Just looking for an outisiders opinion
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| Tue, 05-06-2008 - 2:41pm |
I met Jarrell, my boyfriend of 7 months, online. When we got together it was pure bliss. We were so in love, he was my soulmate I felt. Last October he completed his new house he was building and slowly but surely I moved in. Now things have changed. But i undertand certain things, or atleast I want to understand. He works a physically demanding job (construction in the FL sun all day) and has new responsibilities as a homeowner. I pay for the utilities, but he has to make a $1200 mortgage payment, which I don't help out with, I am not on the title, and I buy groceries, things for the house etc.. which he is fine with. So our "in love bliss" has faded. But like i said i can understand it to a degree. But then something happened. My friends "think" they caught him cheating on me. I was with my other friends, when one girl called and claimed she saw my man, with a girl we both work with at our weekend job (a restuarant, i waitress he busses, and the girl is both our friend) hugging her "numerous times" in a "romantic manner" and one person who was with her (not my friend herself) claims he saw them kiss. He has denied everything. I have given him plenty of outs, I have told him that even if he did do it, I want to work past it if he would just tell me the truth. Now my 2 friends who I was with HATE him, they think he is rude and nasty, and they think I can do better. He is neither of these things to me, he is nasty to them, they are a good 5 years younger than myself, and show it and are not good influences and kinda stupid, but fun girls. My other girlfriends, who were not with me that night and are my age,PLUS my father, say the same thing, in a DARK parking lot, how do u tell what a hug means, and that the story just doesn't fit together and Jarrell doesn't seem like the kind of man who would do this to me. He is

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Welcome to the board flgurl84,
Well, I'm not sure I'd believe the younger crowd that now dumped you.
Well 7 months isn't long enough to know everything about your partner, especially whether they are capable of cheating or not. While I'm not saying he did cheat on you, you should keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior, but not be a total paranoid wreck.
You may have insulted your friends by not doing what they think you should, you are the one to make the decision of whether to break up or not, and if they have a problem with that then they aren't really your friends.
If you are concerned that maybe there was something going on, you can buy software to install on his computer to monitor him, although that may be a bit of a drastic measure at this point. But you can also just watch his behavior and what he says. If he accuses you of cheating or makes numerous comments on the subject, there is a good possibility he may be cheating on you. Also if he goes our for hours at a time with little explanation and refuses to tell you or give you a straight answer. The most important thing to use is your intuition, if you get a sense there is something going on, dig around a bit and see if you find anything.
Anyway...
After you move in with someone, they begin to loosen up around you and reveal their true side, I learned this well when I moved in with my husband before we got married. That "bliss" feeling fades because the newness has worn off and you are now comfortable with each other. You see each other everyday, etc. etc. so you don't think about calling him (except when he's out) because he's right there, you don't sleep apart anymore thinking about what it would be like to be together... anyway, its normal and should be expected. To actually renew that bliss... you can probably try breaking out of your current routine and see what interests you have in common and go out and try new things together.
I understand what your saying, and i TOTALLY AGREE!! He cant have me to cuddle at night while he goes and snuggles with some other girl!! the problem I'm having is i have CONFRONTED HIM, in explicit detail, I have grabbed his hands and put my hands on his neck and said to him " this is what my girls saw!!" and he still denies it!! I mean he was not wishy-washy, he wont back down, I mean I am begging and crying for him to just please confess, I just want to work passed all of this, I mean why wouldn't he just say to me, "Monica, your right I screwed up I had a weak momement, Im sorry it wont happen I wanna work on us now." Unless he thinks I am bluffing. But I have never ever in my life seen him get so angry when i keep bringing this up. I mean when somone says they know what they saw, and you can just blatanly lie like that to deny it, and have the nerve to get so angry and stand your ground, its hard to decipher the truth.
But anther point my father had. and dont think that my father is just on his side, my dad is a wonderful judge of character....but they were both at a car show togther last friday, before this incident, and a girl, one he had once dated, fooled around with etc.. saw him, and my dad said Jarrell hugged her, arms around waist and her arms around his neck, A FEW TIMES, before they sad good bye, and my Father said he saw nothing wrong with it. My girlfriend who is up in CT, one who hasnt dumped me, also said, "maybe he is just a good hugger." True. I dont like it but true. Plus there is me. There is a bartender where we work, he loves me and I love him. He is older, like 20 yrs older than me, but we both have these mutual feelings for eachother, but he knows he doesn't have a chance, but I love that he compliments me and he tells me he loves me and we hug, A LOT. And these hugs are not "casual" I mean, I know they don't mean anything, I love him, but I am in love with Jarrell. But I hug
there are hugs and there are hugs.
First of all, your so called friends are not truly your friends, because they would not "dump" you if they were. The fact that you choose to believe him and work through trust issues is your decision to make, not theirs. The fact that they take it personally and are so intrusive in your life, seems as though they are jealous of you and want to spoil your life. You are well rid of them. There are always some people who want to break up a relationship.
It's important not to believe "rumors" unless there is strong and clear evidence. If your boyfriend is trustworthy in all other respects and if you do not catch him lying to you, there is no reason not to believe him.
About the fact that the "in love" phase has passed...it always does when reality comes in the door, people move in and have to face the day to day life together. But in love doesn't mean love. It means infatuation. Real love comes with time, with being there for one another, growing together, extending love, kind and opening up in honest communication. Love is not just a feeling. It is a verb.
All best wishes to you,
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hi flgurl84,
i understand this must be stressful and confusing for you to hear two different stories from 2 sources that are so close to you.
I know what your saying, about getting upset and angry when i bring it up. But I can undestand. I had cheated on a boyfriend and we decided to work through it, and I really was being on my best behavior, and everytime he brought it up or through it in my face, the trying to console him got old, and I got angry and it was kinda like, "you either believe me or you don't" thing ya know? And its not a "defensive" kind of angry, I mean he tries to explain what happens as good as he can, but I see why he gets angry, b/c one minute all is forgiven and I want to work on things and being happy and trust him, and the next I dont believe him and turmoil is created again. But I see what your saying too, but I guess it depends on the person's personality, he has been hurt before, actually the last serious girl he dated before me, HIS FRIENDS caught her walking down the road holding hands with someother guy, so he was cheated on maybe 2 years ago, kinda fresh in his mind. I have asked him this before, has he ever cheated on a girlfriend and he has said no. I am the one more likley to do it, I have done it 2xs before! nothing sexual, just kissing, but no excuse. I've even talked with his mother, and (i know what women wouldnt stick up for her only son) but she said asked if I was sure, and that it didn't sound to be true, or to be like her son.
I guess you just have to know my man. I mean, I guess if i really didnt do something and someone kept bringing it up and throwing it in my face and the person who is supposed to love me and trust me not believe what I am saying, I would get upset also.
Your two "friends" sound like they like to cause drama.
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