Jealousy/Control problem?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 03-27-2007 - 11:55am |
My boyfriend and I were out with some friends a couple of weekends ago. We had all been drinking, and we were at a bar when this man and woman next to me struck up a conversation. The man was obviously gay and they were drunk and talking to me about their jewelry store. When they got up to leave the man said, lovely to meet you and did the kiss kiss thing on both cheeks.
I thought it was funny but my boyfriend freaked out. I was just kind of in disbelief, and was just like, he was gay babe, and all he could say was that just b/c he was gay doesn't give him the right to touch me and why I didn't push him away. Our friends were laughing about it and my boyfriend was taking it as they were making fun of HIM b/c a gay guy kissed his girlfriend. And that he didn't want to be with someone who was like that.
I just kind of shook it off as being drunk and asked him about it the next day and he still thought that it wasn't ok for the guy to kiss me and wasn't ok for me to let him.
So he was pissed and then I was pissed and told him he was being ridiculous. We have been together 4 years and he's always been jealous, but this crossed the line. Especially since he made it seems like I did something bad and that "when I get drunk" I have no control over who touches me. Which, I said, I would NEVER let anyone touch me or kiss me when I was drunk. And I wouldn't. This kiss just came out of the blue, and was on both cheeks (not out of the ordinary, since I've worked with gay guys before and I don't feel threatened by them). So anyways, I'm just wondering how to deal with this jealous thing and also the manipulation of it somehow me being a promiscuous girl or something when I'm drunk.

Welcome to the board bella1981,
I wish I had some advice for you, but I really don't. I had an ex that was really jealous too. The thing is we can't control them or even predict when something is going to make them jealous. Do he think he is jealous? Would he be willing to read some books on the subject or work on it in any way?
glitter-graphics.com
Hi, I feel like cl-ctara, I'm not sure what to tell you.
If he's not willing to address the issue, you may have to be the one decide what you are willing to go through.
'We have been together 4 years and he's always been jealous,'
Then he won't change. Are you prepared to have a jealous boyfriend, husband, etc? Is he controlling in other ways? Does he want to control how you dress, who your friends are, where you are when you aren't with him?
Thanks for all your replies.
I guess what I'm trying to figure out on this issue is, how do we agree to disagree??
I see how calling him ridiculous probably made him even more upset. And I do want to hear his side and know how he feels. I told him that. But, like I said...we are still at odds over the issue.
And he doesn't tell me how to dress, or who to hang out with when we are not together.
I guess his behavior was just so out there that I was shocked at how angry he got and didn't know if this was a sign of things to come. Because people talk about how their partners can become controlling once they get married...which we are talking about doing.
Also, my father is extremely controlling of my mother and I think I may have a slight paranoia of that happening to me. I do have problems with self-esteem and standing up for myself ( which my boyfriend acknowledges and says that I need to start defending myself) so I'm thinking I've probably got some issues to work on myself!
glitter-graphics.com
'my father is extremely controlling of my mother and I think I may have a slight paranoia of that happening to me.'
Or you are choosing men who are controlling because it is what you know, even if it is uncomfortable. Be very carful here, you don't want to be in a relationship like that, do you?
No I certainly don't want to be in a relationship that resembles my parents.
My boyfriend is not like my father, though. He's independent and encourages my independence, my passions, and doesn't try and tell me what to do.
He's definitly has his opinions but so do I. I just don't want to turn a situation into something that its not.
Bella,
Is counseling an option, since you recognize that the way you 'react' has a lot to do with your upbringing and maybe if he sees your willingness to address the issues with him, he would be willing also?
Yes, it could be an option. I'm thinking of going myself in the first place. I don't know if he would go though. He's not going to be comfortable opening up to a stranger.
Actually, it would probably benefit him as well, as he has his own issues to deal with. He doesn't have the best relationship with his parents and they have an unhappy marriage as well. And we are both a little aprehensive about marriage.
But, I think I could convince him that it would just help us work out issues that I, for one, need a professional to help work through.
How expensive is counseling anyway? Do you know?