just learned of cheating behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
just learned of cheating behavior
2
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 1:26pm

my husband and I have been married for six years and have two great kids. I recently was told by a "friend" that she thought my husband may have cheated on me while we were dating. Not sure why she waited 8 years to tell me... I asked my husband about it and he admitted that he was drunk at a college party and hooked-up with this girl. He has never seen her since. I asked him if anything else like this had ever happened and he reluctantly admitted to cheating on me while we were engaged (about a year after the first incident). Again claimed to be drunk and confused (and only 23 years old) about whether he was ready for marriage, etc. He claims these events helped him see the light about our relationship and made him feel sure he was doing the right thing (although he regrets the actions). The second incident was with a co-worker, who later attended my wedding because she was dating a friend of my husbands. He claims he never sees her at work and that they both felt badly about what happened.

As I said, I did not find out about this until long after it happened. Today, my husband never drinks and does not go out with friends. He is devoted to our kids (and I thought to me). His drinking behaviors changed probably within the first couple years of our marriage (when we were first married, we went out drinking a lot with other friends).

My major problem is that I never suspected anything had ever happened in the past--he never seemed like the type that would ever cheat on me. I think it would be easier to get past if it had only happened once, but I feel like since it happened twice, maybe it happened more often than that. He swears nothing happened once we were married and that these were the only two incidents. How do I forgive and forget what happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 4:25pm

You seem dedicated to getting over it, which means that in order for you to forgive and forget you have to truly believe that he would not betray your trust again. A 23 year old is not an infant, he was responsible for his own actions as an adult and he made a pretty bad mistake. It also wasn't an ongoing affair which means he had a lapse in judgment. Obviously he should be making this up to you and NOT repeating the behavior but since his drinking habits have changed I think that is a good sign.

Dedicate yourself to the future with him and if after a couple of months you still feel yourself coming back to these incidents in your mind, seek short-term counseling either with him or individually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:27pm
I would look into counseling. It may have happened years ago but this is a fresh wound for you and he needs to treat it as such. Forgiving and forgetting is going to require both of you to invest yourself in healing the pain and betrayal. Cheating is NEVER something you're just supposed to get over. It requires work, commitment and understanding.