just a quick inquiry

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
just a quick inquiry
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 10:09pm


i am posting in regards of my husband and one of his female friends and their friendship

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 11:25pm

I think that since you are married it's totally inappropriate for any woman to be asking him out to dinner w/o his DW (unless there is just a business context).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 12:03am

She may be an ex, and still a friend....but you're married to him now, and ANY invitations issued to him should be to BOTH of you as a couple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 2:07am
It's not weird as much as it's inappropriate. She's aware that he's a married man now, and as fissatore said, the invitation should have been extended to BOTH of you or not at all. And yes a red flag should have gone up. Also as music said, if maybe her parents had a close relationship with him at one time and have not seen him for a long time, could be they requested his presence.
But this is all speculation of course, and I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here by saying this could all be innocent. Or maybe she's just not smart enough to get that you just don't invite a MM to dinner without also inviting his wife along. And on your husbands part, if he KNOWS she still has feelings for him then he should not have accepted the invite in the first place. For all you know the parents might not even show up and then it would so conveniently be just the 2 of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 7:03am

Hi mouseketeerk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 9:56am

This is a good example of the difference between a) how relationships should normally function, and b) trying to force a relationship to function the way it should

Should your husband be respectful of your feelings and not invite attention from other women? Yes absolutely. But this isn't a rule you can, or should, enforce. If you try to force him not to do things that you see as disrespectful, he will end up resenting you because he's not free to make his own choices.The more rules you make for a person, the more you distance yourself from them. Remember that she can't make him cheat on you. She sounds like she's a little delusional which is pathetic, but if they are good friends, then I guess I don't see anything inherently wrong with inviting him out with her parents, even if she has feelings for him. Having feelings for him doesn't entitle her to anything. Whether or not you agree with him, look at it from his perspective for a minute - She is a good friend, and since he isn't interested in her romantically, whether or not she has feelings for him he can maintain a friendship without it being a problem. Doesn't his intent count for ANYTHING? Or is it all about how this situation appears?

You know, just because something rubs you the wrong way doesn't mean your partner has to cater to you. This girl is really not your problem. If you truly think he might be cheating on you with her, then that's one thing... But I wouldn't necessarily label this as "inappropriate" because everyone has their own definition for what is appropriate and what isn't.

Here are the questions that I want to ask you: Is there a reason you were not invited? Do you feel included in your friendship at all? Has she ever tried to be friendly to you?

Even though I can't necessarily label the dinner thing as inappropriate, I don't believe in having friendships that intentionally exclude a person's spouse (those can't be "real" friendships). If you feel excluded from their friendship, then I think that would be the place you want to start on this one. It is a lot more constructive to look at it this way, and if his friend is not willing to tolerate you being in her life, I think it will become more clear to your husband that she's not as great a friend as he thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 11:27am

This reminds me of something that happened with a longtime friend of my father about 20 years ago. The man, although married, was a persistent womanizer. Once, one of his paramours invited him to a Passover seder with her parents, and without his wife. He actually went, leaving the wife home alone that night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 4:49pm
hey all, thank you all for your opinions . i value them all. and agreed.