Just about had it with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Just about had it with him
1
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 4:13pm
Ok, This will be a long one. I have 2 problems. I'll start from the beginning. I am 36 and my significant other is 34. We were together for about 5 1/2 years, we broke up for a year, I went my way and had a boyfriend for about 7 months after that, he didn't have a relationship in that years time and now we are together again. My problem is, I can't get this man to have sex anymore. When we got back together about 3 months ago we had sex often for the first month and now I'm lucky if I get it maybe 1 time in two weeks. There isn't even any intimacy anymore, we had more intimacy when things were at their worst the first time around. I feel like I am living with a roommate that sleeps next to me every night. I have talked to him about this on several ocassions, Now I am resorting to constantly complaining about it so now when we do have sex which is rare I think he's just doing it out of obligation and When we get on the subject of course his come back is "I want to have sex all the time" well maybe, but obviously not with me. I did a little investigating on my computer and figured out he has been visiting these porn sites. So my conclusion is he must be taking care of himself which my opinion only wierdo's do that. Don't get me wrong I'm not a prude but when you have someone there practically begging for sex why even try to go to a porn site, unless you do it together and I also feel cheated on. I told him about my discovery and he denied all of it even when I had the proof behind me, eventually he admitted that he was in those sights but never did what I thought he was doing, because he couldn't get into them without a credit card. That brings me to the other problem, his little white lies. One of my biggest pet peeves is lying and he is very aware of that. Now last night I caught him in another "white lie" and it was such a stupid lie that I can't understand why he couldn't just tell me. It was all over a golf game last week, I asked him not to drink because we were going up north and things still needed to be packed and we had a long ride so I wanted him coherent, I didn't think that was to much to ask. Then I asked that when he was done to go home and finish packing what was on the list yet so we could leave as soon as I got home. (Mind you he was the one that insisted we leave on Friday after work I wanted to leave Saturday morning.) Well he ended up in the bar having a couple. So when I got home I asked how much he did drink (His breath smelled) he said "just 1" alright, fine, whatever, right? We had a good weekend up north. Well come to find out last night he had been on the course drinking also, so I was not happy, not about the drinking it was that he looked me right in the face and lied.What is so hard about telling the truth about something so stupid? I don't get it. So here I sit wondering if its even worth giving him a chance to straighten up or if I should walk away. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will straighten up but he is making it really hard for me to even want to be with him. The sex, the lies and the lack of respect really bothers me, he wasn't this way before. Thats what baffles the hell out of me, or maybe he was and I never noticed. I feel so unwanted right now, I have no clue what to do. One minute I say yes I'm done, the next I'm like well maybe he's serious. I question whether he really does love me or if he even knows how to love someone anymore. Did he forget how a relationship works? So if anyone could maybe give their opinion or advice on what I should do or look for, anything right now will help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 4:22pm
So basically he lies about anything that will meet with your disapproval, duh! And rather than deal with the issues (drinking, taking your feelings into consideration and making time to connect with you emotionally, intimately and sexually, he's escaping through online porn, drinking, etc.

Reading material:

Relationship Resuce, by Dr Phil

Also, Pam (can't remember her username) had this to say to someone else's post along the same lines as your post - very well written, so I kept it. And I hope it's ok to share it.

If you feel there is something wrong with this in your gut, then you need to address it.

My BF is 54. He was married for 25 years, and has been divorced for 5. When he seperated from his wife, he took up porn with a gusto. Like a little kid in a candy shop. It got to the point where he was looking at it before he left for work, as soon as he got home from work and before he went to bed at night. I really don't have a problem with porn, in fact we have spent many nights watching movies together.

One day he admitted the same thing you said. He didn't regard those women as "real", but he did use porn as a stimulant, in preperation for making love with me. I felt like you. Why don't I stimulate you? I just couldn't get with that program. He also masturbated four or five times a week, which he admitted took the edge off our lovemaking. When I finally said I just couldn't understand it, that maybe he had crossed the line from entertainment to addiction, he brought it up with his therapist.

The therapist said the porn is one of the top deterrents to intimacy in sex. It removes all spiritual and emotional connection, and makes it a completely physical release. Masturbation, which has it's place if sex is not an option, when unchecked becomes like a child who discovers their genitalia and can't keep their hands off. Now, if you are single, unmarried, or have an agreement with your partner that copulation will be limited, then masturbation can fill in the gaps. But, I love my BF and he is a complete turn on for me, and I have never had the urge to say "no" in six years. And so, why turn to self gratification, when there is a vital, sexual partner?

My BF has almost completely let go of the porn. Playboy once a month is it. We do still watch movies together. And, he stopped masturbating (sometimes he would twice a day), and "saves his excitement" for me. His therapist in essence told him to let go of the child and grow up and connect with me.


Carrie