Just how much should I say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Just how much should I say?
3
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 3:24am
I'm looking for some ladies' advice on this one, if you'd all be so kind!

OK, here's my story - I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now (we're both 22) and we've been pretty darn happy together if I do say so myself. I'm living in our hometown, he's going to school about 45 minutes away, so we see each other most every weekend. Now, I don't feel it's very unreasonable that I want to talk to him every weeknight in some way or another - even if that means just an email or an MSN Messenger message! I don't like just seeing or talking to him on the weekends, you know? The thing is that he's not really making any efforts to keep in touch with me over the week, it seems that I always have to get a hold of him. And I'm sick of feeling like I'm sitting here pining away for him and calling every night while he never even thinks of me! I think I have the right to feel this way, but here's the question I'm struggling with - how much of this do I tell him?? I know I sound kind of flimsy on this issue and I know you should be telling your significant other what's on your mind ... right?? I wrote a niice long email to him tonight telling him all about how I'd really like it if he'd get a hold of me once in a while (ok, so I used some sarcasm) and right now especially as I've got something going on in my life that I'd like some support in (I'm doing a play - 'The Vagina Monologues'! - and I've never been on stage before, ever. We open Thurs. night and I haven't talked to my boyfriend since Sun.). I didn't send that email, though, because it's been my luck usually that the second I act on these dramatic thoughts in my head, I rethink everything and regret making it a big deal. But I guess that's the whole issue! If I feel like it's a big deal right now, if it matters to me, should I be totally honest and tell him how I really truly feel - and risk it becoming some big melodramatic issue? Or just try to shrug it off and downplay things until he does something to make me feel better on his own? I don't like thinking that in order to get him to do these things that I would hope he would want to be doing, I've got to expressly tell him ... but then again, I suppose, how else will he know? (Can you tell I've been mulling this over and over and going back and forth and back again?) I know he's not out fooling around with other women when he's not calling, it's actually just his friends (um, and video games. No, really.) that he becomes really preoccupied with. And I do love him and really believe that he loves me - it's just the little things like this that are getting me down and making me feel totally unappreciated.

Any advice would help! I don't like feeling like I'm alone on things like this ...

THANKS!

PhotoBetty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 8:18am

First of all, of course you should tell him that you want him to make more of an effort in terms of contacting you if that is how you feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:20am
It's not uncommon for the female in the relationship to initiate and carry most conversations. We just talk more! I've found that when the guy becomes SO quiet that it's annoying, if I back off, inevitably HE comes around and wonders what's wrong. I guess they get used to you taking that role in the relationship and they have no problem with it. Why not try NOT calling him for however long it takes and see if he takes the initiative to find out WHY you've stopped? It might make you feel better and not stress over initiating most conversations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:26am
I agree that you need to talk to him about this. I don't think it matters who calls more often. This appears to be about the frequency of the conversations. You want every day, he seems content with maybe once throught the week because he sees you on weekends. So, will you make this a case of my way 'vs' your way or will you reach a compromise that you can both live with. I also think it's ok to go a day or two without communication. It gives you more to share about when you finally do talk. Instead of pinning away for him, enjoy your time and share what you do, when you do talk to him. Nothing will get a man running away faster than an overly needy, insecure woman chasing him.

Guys, typically, talk to exchange information. This can be done in a lot less phone time than what we girls do. We generally talk to exchange feelings and make connections.

If you are concerned about looking melodramatic it's probably because your somewhat sacastic, nice long email that you (thankfully) didn't send, was melodramatic. You seem stessed by your upcoming opening night and that could be a factor here. Maybe your nervous and expect more support from him (but you haven't ask and his crystal ball is in the shop) and that is why this phone thing is bugging you right now.

My advice is to calmly talk to him, face to face, about how nice it would be to hear from him daily, through the week. Ask him what he wants and - here's the key - 'listen to what he says'. Do not try to read hidden meaning into it, just take it at face value. ie) If he says he thinks he'd like to talk once a week to set up plans for the weekend, he's doing the 'talk for info' thing that guys do, it's the way they are wired. You can tell him you'd love to hear his voice more often and make a suggestion of a compromise. Don't let different communication styles become a 'sign that his feelings have changed'. (Your crystal ball doesn't work any better than his does)

I had a guy that complained that I never called him, he always had to call. He wondered, don't I miss him? My response was - you don't give me a chance to miss you, you call me every single day.

Keep looking up^, Susan.