Just looking for a quick opinion....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Just looking for a quick opinion....
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 6:40pm

So my brother is going through some tough times with his wife..things are not good at all and somehting happened over the weekend to start all of this.  With that being said, I've been talking to my brother a lot and trying to support him through this time and be there for him.  He's asked me not to tell anyone about what's going on and keep it to myself.  My husband has asked me what's going on and to respect my brother's wish, I'm not telling him.  I explained I've been asked not to say and told him they're going through tough marital times and when the time is right- I'll tell him.  Well, he doesn't get it.  He's actually offended I'm not telling him.  He keeps saying "I'm your husband".

Is it me, or is this just an absurd way to think.  If his sister told him something and asked not to share- I'd never press like he is or expect him to tell me.  It's actually causing us to fight here and there about it and I think it's ridiculous.  Am I not being sensitive enough or is he bring immature?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-14-2014 - 9:26pm

Well if you have promised your brother not to tell about his problem, then you should keep your promise.  But it is difficult keeping things from your spouse.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 9:37am

The relationship with a spouse should always trump the relationship with everyone else.  If more people followed that simple rule, we'd have far fewer marriage problems.  (That of course assumes the spouses are decent people in the first place.)

Your first problem was promising your brother you wouldn't tell your husband.  When he asked, you should have said, "I'm happy to listen, but it would be very hard for me to keep anything from DH."  Then it would be your brother's *choice* to tell you or not.  I would never assume that if I told someone a secret, they would keep it from their spouse.

Is your husband being overly sensitive?  Possibly.  What you can do now to mend the fence is say, "I realize I shouldn't have made that promise, but I did.  I let my brother's desperation determine my priority.  Please don't ask me about it any more, but I will remember not to do it again." 

And if you find yourself in this situation again, remember not to keep secrets *in front of* your husband.  Of course I don't tell my DH every little thing that happens to other people, because that would be gossip, but I also wouldn't be on the phone with someone else and then refuse to say what was going on when I got off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2014
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 3:35am

Keeping a secret from your husband... Sometimes secrets make thing worse, but if your husband cant understand that the "secret" has nothing to do with him or your lives; then why is he so bent on knowing? You know your family and the relationship they have towards each other, it sounds like you husband is being very "nosey" , if you have already explained that this issues isn't about him or you and that it actually is about his/ your brother's marriage (you told him in detail what you could without breaking your promise) there must be more to your husband's insecurity about the issue.


Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 6:00pm

 H is being childish.  H has no need to know so let him stew.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Tue, 01-21-2014 - 3:09pm

Yes, Night- I explained the whole thing to him.  I agree- he is being very nosey and as xxxs said, childish too.  He's always felt jealous of me and my family.  A lot of it has to do with the relationship he has with his own.  I can respect and understand that- to an extent.  He's had a VERY tough time respecting that about me and my family.

I told him it has nothing to do with him or our marriage.  He's just very immature when it comes to things like this.

Thanks to all for the input!