Just a rant I suppose
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| Wed, 08-11-2004 - 3:40pm |
I don't know if I am about to just rant my head off or am asking for advice.But I do know if you have any suggestions I would be happy to try them.
There is no 'nut shell version' so apology in advance and cheers to those that make it through.
I was a stay at home mom for the first 6 years of this 7 year marriage.I devoted myself to this task.I made it so easy for them to think me invisible.I never spoke out of turn and went to great lengths to not rock the boat. I have no family of my own and I felt to have friends may interfere with being a mom and good wife. I kept house beautiful and I was like this whipping post for everyone to take their bad day out on ( not physically).I stroked egos and asked for nothing.I just fell into it.It was easy to be June Cleaver.
Well my DH got laid off. This was a huge blow to his ego as the bread winner and man of the house. At first we made the most of it.I had put away a nice chunk of rainy day cash.So we played like it was a temporary early retirement for a month and had some fun.The dead line for returning to work approached and he sent his resumes out and we continued on our little holiday.All the while I kept his ego secure and kept his faith up. Well , things were a lot harder then I anticipated and the job offers weren't what we expected.Too much experience for this not enough for that.SO...after thinking long and hard, knowing in the back of my head I would stir up a hornets nest...I went back to work and he stayed home.I knew the adjustment would be tough for both of us. I went from being free to pee when I wanted to being on a schedual.From not having to talk to a single person for months on end to sitting cheek to cheek with more strangers in one day then I had in 6 years.I was socially inept and had a lot of adjusting to do.He had adjustments of his own. He resented me from my first day at work.The fact I got a job right away was the worse for him. He told me I must have flirted my way into it because he wouldn't have hired someone that spent the last 6 years on their a*s.But No offence. But I kept the peace and made like it was a horrible job and I didn't know if I could do it long so he could keep looking for work.Secretively...I loved it...I was kicking myself for all those years of not being part of the human race.I miss it still. He would find new insults to sling at me all the while complaining of this and that about the house. My mistake was I honestly thought he would be a little bit supportive. Not to the extent I had been...I went overboard and I knew it..but a little more supportive.Maybe ask how my day went or free up the bathroom so I could take a long bath...I don't know. I started to distance myself from him as a I guess ego protection.The words were getting harsh and I didn't want to let it get to me, he would adjust eventually.
He started to see being at home isn't all fun and games.But I had to hear it from neighbors that he was ever impressed that I could do so much alone.He never said it to my face.I finally started working late on purpose so the boys would be off to bed by the time I got home so they didn't have to witness the ego bashing of mom. He finally asked for a divorce two months in.And I jumped at it.I said ok without blinking.After all I was a part of society now.I counted now.I had my own money now.You wanna leave me...you go ahead.Well for the next month he cried like a baby that I would leave him or he would rant and rave like a lunatic.Called me every nasty name told me what a horrible person I was.I tried to maintain.His ego was shot and I wasn't helping him grow back his esteem and security by being combative.But I did remind him of the pending divorce he wanted and maybe he should cool it a bit.By now I have lost my adoration for him.I saw this weak little man crying and carrying on about how he can't live without me and his threats of suicide were more for control then anything.I bought him a bottle of Vodka and two boxes of sleeping pills when he threatened it.I was enraged that he did it.I knew it was his desperate attempt at control and it backfired on him.He lost my respect and adoration at this point.
Finally the war goes on and in an attempt to quell the waters I quit my job per his request as a way to get things back to normal.Well all it did was give him more power.Now he was more aggressive in his arguments and by this time I am so numb to any affection I used to hold toward him I am a willing participant.I don't hear too well if there is back ground noise.And he will say things all the time without looking in my direction knowing I will know he is speaking but never knowing what he says.And I got fed up and actually raised my voice for him to either speak up or any further debated will result in my silence for good.If he wants to fight do it fair or not at all. In return he got right up in my face and said he can now see that I deserved every broken bone my first husband ever gave me. He said many a hurtful thing to "get me" and though they worked I knew it was a defence mechanism and I in time forgave it all but this one. It was 8 months ago he said it and I am still floored by it. At what point does one draw the line? I have fallen back into my place and see he is trying very hard to make changes so that I am never invisible again.I have lost my respect for him.I don't have the adoration I once held for him.My attraction to him

Reading material to consider:
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life -- Albert Ellis
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them, Dr. Susan Forward
No Visible Wounds: Identifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan
The Verbal Abusive Relationships by Dr. Patricia Evans
Carrie
You mentioned your first husband and broken bones. Your current husband is taking full advantage of the conditioning you underwent in your first marriage and adding more layers of his own. This may not be physical abuse but, it sure as heck is abuse. If you do not believe you have been conditioned, ask your self what advice you'd give your child if they said to you, "I know I am being selfish thinking there is something more out there to life than serving someone else" You'd likely say that's hogwash! That is not selfish! We are *ALL* entitled to more than that! You included. You need to address that in counselling.
You only have one life and you are not living it, you are giving it away. You think your boys don't see it but, I *KNOW* that they do. They are learning that this is the normal and appropriate way to live life. You are condemning them to a life where they do not respect a woman's wants, dreams and desires. How many women do you think will want to marry a guy like that? You are condemning them to a life with a wife who will eventually feel towards them exactly the way you feel about your H or a wife who will finally have had enough of everyone sucking her soul out and will leave. I know that's not what you would teach your boys on purpose but, make no mistake, they *are* learning from your example.
Honey, just because you are not in the middle of an argument does not mean you are working as a *team* with your H. Think about a team. All members, giving equally, supporting one another, working together for a common goal, all equal in importance. What you have is a master and a servent, not a team.
Please make sure the counselor that you go to see is trained in the dynamics of abuse. Call 1-800-799-SAFE to find one in your area.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
Up until this incident...I would have said I was fine and recovered from the abuses of my first husband.5 years had gone by and even a counselor said I had my act together and she didn't know what she could do for me.Trouble is,I made it so easy for (current) DH to control me.To say he is an abusive man....if you think Homer Simpson is abusive due to his oblivious lifestyle then yes.But it was only during one argument( that lasted for
In any case, individual counseling is definately in order for you. It's one thing to know what not to do but, it's the replacing it with what you should do that is often the problem for us survivors. If your H is truly understanding and supportive of you growing, changing, and becoming more independant, you will know by his attitude toward your decision to seek this counseling.
Part of what you've said in this post makes me wonder if you would benefit from exploring co-dependancy. One thing I've recently learned for myself is the healthy way to give and receive. I realize that some of us are givers more than others. It's the givers that often find themselves in relationships with takers or abusers. The question we are responsible to answer for ourselves before we give is, "What is my motive?" Am I giving just for the other person to have OR am I giving expecting something in return. You must be honest with yourself. If you are giving just for the other's benefit - great! Go ahead and keep giving but, you can not expect anything in return. If you are giving to get, you must negotiate the terms with the other party. If you do not clearly negotiate that first, you will feel cheated when you don't get in return, even though the other person wasn't even aware there was a price to your gift.
In your case, you gave and gave and it seems you had the expectation that your husband would give back when it was his turn. If you didn't negotiate that, he did not know the price for your gift. Had he known, he may have agreed, he may not have, but you'd both have been aware of what was expected. So, in a sense, you did get what you asked for - NOTHING.
There are two boards here at ivillage that you may want to check out. One is called Recognizing and dealing with domestic Abuse. The other is Domestic Abuse; New beginnings. The first one has a ton of information on all forms of abuse. Look in the off topic discussions section for checklists to see if your current H fits the profile. If he does, there's also info on how to tell if he's really changing. The second board is for people who are out of abusive relationships and are trying to combat the conditioning and move on with their new non-abusives lives. You'd be welcome to post on either board and everyone who posts there has been in, or is still in, an abusive realtionship.
I completely agree when you say, "I can't keep sparing him only to find I am choking myself." Please seek counseling for yourself. Change only happens from within. You and he can do couples counseling at some point but, you need to take care of yourself first. Harbouring unforgiviness and resentment will kill whatever is left of your marriage. I'm sure you know from personal experience that it will also affect your personal health if left to smoulder under the surface.
I've been away from my abusive ex for over two years and I still have things that happen, seeemingly insignificant things, that trigger reactions and emotions in me that make it seem like he's right in the same room and the whole thing is happening all over again. This is something that all survivors go through to one degree or another. Fortunately, it is something that we can do about it. Take very good care of yourself. You boys need you. I hope I see you over on one of the other boards.
Keep looking up^, Susan.