Just a friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
Just a friend?
5
Wed, 11-14-2007 - 5:53pm

Hi, I'm new to this, and I'm sorry that my post is so long, but I'm just venting a lot of frustration right now.

My boyfriend and I have happily been dating for 2 years. We spent this past summer in separate cities, and in my absence, he developed a stronger relationship with a mutual friend. This mutual friend is not very social and has some self-proclaimed personal problems. She tends to be very needy (but won't admit to it) and tends to latch pretty tightly to a few people. She's always looking for a relationship. Anyway, over this summer she really latched on to my boyfriend. Since I came back she’s been relying on him a lot to be there whenever she felt like she was having a breakdown, and she’s even asked him to stay over at her apartment for the night. My boyfriend doesn’t refuse her because he wants to help her and knows that there isn’t anyone else around to help her. She absolutely refuses to open herself up to anyone else. Even though my boyfriend works a lot while going to school, and even though he told her that he didn’t have a lot of time to attend to her needs, she hasn’t tried to develop any other relationships with anyone else. It’s put a lot of stress on my relationship with my boyfriend because she always demands him to spend time with her exclusively. Even when she comes over to my boyfriend’s apartment where we are all hanging out, she demands him to pay attention to only her. She’s even determined a schedule on which she gets to spend exclusive time with him once or twice a week. I’ve talked to her about how I feel like she’s trying to interfere with our relationship, but she twisted things to make it sound like it was a problem between me and my boyfriend. She’s the type of person who doesn’t like to be wrong, so I can never argue with her. My boyfriend used to think it was a problem, but now believes that nothing is wrong, and it seems to me that he sides with her on the situation. He seems to believe my feelings of frustration with her actions are caused by my lack of trust in him. It’s not like I don’t trust him, but it seems to me that she’s trying to foster a relationship with my boyfriend that is more than just friends. Every time we are hanging out together, she talks to him in this syrupy voice and makes him pay attention to her, even when he’s studying. I’ve tried talking to my friends, who also believe she is trying to interfere with my relationship with my boyfriend, but they don’t know what to do. My boyfriend thinks I should talk to her about my feelings, but I’ve tried and she only makes me feel bad. It frustrates me that he doesn’t think that there’s a problem, and when I do bring up my frustration, he acts like nothing he does makes me happy. This has resulted in huge fights between us. I know that he cares deeply for me and has no other intentions toward the other girl other than friendship. I’ve tried to get used to it all and convince myself that she has no other intentions besides friendship, but it hasn’t seemed to be working. So how am I supposed to handle this situation other than taking it all laying down?

Thanks in advance for any input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: cjm09
Wed, 11-14-2007 - 6:32pm

Welcome to the board cjm09,


The fact that you bf sees no problem with her clingy, private time behavior, means he LIKES her attention, doesn't want anything to change and does not care how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: cjm09
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 1:49pm

Welcome to the board cjm09,


Wow this is quite the situation you are in.


"She’s even determined a schedule on which she gets to spend exclusive time with him once or twice a week. " What the heck is this about? Who does stuff like this? Does your bf follow this "schedule"?


She is crossing the line in their friendship and your bf needs to reestablish that line or end the friendship. Her behavior is disrespectful of you and your relationship with him.


I think she is trying to break you up and it looks like she might succeed. Don't let her win.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2007
In reply to: cjm09
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 1:56pm

Ever watch Animal Planet?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2007
In reply to: cjm09
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 3:55pm

Thanks for everyone's input...it helps to know that I'm not being delusional or anything.

According to her, she set the schedule to have alone time with him once or twice a week for several hours so that she wouldn't interfere with my alone time with my boyfriend. Before she set the schedule, she called my boyfriend constantly asking him to come over, even while we were on a date or having our alone time. Both my boyfriend and I told her that was a problem, so she made up the schedule so that I'd know when they were going to hang out. She actually suggested that we (and by saying that, she actually meant I) need to learn how to share him better. What the heck does that mean? And yes, my boyfriend does follow this schedule to an extent. Sometimes when he tries to cancel she gets a little upset, almost like pouty. Also, when she can't make the scheduled time she'll try to reschedule over time my boyfriend and I decided to have for ourselves. One week they met up with each other for a few hours one day, but not the same number of hours that they usually hang out. Later, she asked if she could have time with him that Saturday; I had misgivings because that was the day my boyfriend and I decided to have our time, but she promised it would be for "just a little bit." Well, "just a little bit" turned out to be the whole afternoon, and what I had planned to do with my boyfriend was pretty much shot. I got angry with my boyfriend, and he claimed he lost track of time. I don't know...it just feels like I keep getting the short end of all of this.




Edited 11/15/2007 4:03 pm ET by cjm09
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: cjm09
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 3:58pm
Wow. She is really jealous of your relationship. Does your bf do the schedule thing and hang out with her on his "scheduled time"?

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