is being very honest with you, and therefore is trustworthy. If you don't believe him, or feel he might be lying to you, that is an entirely different matter. Then you certainly have a problem, not about his being friends with old girlfriends, but about his lying.
Some women can accept their boyfriend's still being in touch with old girlfriends, others cannot. You have to be honest with yourself. If this causes you too much discomfort or anxiety, then you do have a right to ask him to end the relationship. He may find it upsetting that it would happen now, after he honestly told you about his past. Basically, it's tricky to hear all details about your boyfriend's past, because it's easy to start wondering about how you measure up, and what's really going on now. Again, trust is crucial here.
Give this a little time and see how you feel. Also realize he's chosen you. The past is the past. If he wanted to be with the others, he would have by now. See what it is within yourself that lacks self confidence, or feels concerned that he may not be true. Most of the time the problem lies within, with feeling your own feelings of insecurity. It's best to work on feeling good about yourself, and not putting those fears onto him.
All good wishes,
Save Your Relationship: The 21 Basic Laws Of Successful Relationships
Change The Way Women Think About Men and Find Out What Men Really Think About Relationships
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Welcome to the board yea01,
It seems like both of you may have some jealousy problems because neither one of you wants the other to have friends of the opposite sex. Yet both of you still want to be able to have friends of the opposite sex.
If this issue isn't resolved now it will it will continue to effect this relationships and also future relationships.
glitter-graphics.com